To Hurt Or To Be Hurt

As you may have already noticed, if I ever posted anything on this blog, it would very highly probably be something that I cannot post on my other blog.

I know this is very random and may not be welcomed by regular visitors of this blog but well as KY has bestowed me the right to tarnish this blog, might as well use it to the fullest :P

I'm sure everyone in this world who's lived till my age (21 going to 22 soon, i know i'm old) has either been hurt by someone, or hurt someone before. Or both. And you know what kind of 'hurt' I'm talking about. Not physically but emotionally. Well i'm not talking about super duper it-girls/ it-boys obviously they are too perfect/popular to be hurt by anyone. >(

But I'm talking about normal humans like you and me. Normal humans who need to be loved and are bound to be weak at some point, to make mortal mistakes all the time.

I've never actually shared the story that till now still makes me want to bang my head into a wall and die with the self recognition of being the stupidest human on Earth, during the time the story was taking place. Truth is I'm not the kind of person who will ever admit to having emotional weaknesses. The more I feel weak emotionally, the more I hide it.

But now that everything is over and done with, I look back and realised despite all the frustration, heartache, sadness and anger, i've taken a lot away from it as well and as much has I'd hate to admit it, I've learnt a lot from it.

And the fact that i'm about to share it on a blog which's probably read by mostly peeps I dunno, I can assure myself that it is securely in the past, and shall rest in it.

I came from and grew up in an environment where feminism is highly championed and taught as a way of life. Family inculcated this value in me, school strengthened this belief, and personal experiences/observations fixed this belief in concrete. As a self-proclaimed highly multi-talented female, I did not, for the first 20 years of my life fall for, or even for a second get infatuated in any male before. Simply because i thought I was way above.

Then in my first year of university, one particular guy came into the scene. The first few times I saw him, never even registered his face. Nothing special, nothing impressionable, basically not my type. If you have to know, he's a typical Eastern European (or Southern, dunno their classifications), hence all the body hair, facial hair, intense and fierce features, loud language, huge male ego, basically too neanderthal.

It all started with Facebook. We'd Facebook message each other excessively and flirt extensively. Then it graduated to MSN and calls and SMSes that carried on throughout every minute of the day even when one of us was out of the country. But all the while I still had my guard on. All this while I thought I was the one in control while he was the desperate one with his assertions and actions which at that time was plain obvious that he was into me, (SOrdid details I do not wish to share, sorry.) while I was the one tarik-harga-ing. Reasons were simple, right from day 1 I knew we were very different people, and he's the extreme opposite of what I'd want in a partner- egoistic, selfish, critical, vain, superficial.

But on the grounds that he was a friend and I am not choosy with friends, I allowed him to keep badgering me, and allowed to chance for my heart to go astray.

Then owing to the hateful fact that i was born as the more emotional sex, feelings started to grow and I was starting to be very much affected by the the words that came out of his mouth. I started to do things that I would never ever imagined I'd do for anotehr person. I figured out that was it for me, I was dead. I'd finally got myself caught in the stupid web of emotions. We started arguing a lot and I was tired of having to guess his thoughts and feelings all the time due to his over "friendly" behaviour but never, ever confessions of his feelings.

So finally I asked THE question. Whether he liked me or not as more than a friend.

Answer came out as negative , as you would've expected.

At that point, I felt like the stupidest person on earth for having been used and invested my feelings in something that was NEVER there at the 1st place.

WOrst of all, I felt like I was being strung along all this while and served as only a temporary fill-in for someone's lonely heart while he was still having fun with numerous other females and pining for his ex still. I felt cheated.

In short, I was hurt.

As optimism has always been my one and only solution for most of my numerous troubles in life, I managed to convince myself how much I've learnt from it and I've since then pledged to live a feeling-less year. 1st class is most important! even if it takes being a nerd.

But then as always, God decided to throw a test on me. He threw me someone who's very sweet and lovely but whom I will never ever have feelings for. Someone who requires very delicate handling because of the complicated nature of our relationship. And along with this someone, a few other tests emerged out of nowhere along the way, out of a sudden. Just as I was mending and patching up the little pieces of my poor little delicate heart, these things burst out, unwelcomed. And worst of all, I recognise that all these problems started all because of myself, my casualness towards the boundaries of a friend. And all because of my casualness, I realised I may have been misleading them, as how the previous jerk has been misleading me.

In short, I realised that I am to them as the jerk was to me at that time. But for some reason I feel a considerably larger amount of guilt towards this complicated someone as compared to the otehrs simply because the nature of our relationship prevents blunt rejection. Hence, another day of avoiding blunt confrontation, another day's worth of guilt added to my conscience.

As days go by it became more and more apparent and lucid what was happening in my previous endeavour. ANd I used to spend hours and hours trying to figure out what was happening and wat was going through his head. And now that I think I might finally have a clue, I don't like it.

Truth is, because I was once at the receiving end of being misled, I know how painful it feels like and I do not want to mislead. I feal guilty. I feel bad. i feel horrible. I feel like I'm no different from the jerk.

I do not want to hurt, cause I know how bad it feels like to be hurt. But when there is no other option than to hurt, I suddenly realised how pitiful I must have been in the past endeavour as the one being hurt.

I know this sounds really convoluted and all over the place. And mushy. And i know I've sworn off emo-ness. But why do all these things have to come back to me one after another??
Just leave me alone please.
I just want a peaceful nerd life.
I just want to be alone....