=.=

Something is wrong with blogspot right now.

I just couldn't make the post right!! All those bold things down there is freaking me out!

I just can't stand an imperfect post!

Anyway I'm going to sleep and coming back 2ml to fix it. *Fingers crossed*

Came across an interesting question, is this blog boring? You want more pictures? Any brand new ideas? I need some feedback. Thanks ^_^

Tagged!

1. How old are you?


The ripe old age of 21, and like everyone knows I love to say this: “Can go to jail adi!!”

2. Are you single?

Yes and sadly so, why do I seem that pitiful? I love being single! Unlike my dear Terence who is attached, and not like Jeremy who has to webcam with his girl every night to Penang. However beneath all the freedom you’ll feel somehow empty, especially when you have couples making out all around you and you have nothing but your naughty mind and hands to satisfy your carnal pleasures…*hint hint* It would be nice if someone can help you with that for a change.

3. In what age do you think you’ll get married?

Well technically not anytime soon, so be at rest you anxious peeps as if I would hold a sudden wedding like Vivian and that HK-playboy (whom I’ve heard is a total jackass, but wahay, since when have we seen a good girl not fall for a piece of wreck? I seriously believe I should be a wreck so that I can get a hot one too.). Though if I’ve found what I want I can get married right away. But then there’s always going to be something that’s better ahead of you, so it’s best to sit around and have a look. Not in a rush now.

4. Do you think you’ll be marrying the person you are with now?

*Looks around me* Is there any? However that doesn’t mean there isn’t anyone that’s suitable, I know one or two who certainly look like good-wife material. But unfortunately they’re either attached or not interested in relationships right now, as well as being frequently at loggerheads with the opposite sex isn’t going to impress them any more than going up to them and saying: “How you’re doing?”

5. If not, who do you want to marry?

Under the state of unconsciousness, which means that I will not be responsible for anything I’ve said, it would probably still be someone like Alexis Bledel, or that cute blogger somebody likes to say I like. Hint hint hint*, or just anyone that makes me a better person than I was. (Maybe a hybrid of Masami Nagasawa or Maki Hirokita would also be a great option) This is too complicated, so I’ll just marry someone that seems right for me. It’s all about instinct. You would be surprised with my choice when that time comes.

Alexis Bledel, in case those of you who do not remember her from my epic SS post.

Obvious, need me to say more?

Obvious as well, Maki Horikita

6. Do you want a garden/beach wedding, or the traditional wedding?

No preference at the moment. But I do imagine myself riding a horse to a huge cathedral like those I’ve seen in Prague or St. Petersburg in ceremonial suit of armor and blade with hymns all around me. Sounds pompous, I know. But it’s not practical, anything but the Chinese one where you would go with a procession band and carry the wife back and drink tea. That is going to be both time-consuming and cruel to my knees. But then again that’s the one that gets the most goodies, so we’ll have to balance that out.

7. Your ideal motif?

White. All the normal colours you'd want in a wedding. Nothing stupid like a pink suit or a red tux. Nothing gaudy, unless it's a suit of armor, which I will then shamlessly clad on with all the honour and making all the other grooms follow suit. Bet they'll thank me for it. Then again a Japanese wedding is cool as well, I've seen a few of them and I like how it feels. Tearing up a kimono later that night would be something fun as well. *Giggles*

8. Where do you plan to go on a honeymoon?

Europe. Depends on the time we have. No stupid-follow-the-tour-activities where there’s going to be uncle and aunties about and children that scream and shout. That is not a good way to kick start a wedding. Anything from Italy to Greece, or even Turkey, with plenty of seaside around the Mediterranean and history to soak in, and probably some romance. *grins* (Not anywhere on the railway track though, not like what Timothy once said…)

9. How many guests do you think you’ll invite?

You don’t have to guess. Almost everyone, well but not everyone. Not him, not her, and well all the arseholes in Form 6 nor those nosy aunties or anyone from my father’s side (they’ll just come with a miniscule amount of angpow, horde the food and run-off anyway) That would probably be about 60-80? I don’t know what my spouse would be bringing.

10. Do you want an extravagant wedding or a simple wedding?

No preference. Extravagant when it’s necessary. Unless well like I’m on the run or our family objects to the union then a simple one in Las Vegas isn’t that bad. I think the wedding in Pirates of the Carribean 3: At World’s End between Will Turner and Elizabeth Swan was romantic as well.

11. Do you want the traditional vows or something you’d make up on your own??

If you’ve watched American Wedding, you’ll understand the meaning about vows. I wouldn’t mind doing it due to my language superiority. *ngek ngek ngek*

12. How many layers of cake do you want to have?

I don’t care. A cake is a cake. Nothing cheap, must be good to eat, that’s all I’m asking.

13. Do you prefer having your reception at a hotel or at a simple place?

I don’t know. This is not something I’ve considered. I would really like it to be somewhere else outside of a hotel. Hotels have these gaudy ballrooms that just ruins the atmosphere and those event management teams just don’t cut it, for now. Practicality vs. Fantasy, this is something to consider later.

14. When do you want to get married, evening or morning?

The morning, as that nice cathedral would look grand under the morning sun. But then I will have problems waking up, but then I won’t been able to sleep that night. Sigh.

15. You’d rather have your reception outdoors or indoors?

Either. A good scenery would best be suited for outdoors, while convenience would demand indoor settings. Logically an indoor.

16. Do you like a grand entrance for your groom/bride?

A suit of armor, hymns, escort of knights…if that’s not grand then I’ll do a charge at the door. But then that would be disrespectful to the cathedral…

17. Name the song/tune you’d like played at your wedding??

At the moment I would really like Cloud Smiles played in FF7: AC as that song. And also the scores in Proposal Daisakusen. Those songs mean a lot to me. I think they would sound magnificent if played properly.

18. Are you a morning person or a night person?

Morning, I love the scent of a morning breeze. But I just can’t seem to wake up and smell the coffee (Dido’s Album name XD).

19. Do you want a solemn ceremony or a light one?

Solemn would be nice. But I guess it would eventually turn lighter since I wouldn’t be that hard on my spouse, I always soften up at anyone I liked. I wish I had one to soften up now.

20. What age do you want to get married?

No time limit set. Nothing after 60 though. Won’t have much action by then.

21. Describe your ideal husband/wife.

Alexis Bledel, Masami Nagasawa, Maki Hirokita, etc. ROFL I can’t think of anyone right now. Know me long enough and you'’l notice the type of girls I like, it never fails.

22. Do you prefer fine dining or just the normal spoon & fork/knife?

Depends on the culinary range, I think the whole set would be required, (looking at question 34).

23. Champagne or red wine?

I’m allergic to wine, and alcohol. But then Champagne would seem proper, don’t you think so?

24. Honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?

Since it’s going to be in a grand cathedral in Europe, isn’t that right away?

25. Money or household item?

Money money money money, MONEY! (The Apprentice’s opening song) I don’t mind, really. It’s the thought that counts.

26. Who will pay for the bills?

I would. Therefore I must be filthy rich by then!

27. Are you ready for married life?

I think I am. I just haven’t met anyone suitable. But then I love to be alone. Go figure.

28. Do u think you will still be a virgin until u get married?

I hope not. I’d rather be a little more capable on the first night than some stupid story I heard about a guy who didn’t know anything about sex and had to ask his mother to come in and teach to help him finish up. Now that’s f**ked up.

29. Will u always be true to your wife/husband?

I will only marry someone I really like and that I’m sure that I won’t have a change of heart. So I guess there’s no room for error.

30. How many kids do u like?

Depends. I love kids. Nothing less than 2, nothing more than 4.

31. A new house for a newly wed or an old one?

I’d love a castle as my house. But I’ll be worried about the pipings and the clean up required. So a new house it is, I’d leave most of the stuff to her. But I want some word on some parts in my home, like the study room or the kitchen (I’d love to cook).

32. Will u celebrate silver wedding, gold wedding, or diamond wedding?

That’s too far ahead, isn’t it?

33. What kind of cuisine would u like for ur wedding?

Fusion. I hated the Chinese appetizers. Gourmet meals matched with Chinese elements to satisfy the platter of those who aren’t accustomed to it. Then again, a thought for later times.

34. Will u record ur honeymoon in a cd or dvd?

Depending on the latest technology. Blu Ray might be redundant by that time comes.

35. Whose wedding plans would you like to know next??? choose 5 people

BaiHe
YaMan
Jeremy “Bra Bra” Choo!
Terence “Pundex” Yeo!
Pinkpau(!)*evil laugh*

(Not going to tag those who tagged me (Eimun and Weiqi) since there's no point in making them repeat it.)

Anyone else that I didn't tag can go ahead and do it though ^_^

PS: This is done with a wobbly head and lack of common sense. No responsibility will be upheld due to this.

Short Update (wtf)

Short Update: (Which would then become longer and longer until it becomes boring wtf)

Finished my supplementary exams! Was sooooo happy that I spent my whole night dotA-ing to my heart's content, Shiva with Luna rules! PA with 2 Battle Furies and Helm of the Dominator is perfect! I even killed Venomancer while he was invisible and my splash damage made it die...it made me laugh so hard and I've kept a replay of it.

Maybe I should ask my sis on how to make those clips like Pizzaslice111...

Instead of packing up, I'll be going out and shopping for some stuff. I need to get things like Cherries for mom and Smoked Almonds and Arnott's Sesame Biscuits back for Michele.

One week left!

It's been more than a year since I've left home. And even though I miss Ipoh, I've come to get used to this place. It's not that bad, just a tad tooo boring. Nightclubs are racist, Chinese restaurants are not up to standard, and it's rare to find a gorgeous female in the University, let alone the whole city. Sigh.

I bet my relatives would be so dissapointed that I won't be bringing any nice Caucasian girl back to boost our gene pool. I bet they would be horrified if I brought one back from China, but hey, strengthening our own gene pool isn't that bad right? But again the idea of having cute-mixed kids with blue eyes seem tempting. But then I need to make myself eligible...which is, NOT!

Seriously not having much to look forward to going back. I know I need to go and visit everyone, call up a few friends and well just try to see everyone before I go back. Two months isn't long, but I'll try to make the most out of it.

I'll pray hard not to see her anywhere, because I really won't know what to do if I'd see her walking around with her new 'slave' Andrew.

Then again, it got me thinking about a question she always said: " Why can't we just stay friends? You don't have to ignore me and treat me like garbage whenever I'm attached. It hurts me."

The truth is, given the choice of not liking you previously, you would never have qualified as a friend to me. You attitude,personality, priorities and mindset are totally not in sync with mine. Besides, your friends don't mean anything to you. All you want is just attention and be idolized for your egoistic and naive nature. You don't care about your friends, and if you weren't boycotted and dumped, you'd never change and believe in "karma", and you'll be as bad as before. When it happened, you only want to change so that you won't be hit by punishment or karma. Does that make a difference?

No

So does that answer your question? I think my friends know how I treat them, I don't use them, that's for sure. I do whatever it takes to help them, and I always stand by them when they need support. We'd never always agree, but at least I don't care if they'd help me, I just enjoy their company. Look at yours, who are just obsessed with what guys you date, how many have you been confessed to, what guys did things for you, and those who are so keen on nailing you. We'd never match, unless I turn dandy and womanize, which is when hell freezes over; or when you change, which is when heaven burns in flames.

Just give it up.

Why?

I came across this in a pro-government blog I usually visit.

Bila sebut sahaja satu aliran Bahasa dalam sekolah untuk memartabatkan bahawa rasmi negara ini, suara yang mendesak Mukhriz di ambil tindakan undang-undang kerana menghasut timbul. DAP – parti pejuang cauvinis Cina dengan slogan Malaysia Malaysian dan Bangsa Malaysia kononnya mendesak agar Mukhriz diambil tindakan atas Akta Hasutan. Kenapa melenting? Bila menceritakan mengenai perlucutan Hak Keistimewaan Melayu – untuk keadilan dan kesamarataan – hebat – kononnya mahukan bangsa Malaysia. Kenapa tidak dimartabatkan satu bahasa – Bahasa Melayu sebagai bahasa yang boleh digunakan untuk semua Bangsa Malaysia. Kenapa perjuangan bahasa mereka mahu jadi rasis dan bila Melayu mahu berusaha memartabatkan bangsa Melayu – dikatakan perjuangan rasis.

Apa kah bentuk asimilasi dan integrasi yang dimahukan untuk perjuangan bangsa Malaysia, yang sibuk dilaungkan oleh mereka. Sebenarnya Melayu tidak perlu malah kena bertindak agresif menentang parti DAP – Parti cauvinis Cina yang mempunyai agenda nakal semata-mata untuk menghentam keharmonian perpaduan antara kaum dengan menimbulkan tuntutan Cina. Mereka sentiasa menghentam organisasi Melayu – khususnya politik Melayu dalam mana mengaku bahawa mereka tidak rasis.

Parti ini sebenarnya telah dan akan banyak membawa kebinasaan dalam perhubungan kaum dengan persoalan isu-isu sensitif agama dan bangsa. Kenapa ini dibiarkan oleh orang Melayu. Apakah perjuangan mereka tidak menunjukkan perjuangan bangsa dengan usaha untuk mengikis ketuanan dan hak orang Melayu. Tapi kita masih mengamalkan toleransi yang tinggi, takut Cina tidak undi BN. Namun hakikatnya – DAP telah membakar isu-isu perkauman untuk mereka menjadi juara kepada kaum Cina sementara kerajaan membiarkan atas alasan mahu menjaga sensitiviti Cina sedang DAP tidak tahu apa makna sensitiviti terhadap Melayu.

Hari ini DAP – dengan suara lantang menghentam hak Melayu di dokong oleh Melayu dalam PAS dan PKR. Adakah tidak nampak – DAP bukan mahu memperjuangkan semua bangsa – tetapi hanya mahu kemenangan pada bangsa mereka sendiri. Melayu harus mula meragui Dap dan harus mula berpaling pada mana-mana organisasi yang melekat dengan DAP kerana nyata Dap hadir untuk perjuangan kaum dan adalah parti yang amat rasis berbanding dengan yang lain.

The comments below were even worse:

Kalau aku jadi Menteri dasr Negara aku tukar serta merta, Pertama! Tiada tulisanCina dan Keling diTanah Melayu ini, HARAM TERUS! kecuali berkaitan dengan ISLAMsahaja, Kedua! Tiada lagi SRJKC dan SRJKT, Bahasa Cina hanya wujud di sekolahagama sahaja yang berkaitan dengan islam. Ketiga! orang cina dan keling hanyalayak mengundi sahaja tidak sebagai pemimpin politik. Tiada hak milik kekaldiatas tanah yang diduduki. Kalau tak sanggup boleh belah, negara kau!!!!!!!berambus!!!!!!.

Aku memang benci betul paria dan cina babi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! rasa naktabur je dengan peluru penabur, biar mampusssssss!!!!!!!!!!!. Tension betul leaku, macamana nak buat ni supaya aku tenang! buat macam orang serbia sembelihorang bosnia ! amacam?

Dalam memori aku tiada istilah dulu Tanah Melayu sekarang Malaysia. Pada akuTanah Melayu adalah Tanah Melayu dulu kini dan selamanya, tiada istilahMalaysia. Kalau aku jadi menteri aku tukar balik negara ini dengan nama NegeriMelayu. Itulah sebabnya cina dan hindu kurang ajar, sebab dia rasa bangsa diajuga berhak. Aku kesal sebab pemimpin dulu semasa nak menuntut kemerdekaankenapa nak jemput paria dan cina babi ini, biar kita lambat merdeka sikit takapa, contoh macam Brunei, sekarang kan senang, tak perlu diganggu oleh cina babidan hindu barua ni. Pada fikiran aku bangsa kita masih belum merdeka lagi selagiada paria dan cina babi ni.

Ingat! ini Tanah Melayu, adalah hak Melayu,Bangsa kamu ada negara sendiri, OrangMelayu, tidak ada negara lain, Bangsa kamu sekira berlaku kekacauan boleh cabutlari negara kamu, tapi ini Tanah Air kami, kami kena pertahan hingga ketitisandarah terakhir, Ingat lah! orang Melayu masih lagi bersabar, kalau syeihmakrifat kami memuncah, jangan salahkan kami, bangsa kamulah puncanya,dahsemakin mengancam ketenteraman tanah air kami, Bangsa kamu sudah melampau, Binakuil ikut suka hati, mohon sekolah cina dan hindu melampau, bina tokongbesar-besar, tulisan bangsa kamu semakin menjadi-jadi, kamu ingat ini negarakamu punya ka, tengok bangsa kamu yang menguasai perak, cepat-cepat tukar geranhak milik tanah kampung baru kepada hak milik kekal, apa maksudnya tu, kalau takada agenda nak menguasai tanah Melayu, ada Menteri Besar perak bodoh macamKaldai, aku tak sangka ada Menteri Besar Bodoh macam Keldai, ditunggang olehcina bab...

And when somebody tried to reason with them:

james - malays - left over society
2008-12-03 10:21:16
Damm, as I was commenting on the need of Islam to be progressive, on one of the article here, a new post was madeby the webmaster condemning DAP and the guest defending the Chinese. Iwas surprise that the web master did not understand regarding the need topreserve the Chinese language. It is sad that the web master himselfforget to brand this as a Malay chauvinist. This will not help. The needsfor the Malays to step out from the old culture, leaving the so called

KING of MALAYS
2008-12-03 11:24:29
james....fuckkkkkurMUM laaa

nhk
2008-12-03 11:59:17
orang pertama sokong kenyataan Mukriz adalah Prof. Khoo Kay Kim (orangcina)....kenapa?????

anak MELAYU
2008-12-03 21:38:14
hoi james, ko nak kene sunat ek? ko james bond ke james boh? mangkuk hayun cinani.....aku sula bontot ko nak?

melayu sekolah cina
2008-12-03 21:42:38
james....tiu lia ma chow hai laa. chisin....lia pa hang ka chan laa.... WHY WHY,TELL ME WHY.....TIU LIA MA KAU CHOW HAI.....

melayu sekolah cina
2008-12-03 21:43:49
james....WHY WHY TELL ME THAT, TIU LIA MA KOW CHI BEK.....

TAIKO MELAYU - to my dear james
2008-12-03 21:45:50
james, ini blog melayu taw ka? lu jangan berani kacau aaa.....lu mau kene potonglanchauu ka??????? cilaka luuu

ahmad albab
2008-12-03 21:48:08
james, lu taw apa itu 13mei ka? kalau jadi lagi cina susah cari makan taw....takpercaya? cuba laaaaa......lu belum jumpa melayu berani mati lagi taw....

I don't feel like going home.

After reading all these stuff I really don't feel like going home....

There's no unity, understanding and even a tad of sense in our society. We are all selfish, naive, and unwise. I'm not just talking about UMNO, but DAP and PR in general. DAP claims to support Malaysia for Malaysians, and yet we see calls for Sedition Act that was opposed fiercely by them on Mukhriz. Yet we see opposition in what in surface looked like binding Malaysians together. (Note: It is in accordance to the policy(literally), but as we all know, could be a reason to just make everyone zombies to UMNO.)

Nobody in our country is fit to rule. Each and every one of them has their own agenda. Who can I vote in the next general election?

I understand now the need for divinity, Men have yet to reach selflessness. We are all fools to our own fate.

The Pen is Mightier than the Sword, or is it?

I had to struggle to find words to express myself when I came across this article.

All the amusement and merriment I had accumulated the whole day, washed away by a short but heart-wrenching, upsetting and distasteful story.

By Ken Shiffman
CNN Senior Producer



(CNN) -- In 1993, Romeo Dallaire was full of hope for the future of Rwanda.

More than 800,000 people were killed in the Rwandan genocide in 1994.

The Canadian lieutenant general and son of a soldier was about to take up the biggest command of his career -- leading United Nations peacekeepers in the central African nation.

A year later he left Rwanda a broken man, having watched helplessly as more than 800,000 people perished in Rwanda's genocide despite his pleas for more troops to stop the massacre.
"We could have actually saved hundreds of thousands," Dallaire told CNN's Christiane Amanpour for "Scream Bloody Murder."

"Nobody was interested."

Dallaire's mission was to monitor a peace deal between two warring ethnic groups, the Hutus and the Tutsis. But the agreement was just a façade. Hutu extremists within the government were stockpiling weapons, and Tutsi refugees had formed a rebel army.

The Tutsis were a minority in Rwanda, and their plight was personal for Dallaire. His Dutch mother had watched friends die in the Holocaust, and he had been raised on stories of heroic Canadian soldiers who brought hope to war-torn Europe.

A French Canadian raised in Montreal, Dallaire had experienced discrimination first-hand and was determined to protect the Tutsi minority. But he soon found his was a lone voice.
On January 20, 1994, Dallaire made a chilling discovery: An informant warned him that Hutu government agents were planning bloodshed.

"They were going to conduct an outright slaughter and elimination of the opposition," Dallaire said.

Dallaire cabled his bosses in New York, warning that his informant "has been ordered to register all Tutsi in Kigali. He suspects it is for their extermination."

The informant described a major weapons cache, which Dallaire said he planned to raid in the next 36 hours.

Kofi Annan, then head of the U.N. Department of Peacekeeping Operations, was concerned about the safety of Dallaire's limited U.N. force. Annan's office told Dallaire: "We cannot agree to the operation contemplated ... as it clearly goes beyond the mandate."

Dallaire tried to change Annan's mind, repeatedly exchanging faxes with New York through the rest of January and into February.

"Ultimately I got authority. It took two months, and by then it was far too late," Dallaire said.
In an interview with CNN, Annan explained his reasoning:

"When you're operating in that sort of context with limited troops and facilities, you have to be careful what sort of risks they take, where everybody may even have to leave, and place a people at greater risk. And in a way, this is what happened," Annan said.

"Dallaire as a soldier, he's a very good man, he's a friend, and I respect his professional acumen. One had to take all these factors into consideration before you take a decision. Do the troops take this risk? Do they have the mandate? Do they have the resources?

"Dallaire himself said, 'If I had had a brigade, which is 5,000, I could have done a lot.' He had a fraction that number."

Asked why a brigade wasn't sent, Annan said: "The brigade was not available. The [Security] Council did not augment the troops. In fact, they went the other way.

"We would have liked to see a larger force in. I had had situations where I called 82 member states together, trying to get troops. I got zilch."

On April 6, 1994, a plane carrying the presidents of Rwanda and neighboring Burundi was shot down. It was the moment the Hutu plotters had been waiting for -- the spark that ignited the genocide.

Col. Theoneste Bagosora, a Hutu extremist, immediately declared the army was in charge. Within hours, government troops and civilian death squads began slaughtering Tutsis.
"We saw the extremists, the presidential guard and militias, going to specific houses ... and killing people or hauling people off," Dallaire said.

He described the horror of getting phone calls from people he knew while they were under attack.

"As they were busting down the door and opening fire," he said, "we would literally hear people dying at the end of the phone as they were trying to get through to us and we had literally nothing to send them."

Dallaire also heard the Hutu government-run radio tell listeners that Tutsis were "nothing but cockroaches," broadcasting names of people to be murdered and instructions on how to mutilate and kill them.

It was an echo of past genocides. In Cambodia, the Khmer Rouge called their victims "worms." To the Nazis, Jews were "vermin."

Dallaire says he and his troops moved through entire villages of dead, sometimes clearing paths through corpses with their bare hands.

"With my own hands I carried them," he said. "We carried them in our arms, we carried kids in our arms, and adults. We were picking the bodies and moving them aside. ...There would be piles of bodies."

Dallaire's troops were also targets: 10 were killed in the first days of the genocide. He was desperate for help, on the phone with New York several times a day, asking when reinforcements were coming.

Five days into the killing, some U.S. officials began to fear the worst. A top Pentagon official wrote about the potential for "hundreds of thousands of deaths." A day later, a State Department memo warned of "a bloodbath."

But instead of reinforcements, the United States joined a chorus of countries calling for withdrawal. Washington's taste for foreign intervention had soured.

Just months earlier in Somalia, two dozen Pakistani peacekeepers had been murdered. United States commandos on the hunt for the killers had their Black Hawk helicopter shot down.

Eighteen U.S. soldiers were killed.

Americans were anxious to extricate themselves from Africa -- just as they had been in Southeast Asia decades before.

"The U.S. troops had been killed and dragged through the streets and humiliated," Annan said. "The governments were not prepared to take another risk and go into Rwanda."
After two weeks of debate, Washington compromised and agreed to a token U.N. presence. The result: The U.N. Security Council voted to reduce Dallaire's already small force by 90 percent.
"In essence, they voted to allow the killers to continue," said Michael Barnett, a professor who was on a fellowship at the U.N. at the time and studied its response to the genocide.

"The moment that the U.N. votes to withdraw, that's when we see a real spike in the violence," Barnett said. "Because at that point it's clear to the Rwandans ... that there will not be any cavalry over the horizon."

In the fourth week of the killing, then U.N. Secretary General Boutros-Boutros Gali concluded that the mission was hopeless. He ordered a pullout of all U.N. troops. Dallaire refused.

"I refused a legal order," Dallaire said. "But it was immoral."

Dallaire and his few hundred peacekeepers could do little except help humanitarian efforts and protect a small number of people, while he repeatedly and futilely attempted to negotiate a cease-fire.

As the United States and the United Nations stood by, the rebel Tutsi army fought back against the Hutu government. In mid-July, 100 days of hell came to an end when Tutsi forces declared victory.

Weeks later, Dallaire asked to be relieved of his command. The horrors of the genocide had taken its toll. He was guilt-ridden, believing he should have done more to prevent the genocide.
In his book, "Shake Hands With The Devil: The Failure of Humanity in Rwanda," Dallaire wrote: "Death became a desired option. I hoped I would hit a mine or run into an ambush and just end it all. I think some part of me wanted to join the legions of the dead, whom I had failed."

Those thoughts of suicide followed him home to Canada.

In the preface of his book, Dallaire summed up his Rwanda experience, writing, "I know there is a God because in Rwanda I shook hands with the devil. I have seen him, I have smelled him and I have touched him. I know the devil exists, and therefore I know there is a God."

Today Dallaire is a senator in the Canadian parliament and dedicates much of his time to an initiative to eradicate the use of child soldiers.

To most of us in this world, we are blessed not to be born in a part of the world where guns and brawns would mean the power to dictate and decide the fate of those who live. We spend days trying to worry about what some whore/bitch would even consider one's affection, and yet somewhere far away, people are dying for no reason at all, or at the whim of people who just can't live with others and being selfish. We have officials who are bounded by the code of conduct and even with heavy hearts, they are limited by their tongues and are only able to negotiate while deep in their hearts, a bashing towards the Devil who is just sitting opposite them would've done more work than all the bickering for months.

Do you still believe in your views? Do you think that talking and talking would change everything? Every second you talk means another few of them gets shot down, raped, tortured, and even mulitilated by those who are supposed to talk to you at the opposite end of your diplomatic relations. What can we do to change, make a difference?

Setsuna asked Saji Crossroad a good question: "Is it enough for you to have your own peace? And that others do not matter?" When Saji questioned his reason to fight, and belittled his views.

Now is my turn to ask you, is it enough to have your own peace? That talking would end the pain, while those who are at the eye of the storm will just have to hold on and fend for themselves while you figure a way out? Have you even considered what situation they are in, and they need help now, and not later? Why are people so stupid? Why are politicians so naive? Why are you to thick-headed?

Shame on all of you.

Of Topknots and Too Much Time to Spare...

Had been struggling to write posts since that accidental Backspace button that caused my script to just disappear.

Man I hate the Backspace button now.

Apparently the swimming activity we were supposed to do today was cancelled due to others nagging and complaining about sore bones. Therefore I will spend my weekend ironing out my clothes.

Believe me, that’s enough of a task for the whole weekend. I have so many crumpled, unattended shirts that I feel like I want to scream, just like my dust-filled floor, which I wonder which idiot forgot to return the vacuum cleaner to the storeroom?

A better question would be:

Who the hell wants to keep a vacuum cleaner in his/her room?

Saw Sarah, who was one of those who actually I had managed to be friends with when I just got here. Apparently she doesn’t remember me, so maybe I did change a lot (Maybe the amount of hair I had really made a difference). I’m surprised to see her back in the Lodge again since she moved out last year. She asked me some random question about the washing machine which was apparently new while I was doing my crazy ironing quest in the laundry room.

Tied my hair in a topknot today! I’ve always had a liking with topknots on girls. Makes their foreheads bright and better sight on how good their complexion is. However I did this because of the hair falling on my face as I was ironing clothes.

I tried with a ponytail but it was kind of irritating, especially having that little tuff that just tickles you again and again. I finally understood why my sister hates me breathing under her neck. Sorry sis!!

Besides that, I suddenly had the feeling on visiting Namewee’s blog. It’s been a long while since that Negarakuku song as well as his quest on doing a documentary while hiking all the way back.
To my surprise, he not only had one, but four or five new clips, depending on how you regard about the type they are. Remembering the controversies I read from the press a couple of days ago about his newest clip, I had to take a look.

The clip was about having his friend acting as a makeshift English teacher, giving each alphabet a letter as well as making a sentence out of each of them. He did several of them with the same situation, having the guy moaning as if he was in an intercourse, which probably was not, and it would seem horrible to do so. Most of the letters were rude, but amusing. And the point he tried to show was to complain about the state of education system in our country, and especially about the independent schools, where he came out from.

I have reminded my sister not to watch it with my mother around, lest it annoys her and having her make a big fuss out of it. My parents still believe in good values and my mother has been nothing but protective and conservative about pressing matters in this society. I managed to convince her about the change of government, but nothing else besides that.

I felt a tinge of shame when I was watching his videos. I wanted to comment in his blog but I felt it would be more polite, even more sensible to just blog about it and see how people react around me. Most of the responses in his blog were negative, and he has made a rebuttal video to those dissidents, I prefer not to be caught in the fire this time.

He was ranting about how the education system has affected the students in Malaysia and how badly managed its policies were. The inclusion of Science and Mathematics in English was a huge burden to the education system itself, as it was rectified during the 1970s with the introduction of the KBSR and KBSM to change most subjects to Malay to instill national unity. As most of the English educated teachers are already or were retired, most of the current teaching staff is ill-equipped to manage this major overhaul once more. Since 5 or more years after its instillation, the debate still rages on.

From blogs I’ve read all over the Net, I find some of the Malays are against it as it diminishes the role of the national language and somehow it is an infringement of the Constitution. They believe that learning the Colonialist’s language would destroy their culture and heritage, therefore it must be rejected outright to preserve their cultural identity. The Chinese were adamant that they were given the liberty to teach in Chinese as well, causing even further problems as things got pretty messy. But the government tried to soothe them by including bilingual exam texts so that they are allowed to adjust to their own pace.

However, for him, he was caught in the storm where things were just starting and his friend was unable to continue his studies due to the poor level of English they have. He couldn’t even find work as English became a main criteria in employment. Hence they were forced to “balik kampung” (returning to their own village in Malay). In frustration, he complained that the ministry was pulling their legs and caused their future in doubt. He also voiced anger at the fact that independent schools were allowed to continue on teaching and enrolling students, but also being denied of other education opportunities after graduation. He mentioned that going overseas should be based on the fact that one wants to see the world, and not because of being forced by the limited opportunities allowed by his homeland.

I agree to a certain extent. However, watching the videos made me feel uncomfortable and somehow reminding me of the troubles I had back in school.

As most of the people who read my blog know, I am not your typical Chinese-medium educated student.

I started to show a preference on English since my primary education (where my sister got entranced by British Pop, and with Spice Girls at their peak) and have scored well ever since then, my class teacher even claimed that I held on to my class standings based on the ridiculously high marks I score in exams for English, compared to my other subjects. Classmates started to brand me as an outsider and somehow being against the norms. They think I “betrayed” the Chinese by practicing the language of another race. I was not popular with my classmates, and somehow despised by many. But welcomed by those who are as fluent as I was, where those who were strangely sent to such schools even though their family is obviously English-educated.

Things never changed even after I reached Secondary education. I was still doing well in English and being famously quoted by my English teacher as a “walking dictionary”, while my sister showed lethargy and leaned towards Mandopop instead. I still remembered the day I went to my tuition class and got flamed by Connie who noticed I was ogling at her and somehow me looking rather childish and fat and ugly and you know, stupid? I immediately proved to the whole class who the real master was. I spent three whole years dominating the class in that subject and having a love-hate relationship with her. In fact she angered me so much that I worked hard in class and scored perfect As in PMR, though I admit was smitten by her and was disappointed at her arrogance. We lost touch after that and I still miss how someone could make me hate and yet like at the same time. But without English, I would’ve been nothing but a lowly creature in class. It made a difference on how others looked at me.

Then came the debates, the ELS, etc, etc. Where I spent most of my time attached to the language. The thing that annoyed me the most was people being fast to presume that I was Christian, or Catholic. Popular belief states that if you are good in English, you are bound to attend Churches on Sundays. I was annoyed at this statement and staunchly denied this allegation. I was proud to pronounce I was Buddhist and rejected many invitations by my other Christian or Catholic friends to attend activities or missionaries to churches. In fact, I had been invited so many times to convert that I was fed up at people trying to convert me. Unlike those who are in confusion with religion, I had none as I am not desperate for popularity, nor am I a believer in divinity. I had so many chances to convert, but I didn’t, as I was determined to prove to people that you do not need to be in that religion to be good in that language. I am quite upset with things like girls forcing their boyfriends to convert in order to retain their relationships as well as those problem articles we read in newspapers about religious differences in spouses. After what happened 3 years ago, I stopped believing in divinity would make a change in this world.

The change of English came to me during Form 6. I had plenty of practice in previous forms where Mr. Choo, my Chemistry teacher for Form 4 forced us to study Chemistry in English. He was a really good teacher, but I wasn’t going to excel in my Chemistry until the following year where I did well under another teacher. The change was tough, and everyone presumed I would have a breeze in it. In fact I wasn’t, by picking Physics as my core subject, I had made myself one of the toughest choices, and I was never good in mathematical analysis. Friends have persuaded me to reconsider and even my parents have been supportive of me doing Arts, but due to my ambition to be in one of the toughest branches in Engineering, I went ahead and hit a brick wall. It proved that although one is superior in terms of language, it takes real practice to really do well in it. Getting a Band 6 in MUET or Band 8 in IELTS didn’t make things easier, besides some wide-eyed astonishment of student counselors or those warm and friendly staff at the UK education fair.

But now, studying in an environment where English is the main medium of disseminating information, I felt grateful that I had 2 years prior to adjusting to the language beforehand. I had eased my way past the 1st semester here, though things have not been easy after that. But that was not due to the language barrier anymore, but the quality of education of our country instead. I am a supporter of the return of the science and mathematics in English, as I personally had felt the advantage after its implementation. My other friends who were not so lucky, had to struggle not to fall asleep and not getting Dr. Colin Kestell’s thick British accent, or Ian Brown’s low mumblings on Materials. I felt sorry for them and I understood their situation. Just that I felt annoyed at their insistence on speaking Chinese where things would’ve improved had they opened their mouth and made awkward remarks. I started like that as well, there is no shame in that. I would do that again if I were to learn another language.

Therefore, Namewee’s ranting is not insensitive or a cheek at coverage and scoring fame. It’s just his personal view where I know most of my stubborn, ultra-conservative friends would relate to. I’ve been called a “Banana”, a traitor, and some things that I myself wouldn’t have known due to my weird affiliation with another language. It would just be easy to just follow the crowd and just go with the flow, but it takes real character to not do so. I’m reaping the benefits now, despite the somehow mocking song by S.H.E about the Chinese language being increasingly popular. I can hear the smirks by the opposition and that would’ve been their theme song in any debate. I don’t hate my own language, just that I’m good in another. Being multilingual is something I am grateful to acquire, and I hope everybody in Malaysia can see this. Instead of waiting to be understood, why not learn the language and understand others? All the bickering and opposition is pointless if there is a point in doing so, and this is what I think the only thing I would agree with the government. So flamers beware.

I can understand you, Namewee. Though I must admire your creativity. We need people like you, those who can make a difference.

My Lost Wallet

Apparently I have this amazing ability.

The ability to make my wallet dissapear so abruptly that the owner does not even notice it until a certain length of time after its dissapearance.

This is not the 1st time it happened. This is in fact the third time this has happened since I came here.

Amazingly, with luck and honestly from the people around here, I've managed to recover previously my wallet unscathed TWICE. Which means, everything intact, all the money and documents inside. I was astounded and very very impressed with the high level of morality the people here have, despite the usual annoyances I came across from the locals where they binge to death on weekends, run around like nutcases and ask stupid questions. Though they seem to be lack of morality, they make up for honesty and sincerity. I don't hate you guys, I just am not used to the way of life here.

All I wish is that I hope for a third time lucky. But I think even being something from above, which I now highly doubt its existence, would be frustrated with this seemingly amazing "ability" I have come to inherit. My parents have pointed out the possibility of the dissaperance of my spouse in the future should I keep this thing up. Losing it a couple of times is bad enough, but for it to happen three times, this is unprecedented. Even friends have been chiding me and especially Terence, who I berated for being a bad DotA player, took this oppotunity to take a swipe back at me and said I deserved it.

To the extent that, I admit I am not a good person to take hold of any responsability. I should be ashamed, and yes, I should be more careful.

But honestly Terence, you've said too much and somehow the annoyance has been rather hard to bear. You reactions in the games today have shown you being unreceptive of the criticism which you, quite frankly proved to us yet again today.

If you want to shut us up and give you some respect, earn it. Stop feeding and making stupid mistakes. I think Jeremy says it all:" Look at that, another chapter of the Noob Supremacy. Chase-kill and yet getting creeped and killed."

Which in fact I would be happy to show some really unbelievable things really poor players do that makes this quote a rather harsh comment. Take note that if you don't understand some of the things, it's alright. But it seems quite straightforward and you can see why we enjoy this game so much.




Part 2 of it:



Courtesy of Pizzaslice111, the person responsible of patching all of these up. Catch his other works in You Tube. Put his name there on the search box and you'll get tons of other cool clips he's made about dotA.

Hell, I don't intend to insult you man, but I had my share of criticism and I've made up for it. You've seen me play today with vindication and I've proven myself. I let my performance do the talking.

Anyway thanks for the advice you gave me. I hope you'd bounce back.

Befuddled

I know I should be asleep by now. But I just felt like switching off my MSN and Facebook, etc, and think about what I should write since my hiatus for exams.

Things have not been happening too well for me. I screwed up both Materials and Dynamics. I know I don’t stand a chance with Dynamics since I barely did anything for that one. Apparently my weakness of being unable to draw vector diagrams would kill me as it did for Statics. I only realized this now.

Then again I must apologize to my parents about a few matters:

1. I have not been a good son. I have fought you all along the way by pushing myself and waste a year of funds doing something which quite frankly, hasn’t turned out so well. I do not intend to give up, but I must assure you things are getting hard. Either you pull me out now, or I shall go ahead and plod all the way through. Think in terms of monetary, if you guys are pushed. Be practical, I will understand.

2. I have failed to fulfill your hopes. I promised to work hard and yet I have failed to do so. I have nothing to say but to blame myself for still feeling sorry for myself and getting myself into situations that don’t benefit me at all. I have tried to change myself and start over but I see myself unable to move forward due to certain things in the past. Apparently it isn’t easy to let go and move on, and I have been hampered time and time again by people who quite frankly, don’t deserve to be worried about. I have been disappointed time and time again. It’s time to let bygones be bygones and just accept this bitterly. I have yet to swallow this bile with enough gusto. It would take time to take it in completely.

3. I have not shown proper respect and have been nothing but nuisance. Besides being opposing and lazy, I have also been wasteful. Indulging on matters that don’t matter at all. I deserve less than what I have. I have shown arrogance and ignorance to matters and have also disregarded advice. I have lied and have shown immaturity in dealing with my life. I have not let go of that matter completely and recent issues have affected my judgment as well as emotions which I admit would have affected exam morale.

In simple terms, this has been an expensive vacation.

I do not doubt the probability of coming back empty-handed. But I wish for better states where I would not have to bother with these matters. All I want is a degree which in turn would reflect me in a better light, and aid in my career. I wanted this to wipe away my past. I am annoyed by constant scorns and remarks about how simple things can be solved with a snap of a finger. It’s not so. Or in other words, I think I can use her words and say: “Please take some time to understand my situation.”

It is exactly disgusting to use her words, where I really do not understand the extent of her actions.

1. How can one just place faith into another person’s hand just because you cannot find solace in the shelter of one’s heart desires? By picking another, does that mean solace can be found as it surely can be with the other? Is fickle mind-ness an unchangeable trait of the female counterpart?

2. How can one admit they are both bitchy and slutty at the same time, yet not be responsible for their own actions? Does that mean claiming to be both of these words, one can be freed and not be blamed for performing such actions?

3. How can a person be so insensitive and yet ask for people to be sensitive to their own? Why must we give the benefit of a doubt to a person who has not shown any sincerity towards a long-lasting acquaintance? Why must this be one-sided, when public relations have always been between two parties?

4. Why must sincerity be scorned while falsehood and other intentions are tolerated? Why claim it is hard to reject one who has been barely liked, while one has swiftly denied the sincere advances of another? Why so easily done in the past and yet so hard in the future?

5. Why claim to be afraid to talk about the past and also said to be regretful of past cruelties done to the previous advances, and yet be cruel again? By being selfish, is one freed of all guilt?
Clearly all these are things that go on in my mind and will not return any satisfactory answers. Comments from her peers have shown immense shallowness and naivety that stems from the core of the fellowship. One claims to be oblivious to the fact that to be a slut, one has to be defined by all the actions of a slut to be termed so. By not acting to that extent, one can only be presumed to be not acting so, but to another more suitable term, which is unknown. One has not acted in random acts of intercourse and mingling with negative influences, how can one be termed so, especially when one still holds firmly onto their sanctity? In that case, how can be expected to be termed so? Self-claim is no claim.

Making such statements has been hurtful to me as much as the person on the receiving end, and yet if not done so, nobody ever shall. The intent of destroying and rebirth is to shatter the past obstacles and forge a new path towards progress, which will in turn be destroyed yet again for other progresses in time. To wield the flames of change, yet be doused by cold remarks has made the destruction a bare dent on the old ways. I have again been foiled and now feel that the light shall not emit from the end of this tunnel, while the destruction would only lead to my own demise.

My weariness takes toil upon myself. I shall retire and pray that the world has no mercy and strike swiftly on those who deserve retribution on their acts. Yet again, if justice is not served as before, then I have placed wronged faith on the balance of the world, and lived as a Man in vain.

I feel no regret on such remarks, as they are nothing but pure truth, and if the truth is hard to bear, then searing heat and swift judgment shall be the answer for thy ignorance.

I am now broken as a man with his sword shattered and unrepaired.

(PS: Updates after this, writing this is but a warm up for more posts.)

一年了

用中文写部落格的次数，用手指应该数得出来吧？

其实也并不是什么见不光的事，就是心血来潮，想要用中文来写些罢了。用词，句子不通顺，或者任何其它根语文的毛病，请多多包涵。因为作者是个极度不擅长用中文来表达东西的人，也就是说，在中学用中文用的非常烂的家伙。我看连写这段开头，都用了九牛二虎之力，之后要怎么撑下去呢？

之从上个月突然间觉醒之后，本人感觉非常意外。所有跟之前的压力，悲伤，埋怨，等等都离我而去。也就是说，简直像被某某东西上身之后，突然间被道士做法赶走般的舒畅，清爽。刚好当时也是换季的时候。换季，也是我对她的“换季”。

不再想念，不再怀念，不再牵挂。

自己不再为自己找借口，自己开始接受，明白。自己开始释怀，忘记。

自己很不相信自己就是被一个她在自己部落格上写的一份文章醒过来的。当时自己也就是在部落格上很生气很生气地破口骂了一顿。当时的自己也打了通电话回去，跟一直为我担心的妈妈说了一句话：

我好了

妈什么都没说，就是告诉我放下了就好，还有很多事要做呢。对，的确很多事，不过自己本身就是不能战胜懒神的厉害，到了至今还是老样子，笑死人了。难道老天爷给我的重生，就白白的浪费了吗？难道，就会把我在这里的深造画上句号，把它当作个出去散心的旅程吗？

不，还是赶快写完这个，就开始努力吧。虽然时间剩下不多，至少做了点始终比完全没做来得好。不过，我可不是随随便便能满足的人。还是来个疯狂临时抱佛脚行动吧。

对了，话说回来。。。我之从得到了她的部落格网站之后，时不时会打开来看，想知道这个笨蛋最近又冒了什么鬼东西，看看她会不会在网站上提到我。其实都有，最近她又对另一个男生产生好感，在部落格上写的有多凄惨，从无奈，到失望，至绝望。才没多久之前才好不容易把那个外地来的老外放下，现在又跑出另一个“洋”。我说啊，恒，你也太容易上钓了。不过，我即使那时多么诚心的追，也打动不到你。真郁闷。

说提到我，也有提到。不就是随随便便的两句。就说，“那个在高中喜欢我的男生又在看我的部落格哦。。。”也不能说那个肯定是我，因为当时喜欢她的，不只是我一个人。不过，看了的确又一阵的不爽，原来在她的脑海里，我只不过是个“战利品”，脑海里突然间浮现了个影像，就是在众多人面前炫耀她自己有多么受欢迎的高中生活，而我，就是她会在那些人面前被说成曾经追过她而追不到的男生。要是自己以后成功之后，在电视上出现的话，我看她一定肯定告诉她的孩子：“那个人之前有追过我哦！”想起来真的非常不爽呢。

我之前为她做的事，送过她的东西，为她写过的文章，都忘了一干二净了吗？自己真的觉得自己做的事都白费了。还想回去当时还托敏捷替我做捷运的事，到现在还生我的气呢！我那时都坑下所有的面子，志气，就是为了替她庆祝当时的生日。就因为她说我对她的眼神，有侵犯她的感觉，还费了不少毅力，避开她的眼神，让她好过些。当时的我，什么都没想，就是处处为了她。而我得到的回报，就是那么的少。爱情，就是那么的残忍。

当时还担心她刚交的男朋友对她好不好，不停的注意他对她的企图是否会造成伤害。还无谓的吃了很多苦头，省了很多不该生的气，甚至搞炸了自己的学业，还差点连大学都进不了。要是家境再差一点，恐怕我的愿望只好煲汤了。

当时刚好离开的时候，还担心不再她的身边，会不会因为她的滥交，而在这个五花八门的首都里吃亏。那个时候还想了最坏的情况，做好心理准备。还疑问自己会对她关心直道什么时候，会不会就这个样子过下半辈子了吗？因此，刚到这里道的时候，对任何女生的接触都保持距离。因为，我当时还真的相信念好了书，就业了成功了之后再回头将自己在那个时候的黑暗彻底的摸掉。而且还以为，这样子做，可能能成为最后的胜利者。

想着，这些都是一年前的事了。

两年前，还因为一个人而做了那么多的傻事。然而得不到珍惜。可惜。

唯一肯定的是，我曾经爱过你。爱得死去活来，爱得痛不欲生，爱得包容她的一切。

爱得明白什么是爱。

爱得很用力，不过，就是得不到爱。

现在，这些感受刚好相反。现在，她就是我。对另一个男生爱得死去活来，爱得痛不欲生，爱得包容他的一切，爱得很用力，却得不到他的爱。

恒，你明白了我当时的感受了吗？

To Hurt Or To Be Hurt

As you may have already noticed, if I ever posted anything on this blog, it would very highly probably be something that I cannot post on my other blog.

I know this is very random and may not be welcomed by regular visitors of this blog but well as KY has bestowed me the right to tarnish this blog, might as well use it to the fullest :P

I'm sure everyone in this world who's lived till my age (21 going to 22 soon, i know i'm old) has either been hurt by someone, or hurt someone before. Or both. And you know what kind of 'hurt' I'm talking about. Not physically but emotionally. Well i'm not talking about super duper it-girls/ it-boys obviously they are too perfect/popular to be hurt by anyone. >(

But I'm talking about normal humans like you and me. Normal humans who need to be loved and are bound to be weak at some point, to make mortal mistakes all the time.

I've never actually shared the story that till now still makes me want to bang my head into a wall and die with the self recognition of being the stupidest human on Earth, during the time the story was taking place. Truth is I'm not the kind of person who will ever admit to having emotional weaknesses. The more I feel weak emotionally, the more I hide it.

But now that everything is over and done with, I look back and realised despite all the frustration, heartache, sadness and anger, i've taken a lot away from it as well and as much has I'd hate to admit it, I've learnt a lot from it.

And the fact that i'm about to share it on a blog which's probably read by mostly peeps I dunno, I can assure myself that it is securely in the past, and shall rest in it.

I came from and grew up in an environment where feminism is highly championed and taught as a way of life. Family inculcated this value in me, school strengthened this belief, and personal experiences/observations fixed this belief in concrete. As a self-proclaimed highly multi-talented female, I did not, for the first 20 years of my life fall for, or even for a second get infatuated in any male before. Simply because i thought I was way above.

Then in my first year of university, one particular guy came into the scene. The first few times I saw him, never even registered his face. Nothing special, nothing impressionable, basically not my type. If you have to know, he's a typical Eastern European (or Southern, dunno their classifications), hence all the body hair, facial hair, intense and fierce features, loud language, huge male ego, basically too neanderthal.

It all started with Facebook. We'd Facebook message each other excessively and flirt extensively. Then it graduated to MSN and calls and SMSes that carried on throughout every minute of the day even when one of us was out of the country. But all the while I still had my guard on. All this while I thought I was the one in control while he was the desperate one with his assertions and actions which at that time was plain obvious that he was into me, (SOrdid details I do not wish to share, sorry.) while I was the one tarik-harga-ing. Reasons were simple, right from day 1 I knew we were very different people, and he's the extreme opposite of what I'd want in a partner- egoistic, selfish, critical, vain, superficial.

But on the grounds that he was a friend and I am not choosy with friends, I allowed him to keep badgering me, and allowed to chance for my heart to go astray.

Then owing to the hateful fact that i was born as the more emotional sex, feelings started to grow and I was starting to be very much affected by the the words that came out of his mouth. I started to do things that I would never ever imagined I'd do for anotehr person. I figured out that was it for me, I was dead. I'd finally got myself caught in the stupid web of emotions. We started arguing a lot and I was tired of having to guess his thoughts and feelings all the time due to his over "friendly" behaviour but never, ever confessions of his feelings.

So finally I asked THE question. Whether he liked me or not as more than a friend.

Answer came out as negative , as you would've expected.

At that point, I felt like the stupidest person on earth for having been used and invested my feelings in something that was NEVER there at the 1st place.

WOrst of all, I felt like I was being strung along all this while and served as only a temporary fill-in for someone's lonely heart while he was still having fun with numerous other females and pining for his ex still. I felt cheated.

In short, I was hurt.

As optimism has always been my one and only solution for most of my numerous troubles in life, I managed to convince myself how much I've learnt from it and I've since then pledged to live a feeling-less year. 1st class is most important! even if it takes being a nerd.

But then as always, God decided to throw a test on me. He threw me someone who's very sweet and lovely but whom I will never ever have feelings for. Someone who requires very delicate handling because of the complicated nature of our relationship. And along with this someone, a few other tests emerged out of nowhere along the way, out of a sudden. Just as I was mending and patching up the little pieces of my poor little delicate heart, these things burst out, unwelcomed. And worst of all, I recognise that all these problems started all because of myself, my casualness towards the boundaries of a friend. And all because of my casualness, I realised I may have been misleading them, as how the previous jerk has been misleading me.

In short, I realised that I am to them as the jerk was to me at that time. But for some reason I feel a considerably larger amount of guilt towards this complicated someone as compared to the otehrs simply because the nature of our relationship prevents blunt rejection. Hence, another day of avoiding blunt confrontation, another day's worth of guilt added to my conscience.

As days go by it became more and more apparent and lucid what was happening in my previous endeavour. ANd I used to spend hours and hours trying to figure out what was happening and wat was going through his head. And now that I think I might finally have a clue, I don't like it.

Truth is, because I was once at the receiving end of being misled, I know how painful it feels like and I do not want to mislead. I feal guilty. I feel bad. i feel horrible. I feel like I'm no different from the jerk.

I do not want to hurt, cause I know how bad it feels like to be hurt. But when there is no other option than to hurt, I suddenly realised how pitiful I must have been in the past endeavour as the one being hurt.

I know this sounds really convoluted and all over the place. And mushy. And i know I've sworn off emo-ness. But why do all these things have to come back to me one after another??
Just leave me alone please.
I just want a peaceful nerd life.
I just want to be alone....

Imba-ness of Gundam 00

The 1st episode was a little letdown as everyone expected the new Gundams to appear and wipe everyone out, or at least introduced them as they did in the previous season, and all we got was a "caped" Exia (apparently used to hide his missing hand from the last battle four years ago) being dissected by the new Jinx and Ahead of the Earth Federation A-Laws Elite Team. Luckily we had a glimpse of Seravee, Tieria's new Gundam saving Exia from the last stroke.

However, the 2nd episode was a total 180, and we get to see what this series is all about. Gundam 00 has finally risen from its slumber and did what we all expected it to do, wipe every single Ahead and Jinx without a scratch. I've watched this several times and I still can't get over how scary this Gundam is going to become. The revolutionary Twin Drive allows it three times the spec of all the normal Gundams, with that mysterious particle stream ability. I managed to get a clip of the activation of it in the midst of destruction. Apparently not all GN drives could be compatible, and it was with the recklessness and determination of Setsuna that it finally responded to its Meister's call.




Looking forward to the reunion of all the meisters...in episode 3

Hmm...

I know I'm supposed to be excited about the premiere of Gundam 00 tonight, but that would mean nothing as the subs would require it to be out only around tomorrow. Therefore after the early departure from my friend's house since Tuesday, I've spent time fruitlessly on stuff which quite frankly don't matter much at all. But I've spent my Friday last week watchinig a Japanese drama called Proposal Daisakusen or Operation Love or 求婚大作战. It turned out to be my activity for the whole afternoon and night after watching it during brunch. I simply got hooked by it and went on chasing the whole series until I slept. J-Dramas don't take too long, as they usually last no more than 15 episodes, but packed with meaningful and sufficent drama. I've watched several of them before, but this one would definitely be up there as one of my favourites.

The drama was about a guy called Iwase Ken who at the wedding day of his best friend Yoshida Rei (and also his secret crush for 15 years) wished he could turn back time and change the outcome of the wedding. While he was at the reception of the party, a funny looking man appeared and offered him a chance to do so. He would be allowed to travel back to the slideshow pictures at the reception and overturn the outcome of the pictures, which might result in the alteration of the entire wedding. In exchange, the man would be able to feast on his sumptuous platter.

The eventual wedding Ken was bent on stopping it from happening...

The 11 episodes of the drama each consists of a slide about an occasion which they would be in and he would be able to go back to that particular occasion. All of them were nice, but there were a few that really stood out.

Ken's Friend, Tsuru confessing his love for Rei's friend Eri on the field

Ken willing to take a bath just to purchase the milk coffee in the bathhouse...

For example, for the 2nd time travel, he went back to his high school Cultural Festival and Rei made him buy her milk coffee. Being back from the future, he thought that was the key to the sour-faced Rei in the picture in the slideshow, and went on a witch-hunt for milk coffee. Ironically, he was unable to get it no matter how hard he tried, and went back to a sour-faced Rei. He was at wits’ end and almost gave up when he recalled that she reacted strangely when his friend wanted to take a look at the CD she just returned to him. He opened it up and saw another hint: a book list. He then went back to the library and found something he did not find 6 years before: a baseball figure intended for his birthday, which was the point of the occasion. This was actually the main reason why Rei was upset because he didn’t find it. The adventure ends as they took the same picture and the flash brought him back to the present world, but this time, the picture had a smiling Rei on it. However, the wedding still happened.

The picture shown at the slide at 1st...

After the discovery of the Bass baseball figure, Rei's expression changed in the photo...

Another one that I was amused by was the one he went back to time to his 1st year in university, and had Rei’s grandfather over during the World Cup, and he woke up to her grandfather calling himself Beckham, and sporting a Mohican hairstyle. Rei’s grandfather left his home in Hiroshima without a single luggage and stayed over at Ken’s place over the summer, where Rei had been trying to persuade him to go back because her grandmother was worried. Rei’s grandfather was surprisingly outspoken, open-minded and wasn’t shy to hide his feelings to anyone, especially saying “Aishteru!!” to his wife, Rei grandmother on the phone in front of the Rei’s friends, which resulted in revulsion on everyone’s faces. XD He even sported wearing Ken’s t-shirt and jeans and walking all over the university talking to the female students in the university, to the dismay of Rei.

At that time, their fellow lecturer, Tada who was the eventual groom for Rei had appeared and Rei persuaded him to take care of her grandfather while she went for her classes. When Ken went back after his classes he found the grandfather happily chatting away with Tada, and at one point even claimed him to be the future husband for Rei, and Ken was crushed.

Later in the day her grandfather left Ken’s house and boarded the bus back to Hiroshima, and before he left he told Ken that: “Only fools wait for tomorrow!” He chided Ken for holding back his feelings for Rei and also told him to be more assertive lest he regrets in the future. He later convinced Rei to run to the bus station to see off her grandfather when he recalled that Rei’s grandfather died later that year, and she didn’t manage to give him her architecture sketches and the photo they had shot together. She also managed to tell him that his tamagoyaki (egg-roll biscuits) were delicious, and that brought a very touching farewell from her grandfather.

On the way back to his apartment he talked to Rei about the sensitive topic her grandfather brought up with Tada and the rest of the gang: her 1st kiss. Rei was clearly upset when Ken didn’t remember that she lost her 1st kiss because on him falling over her in an event during primary school Sports Day. Ken then took the chance when she walked up the stair to steal a kiss from her. She was stunned then slapped him twice in the face, and clearly showed a hint of a smile as she ran up the stairs. Ken thought he succeeded this time and went back in time with great hope, only to see a smile instead of the frown on the picture, and the wedding still in place.

An artistic rendition of the exact situation he stole the kiss...

As he went back he did several awkward things, like telling his friend Mikiyo about his trademark move 5 year later which caused confusion in his face, and trying to convince everyone that if he didn’t do the home run in which he failed and caused the baseball team to lose in the 1st picture, they would’ve lost anyway since his friend Tsuru would be struck out, and nobody believed him. He even wrote on Tada’s farewell card when he was a temporary teacher at his high school that he will not lose to him, and got questioned for his motive to write so. Only his friend Mikiyo realized that Ken was going back in time and helped him in several pictures later in the episode. He even slipped in one last picture in order to help Ken and settle the score straight since all his help failed at the previous pictures.

He didn’t always go back to change her sour-faced photos, (which surprisingly was quite often so, since she was always upset because Ken was insensitive towards her) he did go back once to change himself. After Tada confessed to Rei at the previous picture, she took a long time to consider and later told Ken she would accept him, and he recalled that was his worst new year. He was supposed to celebrate the New Year with them watching the 1st sunrise on the beach, and watching the new couple together made him so upset that he took another turn and refused to go with them. His friends then went to the beach only to realize that they all missed Ken and went back to find him, thus changing the whole background, and Rei sporting a very interesting handbag that she jokingly wanted from Ken's little blunder.

Ken's opinion on DKNY's meaning: Don't Knock New York XD

Eventually he went back 11 times, and each time he failed to convey his feelings towards her properly, resulting the wedding to still occur and him still at square one. But then, his actions of trying to change every single picture of Rei’s frowns to smiles did improve her opinion of him, and in turn, changed his thinking about the whole ordeal. He learnt to accept that the things he thought would change everything in fact didn’t change them at all. His travel back time was in fact a journey of realization, and not about saving the girl of his dreams. At the end he was given another chance by the fairy to the time where he was about to give a speech at the reception, and he was to make the best out of it, which then was clearly stated on the title of the finale:

A Tearful Confession

The thing that I liked about this drama was the fact that it was a very real situation where everyone would regret something and wished they could turn back time to change things. Little would they realize that in the end , they will always be the same and there should not be regrets about it, as what is done, is done. We will always have regrets, it’s whether we can live by it. I’m sure everyone who reads my blog know about all the things that I’ve gone through and how hard for me to live by it, until last week. I’ve suddenly come to terms with it and understood the fact that no matter how much remorse I had, nothing would happen and I would only be stuck in the past. Besides, I had none of the affection that I see Ken and Rei had for each other. Sometimes, I felt like it would be so, but usually, I feel like as if the feelings were one-sided.

Like what the fairy said, what Ken did was to go back in time and change those several hours of his life, and humans are not easily affected by that few hours of fate, especially their feelings. What is important is not to be upset with the past, but to fight for the present and future. I don’t have the chance to go back, but I understand what it implies. I know the truth, and yet I choose to live in denial. He also said, quoting J.S Bass: “Men find it hard to forget their 1st love, and women their last romance.” I admit this is not the 1st time I felt this to someone, but I know this is the 1st time I stepped up and went for it. I will not, like what my mom said, laugh at myself in the future, but understand and be proud that I had loved. I understand it and I know what to do when time comes.

If you’re reading this, thank you for giving me the chance to fail. I do care and I will always care about you. But don’t expect me to do all the things you thought I would just like I did 2 years ago. I’m not tied down by any responsibility to you anymore. Yet, I wish you happiness and hope that you will get it. Do not be ashamed by things around you, they are bound to have their own reasons. I’m not proud with a lot of things, but I’ve learnt to live by it. It’s good to hear you know how I feel at that time with what you’re experiencing now. Do what you can and just make sure this time, it isn’t a wrong impression.

To another person, if you’re reading this. Do not always wallow in your sorrows trying to search for an answer. Sometimes it’s not because of you or anyone else, but what we call fate. Not one is at fault, and the things that both of you once had are just not there anymore. Changing yourself won’t bring him back. Neither having to improve yourself won’t make him come back to your side. I know it’s hard to understand and accept at your time of thinking, I’ve been there before. It took me more than 2 years to forget someone, with both time and thousands of miles away to change that. You should understand that the harder for you to forget, means the more you like that person. What is given cannot be taken back, and if anyone rejects you because of that, that person does not deserve you, for he is only in pursuit of chastity and not love.

It’s a really nice thing to watch anyway, and the music is simply beautiful. I won’t say the leading actor for Ken is simply divine in terms of looks, but he did very well for his part. But I would really commend the actress, Nagasawa Masami for doing a brilliant job as Rei, I was so convinced that she was Rei herself. She made me like Rei as a person, and made me think that Ken is lucky to have such a great friend and love. I can’t find anything much to complain, save the hanging ending that got concluded by the special episode after that.

PS: Not a drama addict, but I really do like shows that make me share their emotions and gives me a lot of thought.

I guess that’s it for now.

Gundam 00 2nd Season

Oh yea!! After months of waiting patiently for Code Geass 2 to end...finally last week my wishes were fufilled >0<

Now it is time for Gundam 00 to return to the stage and complete their mission: To wage war in persuit of peace.

Go Setsuna, Lockon, Hallelujah and Tieria!! Go Go Go!!

Suddenly I noticed that this is not subbed and probably people will be totally confused about what they're talking about. So I'm lets show something else that could clarify some of the confusion to those who have no idea about what this show is about....

I found this couple of months ago and it was hillarious!! This is how screwed up it could be if you're a anime producer.

Enjoy ^_^

Bitter...

Was forced to eat humble pie today, not really happy about it.

This doesn't concern the conceited monkey stated previously, which I think would be an even bitter pill to swallow.

I used to think having the ability to read someone's mind was a powerful weapon, but now I would rather not read anyone's mind at all, especially hers.

Apparently I could now, and I've just seen something that just kicked me into senses and somehow as much as I want to be in denial like our dear Prime Minister, I have to take this in, listen to her rather than assume, and just accept this as a fact.

Seriously I'm not happy,

I'm not happy with the thing I just read.

I AM UPSET!!!

Can someone comfort me instead? Because I really don't know how to respond to this...and I need to do some work, sigh.

I've just lost my aim, my passion, my vengence and my anger all in one go. I have no reason to retialate and do what I intend to do four years after this. Which would sound like a good news for Weiqi, and all those people in support of him.

I was gravely mistaken.

In denial I am, but I will take this in deepest consideration.

Conscience guide me, for I shall need it in the days to come.

PS: I've always thought I was DSAI fighting against the oppression, instead, now I feel like oppression was from me instead.

Happy now?

Simple Update

I've decided to annoy everyone with a freakishly gay latest photo of me that I'll be using soon for all my avatars.

I've finally have the capacity to tie a ponytail on the back of my head!! ^_^

Oh shit now I think my blog is turning into a Steven Lim junkyard.

After a 2 week hiatus, I think I should be updating some stuff just in case the moderators think I'm dead or what...touch wood.

Anyway a lot of stuff happened the couple of weeks I've been absent. A friend passed away, a birthday bash, a numerous thoughts, and maybe some weight gained. Damn, after since I've been having breakfasts I think my waistline's expanded a bit. I don't feel as inclined to wear that nice black tight long sleeved shirt that I usually do when I was THIN. Sigh.

Been learning how to play mahjong.

Anyway today's September 16th. Happy Malaysian Day!!

It's something to be happy about. Because:

Anwar's got the numbers to kick BN out.

Finally.

I'm quite fed up with the double standards, the insults and all the ridiculous things we had to put up with all my life. Even studying here has made me feel the same, all those JPA scholaships and Petronas-bonded gits here who are here free-loading makes me sick. Don't get me wrong, some are really nice, like my mother's friend's sister's niece (lol that's a long relationship.) Linda, she's been a pretty nice person helping me fit around and I really do find her a good fried to have with the pathetic amount of people I can say as friends in my hostel.

And they increased the rent!! Really inclined to move out now....gotta find somewhere decent for that soon, or they'll make me sign that crappy agreement in that short span of time.

Few weeks ago Mom's friend, the lady who owned a pastry shop few doors down came over for her daugther's graduation,(sorry Michele, I have a short term memory with names) and mom actually told her to send something over for my 21st B'day. Therefore I had to go and meet her and pick it up and to my surprise, what I got for my 21st, the one and only B'day that signifies my adulthood is this:

A Fossil Watch with a very interesting background intended to confuse idiots trying to read your watch without your permission.

It's not like what I expected, but mom, haven't you forgotten? I'm bad with watches!! The last watch I had dislocated itself due to the combination of sleazy maintenence and the extreme heat radiating from me. Besides, I've gotten used to rely on my handphone timer than a watch, also the fact that I'm left-handed, putting the watch on my left hand impedes my wrist movement.

But then again, thanks mom for a wonderful gift. Some people only had red-dyed eggs for their birthdays. I should be grateful.

Yet my sis thinks I got a super nice gift for my 21st. What did she get?? A freaking chain with a key-shaped thing in the middle! (That's what usually people get for their 21st B'day!) STFU plz then, I only got a watch, so don't try to compare!

Anyway I'm pissed about some guy who just can't take it when I say something about his friends. I simply cannot understand why someone would be upset about somebody saying something about people he knows. I know plenty of people talk about me behind my back, does anybody feel upset and start to defend me? I wouldn't even feel upset if somebody said something about my friends as well, because I don't have to accept what they say and if they're wrong, I'll correct them or just keep it in because I know how much they're worth, who cares about what they think?? Being upset about me saying things about you is maybe perhaps good sense, but being upset about others? I just don't understand.

Am I that bad of a person?

Because this isn't the 1st time it happened.

The last time was because I made some comment about his friends who acted crazy on front of the camera on facebook. I just said why does he look crazy, and its funny for me. And then he got pissed. I mean, what the hell is wrong with this? And this time, he got pissed because I saw him and his friends talking about this rape case that recently happened in HK and they were "discussing" if the girl was seemingly "consensual" with the accomplices. One of them had a clip and he showed it to us. I saw a few minutes and I was disgusted. Today I told it to my other friend about the case and his friend's actions and he was present and he claimed I was being "a person who wears coloured-lens for my glasses" for saying his friends showed porn on the univeristy comp. I was quite upset with it I walked away from him and ignored him for the whole day.

For the record, it is porn. An act of sexual intercourse display means it is a pornography material. Number two, why the hell would he keep a copy of this heinous clip and show it to us under the context of "being juries" and "analysing the clip for suspicious trails or clues." What makes him better off than me? As if he wouldn't beat off the clip. Number three, why would you be upset about this? Just because I said your friend showed porn? This is ridiculous!!

I'm through with this person. He's been a nitwit all the time I've known him. I've never been happy talking to him, and he leeches off the gang like a blood-sucking leech. He came to me because we're doing the same course, and he tries to fit in with me because I'm from Ipoh and his mom is around the district, bla bla bla. Then he just feeds off me and everyone by being friendly and a dork at the same time. He isn't competent in his studies, and is shockingly clueless about a lot of the fundamental knowledge in engineering or science. He recites math solutions, writes bad English and worse, is a very cheapskate person. We all have to look to him when we want to go out for meals. The bad part is, his family is well-off compared to all of ours. His mom owns a Porsche, his Dad works in the Philippines and his sister is married to some rich guy and he shows it to us on facebook where his sis would sit on a Merc SLK and drive with it....

He even told me the reason he wanted to study Aerospace is because he can go back and become a pilot for Cathay Pacific.

WTF

I sometimes think I'm too snobbish and try my best to help him as I know I'm an ass to some people sometimes and ask their favor and I get the same reaction. But he's been nothing kind to me and I'm quite fed up with him.

Look, I've just wasted a few hundred brain cells just being upset about this.

And I thought this was a lovely day.