Life goes on

I have a report and an assignment due tomorrow, and yet I decide to blog.

I should really start to prioritize my things. I've been sleeping after 3am for the past few days, struggling with my work. And I haven't done any revision!!!

Life sucks.

Yet life goes on.

I have made it a point to actually be a little smarter in planning my prac sessions next semester, no prac-cramming that will eventually cause me to struggle over the increasing workload. I want to do my own things, have some space to really enjoy my life, as well as step outside of the mundane world Engineering is starting to become.

I find that most engineers have the same problem. We are introverts.

I thought Aussies are supposed to be like super friendly and just go "BOOOYAAA!!!" when you walk across. However, all I see is just meek smiles or sour faces with eyes glued on the computer screen. Seriously, we're doing more work on computers than handwriting these days. It's no wonder most of us have a tendency to wear glasses. I find it rather hard to communicate with them actually, maybe that is because I'm in a group where they just don't speak much? I'm not sure. I hope to widen the scope even further, I'm planning a trip to Sydney and going for gliding next semester, which I really hope will materialize, since two of my friends will be in their final year next year. It's shocking to realize how fast time flies.

I wanted to tell you all that I'm starting to enjoy my life here, regardless of the pay-per-byte internet, the bizzare idea that cricket and aussie football is the craze here, and the horrible drunk locals who just don't know when to stop drinking. I thought I found my solace here months ago.

I was wrong.

Most of you knew what has happened. I shall not touch upon that subject, until I'm ready to.

I'm not going to lie that it has left a huge void in my life, and all the goodwill the city showered upon me just disintergrated. But, I was able to talk to Grace the other day and tell her: "I'm over you." All the pain that I had 3 years ago just dissipated. I'm relieved by it. I had finally let go of my past.

I've come to terms that somehow, God (even though I'm not a very religious person) has other plans for me rather than allowing me to shower my attention on another soul. It's been a topsy turvy year where I see drastic changes among my friends, one who was attached broke up, and patched up again; one moved house and now I get to spend time somewhere in the city while waiting for the next class; another who was just simply the last person you think would end up with someone, got attached and is having a real good time with someone he told me took a year to chase. I deleted someone out of my life, my oldest friend whom I cannot stand anymore. Not to mention the groups of new people I meet almost every month, I feel that my life has finally rooted itself here in Adelaide. I only pray that it gets better.

I myself, am still in square one.

I enjoyed the times we had. Meeting you has been the best thing I had all this year. I never regretted doing all those things for you, I wish it was a little better in terms of appreciation.

It's funny when I thought I've done alot, but eventually it meant nothing to someone. You'll feel gutted and wondered why was it that happened, till the extent, you forgot even my birthday. Speaks volumes on how much I meant to you.

But it's time to move on.

I'm not sure I can go back to where we were. At least I know I can't. I miss you, I still think about you, but it's getting lesser and lesser everyday. The whiff of your scent, the sweet smile on your face, the melodious voice, the warmth you generate, will always be in my mind, just like the memories with Grace.

Only that with Grace, it was a relief that it finally ended.

Waves of regrets I have now for us.

God, I pray to you to give me strength to face life with a smile.

I finally understood why Aussies love to say "No Worries"

Worrying is something I do all the time, and I can't help it.

No worries everyone. Good luck in exams! ^_^

Lastly, I want to share a song that I quite dig these days. It's called "Officially Missing You" by Tamia, rendition by Jayesslee. For those who read from Facebook, my URL is http://yuiyouunderinfluence.blogspot.com and the song can be found under my links.

姐姐今天给我发了《69乐章》的专辑了。虽然是网站下载的，可是恨不得自己出点钱来支持陶师父。

听了《暗恋》自己觉得怎么这么巧，他竟然写了一首涌上自己的心头的歌。

果然是师父，了解了像我这样的人。

没想到，他又有另外一首扣人心弦的歌，叫做《你的歌》

写得很明显，是写给一个人的，很简单，很直接，也很温馨。

陶喆 - 你的歌

喜欢你冷淡的安静

笑容又胜过了太阳 我只能投降

怀疑自己的冲动

怕机会一瞬间错过 决定不再想

你说我们是两个世界的人但 是否可能

我相信只要我爱你

什么都可以 一切都可以

我爱你 爱你没道理

没道理爱你 爱你就可以

就是痴心的 痴心的沉溺

沉溺在爱你 就让我沉溺

无法理解你不说话

我进不到你心里面 像有一道墙

怀疑当初的冲动

是不是开始就是错 许多事没想

你说我们是两个世界的人已 没有可能

我以为只要我爱你

什么都可以 一切都可以

我爱你 爱你没道理

没道理爱你 爱你就可以

就是痴心的 痴心的沉溺

沉溺在爱你 就让我沉溺

或许不爱你 也不需要你

我无法继续 继续骗我自己

必须要放弃 要放弃了你

你在我心底 希望他比我 爱你 爱你

还是你的歌 still your song

有时候真的，自己就是一线之差，却踏不过去，停了下来，被逼回头。

甚至就算回头了，什么也没有了。

才知道，有时候留得青山在不怕没柴烧的意思。

也许不能在一起，做个朋友陪在身边也没那么糟糕。

现在陪不了了，不说话了，不见面了。才知道那些短短的时刻有多么的可贵。

能不能回到过去呢？

我现在想，却不觉得这样可不可能了。

有时候，拥有的一秒钟，也许够了吧。

倒比什么没有好。

好久不见了~

To those reading under the RSS Feed to Facebook, the blog is here at http//:yuiyouunderinfluence.blogspot.com

今天，偶然遇到了一首很特别的歌， 想跟大家分享。

这首歌是自己一直很崇拜的音乐人物，自己自认的是师父的陶喆陶师父的作品，叫做《暗恋》。

希望大家喜欢吧！！ ^_^

听了就会明白。

歌词如下：

Still lonely still loney

　　昨晚又再见到你 你还是那么美丽

　　我紧张到话都不会说 就傻傻看着你

　　渴望永远这距离 就是和你在一起

　　醒来发现这一切都只是我的梦境

　　告诉自己要冷静 却又无法不想你

　　我的懦弱已经开始让我讨厌我自己

　　是你对我有戒心 还是我没有自信

　　可是谁也不能阻止我 我要暗恋你

　　So lonely

　　So here I am standing all alone

　　在某个街头 有个我在这里只为你等候

　　Here I am waiting just for you

　　开放我所有 希望你能了解你能够接受

　　So lonely

　　今晚渴望再见你 虽然只是在梦想

　　短暂的甜蜜也胜过了一辈子没有你

　　就算没快乐结局 就算从此死了心

　　我要付出我所有诚意 只要能感动你

　　我愿意

　　So lonely so here I am standing all alone

　　在某个街头 有个我在这里只为你等候

　　Here I am waiting just for you

　　开放我所有 我要为你怎么做你才接受我（才接受我）

　　我喜欢你（我喜欢你）我要你（我要你）

　　我爱你

　　So here I am standing all alone（standing all alone）

　　在某个街头 有个我在这里只为你等候

　　So here I am waiting just for you

　　开放我所有 希望你能了解你能够接受

　　I‘m lonely

　　故事就说到这里 就算你们再好奇

　　我想说的都已说完了 其余是秘密

　　在那某一个街头 会流传某个旋律

　　那是我在轻轻唱着歌 我多爱你 着你

在这里想要谢谢Ah Kwah给我分享的一首很让人震撼的歌。

自己听了之后，身体不断的发抖。

突然呼吸困难了，眼眶含着泪，却哭不出来。

泪水，已经在很久很久以前为了一个不值得的人流过了，

却不能为一个自己认为是值得期待的一个人掉一滴。

这首歌，是我的心声，希望你听得到。

Food for Thought

I sincerely apologize about the absence as well as the change in layout that caused several of the things I'm supposed to have to be gone from this blog. I'm still working on things based on the feedback from people, but somehow things recently have caused too much trauma for me to do so, maybe just today, I don't know. I'll rectify things as soon as I can.

No, I'm not dead.

It's just that even in the holidays, I find it hard to even do anything for the past three weeks. I had great hopes for it. But somehow nothing is working, and things just seem gloomier as it goes on.

Somehow it's like its a repeat of three years ago. When I made a fool out of myself over someone who isn't worth it. I argued and tried to see the good in her, wishing that she might even change for the better, willing to even accept whatever defects she had, and loved them all the same. How silly it was, because she was inconsistent, and would never have matched my expectations, she wasn't what I wanted, and I realized it last year and stopped caring after that. I promised myself I would wait and wait for someone worth my time.

I find it very amusing that people sometimes take me word for word, and that my words are more of a fact than a statement. But there are times that I would tell a white lie, and say it just for the fun of it. Sometimes I say it as a test of character, sometimes I say it because the timing isn't right at all.

I told myself I had to be patient if I had to go through this again, but saying it is hardly easier than done. While looking at the rows of online people on the right hand screen of my Messenger, I noticed that the people who I can actually seek solace from are hardly there. Maybe Bryan's right, I do lack people of that standard, maybe I am that unpopular, and my friends are hardly there for me, even I'm always behind them. But even if I do so, I mustn't automatically expect them to return my favour. Sometimes people just take you for granted. Just like this person did, probably.

It's not the 1st time I've been through this, but every time when a person does this to me, it's like taking a part of me away from me, and I feel less and less of a person I am previously. I became more and more skeptical towards people, always suspecting their motives and question their intent. Then the next person after this bears the brunt of my past, and it goes on and on, until I wonder how much more humane I would have left at the end of it. How much can I take? How long will that take to reach there?

Two weeks ago I was sitting in her apartment, returning from a trip to Woolies, and being served with wine-soaked glutinous rice balls, and some leftovers from her fridge. She kept apologizing for being such a bad host, but everything tasted wonderful all the same. We sat and played and talked all evening together and everything seemed wonderful and well. I was looking at someone I might consider, seriously.

A week later we were talking about Hahnndorf and it's delicacy and we somehow agreed that we might go to the Harvest Festival of Barossa Valley next year. I made plans and even made notes about what I should do or plan to keep things together in preperation for next semester, probably a step forward.

This week I hear chilliness of words, denials for affection, and sometimes silence.

All of this, in a matter of weeks. And I haven't even confessed.

Doesn't that sound familiar?

I do not blame her or anyone. I just noticed that this is always the case with me, from good friends to very close friends and then just when you thought that you might just step it up and make something out of it, it just snaps and you end up with nothing.

I find that today I lack the strength to even say anything. I was considering inviting her to Minarto or Murray River with the gang and somehow try to include her with a lot of things, but I just stopped from asking when she was busy with her enrolment. The idea of her being anxious to focus on studies just send cold ripples over my over-enthusiastic nature and I subdued myself into silence. I just don't know what to do anymore.

She probably has a different idea on how friends work and I probably misinterpreted her ways in a way I shouldn't have. Nothing I do pleases her anymore, I just felt the lack of encouragement rather sapping and my morale just went downhill. Now, even at the sight of having a chance, I just felt like backing off.

I know very well from the start, that I could and would sacrifice everything, and even once mentioned putting down her just to get through this semester. God sure knows how to work in mysterious ways, and I felt that I somehow exchanged something worth as much at the other for something that is equally important. I cannot complain, for if I didn't do well, she wouldn't even be considered. I know that now I can consider, but will she consider me?

I don't know you ever read this. But I just felt like saying, you are the light that shines through the gloom that casts over me. And having you further away is like taking away the very warmth that I only have at this cold and dry place. I miss everything we once had and I wish things weren't considered in such a complex manner. I always felt like I'm the only person who is trying to work things out, but I really wonder how much emphasis do you put on us as well? Do you even care or appreciate the things I once did? Or was it just a matter of convenience? I need to know, for I know that not knowing is just going to prolong my pain. Probably I should've said it when I had the chance. But I felt the fear of losing you too much to bear that I would rather wait and keep you as a friend than to have you avoid me. I care too much and think too much now to do anything, and I just hope that you could just let me know where and what we should do now, or I should just walk away and leave a part of me behind.

I know I won't be any kinder than I once was now. I hope you could prove me wrong.

M.U.I:Me Under Influence

Friends.

I was never a person who believes in divinity. I believed that Man is his own Master and that religion is the most powerful psychological weapon the world has ever had. It binds people from all races and places into a single banner. A banner of God, and what I may say is sacrilegious, nonetheless, that is how I feel.

Today I felt the need for divinity to be with me, to give me strength to overcome things that have and will come my way. I wish it was true, and I noticed the need to have a greater power over me.

I felt the need too, to have someone beside me, to be with me even the last second I exist. Because normally, I feel lonely in this world that I exist in. I noticed the need to have company, the need to coexist.

The need, to have friends.

I felt thankful today that one of my oldest friends came back to me at the moment that I needed someone the most today, and gave me the courage to stand against the tide. I felt that my walls are about to crumble under the anguish and sorrow of not being able to change what is there, and he saved me from it. For that, I thank you.

I do not feel comfortable about telling this, but I have been debating online for the past 3 months with another person who deemed himself worthy to discuss the nation’s policies. He fashioned himself a blog and made several comments which were in a way, twisted in my point of view about the country as a whole. He glorified the oppressors, and sneered at the fighters. He brushed aside dissenters, and welcomed supporters. All was well, until I came.

I came and gave him a piece of my mind (hint noted for the title of his blog, for I do not wish to be linked to his from mine). I fashioned an anonymous name and fought in the dark. I exulted in the battles we fought in which I have successfully defended my case against his and made him somehow curious who this person was. Even to the extent of branding those who support the opposition are only able to defame, intimidate and affirm the writer of his writings. I myself apprehended a few of them for calling him what I myself hated the most, a pendatang (which means an immigrant). Those who were on my side hit back at me, calling me names, I was hurt. But I refused to back down. And took the middle road and focused on debating solid facts with the writer. I was happy when he started to respond in a kinder manner, and was willing to listen to my feedbacks. Until today.

He came in a whirl and slammed me for disagreeing with every single thing he wrote. I cannot blame him, as we have a contrasting view on how the nation should be run. And he went on to attack the very fundamentals of my points, that race-based politics should be abolished in order to truly realize 1Malaysia. He argued that it is unlikely to do so and it is very relevant and I should just accept it. He went on to accuse me of spinning the facts which I have shown him and he has branded me an Opposition supporter, which I am as they champion my ideals, but I may choose again as they do not. I was hurt when he tried to brand me as the very fanatical members he had labeled who had hurt me as well. I felt that I was attacked not because my points were poor, but I was not agreeing to him.

For that I do not know what more I could do save ignore him, but I replied to him and you may read them, if he dares to publish it. He has deleted some of it before, and I have made the cbox beside it my outlet. I fear he may remove that as well.

But somehow I didn’t know about that until my friend told me about it as I was discussing about the blog I read. And I never felt tired than before.

I’m so tired of politics that I wish it didn’t exist. I wish I could just run away and let my country rot and fall into ruin. I wish I was really an immigrant who could just walk away and laugh at it when it falls. But I couldn’t. We are sons and daughters of the land as well, what makes them have more rights than us over it? Shouldn’t everyone be entitled to equal rights? Isn’t that form of oppression they conceived a form of Apartheid as well?

Then again I question myself. I remember Lelouch vi Brittania of Code Geass, which surprisingly as an anime gave me an inquisition over my views. His father Charles is a leader of a nation that is based upon the Social Darwinism. To kill or be killed, to compete, to survive and only the survival of the fittest shall be fit to rule. Lelouch questions the tradition in which his sister Nunnally is one of those who won’t survive the onslaught should it happen to her, and that why aren’t the weak be sheltered as well? But, the Holy Brittanian Empire was successful due to this concept, and those who were ruthless and strong ruled well. While its competitors, like the E.U. were weak as they exercised democracy and the people only obey the popular view. This makes me wonder that is the country headed the right way? That the survival of the fittest is the way to rule? It certainly is in the animal kingdom. Should we adhere ourselves to compete and overwhelm each other, regardless of the strong and the weak so that we are able to succeed?

Then again, Lelouch fought against such ideals and sacrificed himself in order to create a world in which his sister would be able to survive in. Along the way he betrayed everyone, even his sister at the end in order to focus all hate towards him and with his death, all hatred would vanish and the world could rebuild itself. I wish it was that easy in life.

Same as something happened to me several weeks ago over a friend of mine. I made a simple remark in which happened to involve his girlfriend and the remark somehow annoyed him. Immediately as a response he harassed me in one of the applications as well as called me a person that no one likes to talk to, that I have no friends. All because of a girl, he was willing to forego a friendship over hard times.

Then again I question myself, do I really have that few friends? How many of them are actually my friends rather than ‘friends’? This happened to me months ago when another girl out of a sudden called me an insignificant friend. I started to ask myself whether I have problems in which people are not willing to really befriend me? Do I seem problematic as Bryan claims me to be? Does anyone secretly hate me and want nothing more than destroy me if offered the chance to do so?

If having friends is that hard of a thing, then what about love? I have just recently found out that one of my friends actually liked me two years ago and I didn’t notice that from her. But nothing’s going to happen since she has since moved on and attached herself. I never said I didn’t considered her, but at the period of time I was badly hurt by another person I thought had great potential and looked like a missing part of me. I felt sorry now that the girl who liked me had to listen to hours of me telling how hurt I was by another girl while she harboured feelings for me. Doesn’t that feel familiar on my side? I didn’t like it, how would she? I felt that I have done more wrongs than right, and if that is so, can I be truly considered right?

Unlike what my other friends who claim that I was a self-righteous person. I often question myself over the things I’ve done. I was inspired by Barack Obama whom against all odds became what may be the most inspiring person I have ever seen in real life, as we speak. He had shown me that change is possible within every one of us and it is our choice to decide whether we wanted the change, or not. I was inspired by his speeches, the way he approached conflicting issues between the Middle East and the West, birth control and abortion, peace and war. He showed me that if there is a will, there is a way. But I am far from him, as he is a Law Graduate from Harvard University, while I am struggling over a repeat semester at a programme which has not confirmed my place at the university yet. He is the POTUS (President of the United States) while I am a 21 year old who has nothing but trouble all over his hands and yet seeks out more trouble by stirring the hornet’s nest full of BN supporters.

My friend told me that what I wrote was equivalent to his lecturers in university, and we have an Obama within each of us, that we can make a difference, and change the world, no matter who we are. I thank him for this. For without those words, tonight would’ve been a long night for me. I pray hard that tomorrow a better day arrives in which the world slowly but surely moves in a path where our efforts do not go in vain.

I pray that I will be there to see it.

I wish those who said those words to me could’ve taken it back. I value my friends so much that I try not to have so many so that I can take care of each and every one of them. I weep for those who have left me, for I have not without effort tried to keep them with me.

I pray that the writer would see fault in his words and debate in a civil way rather than the manner he does today. I know I cannot please everyone in this world, but I try to please most of us.

I pray that God, take what may be taken from me, and grant me a future. I am an ambitious man, and I want to leave a name in the annals of history before the end. If not, I have failed my life.

I thank you again, Windmaster Hiroaki for you support. You have been my stauch defender, my critic and my companion for 14 years. I wish there is more for us.

Swot Vac

Short Comment:

Swot Vac (Study Without Teaching Vacation) is one week away. Means exams is close. Must work harder.

This is a matter of life and death. I must pass every single subject. No prisoners. No mercy.

Wish me luck everyone. ^_^

Until then, I better do something annoying just to keep the edge off. :p

TEN HOWS:

How did you get one of your scars?

*Looks at own face* Being impatient with acne, itchy hands.

How did you celebrate your last birthday?

My 1st real Birthday Party at Kbox(Not the one in Ipoh lah) We sang until 3am, half drunk.

How are you feeling at this moment?

Cold. Warm now since the heater is on. Having severe nose blockage due to the weather.

How did your night go last night?

What was last night...erm...waiting for nothing to happen.

How did you do in high school?

How did I do? I was regarded as a living deity in school. Need I say more? I was also quite well-known among teachers, active as a Librarian, STCL Lab Assistant, STELS Secretary, Debater, Choir Club Discipline Master, Taekwondo Club Member, Magazine Editorial Board Member, etc. I sound like a very very pompous piece of @$$

How did you get the shirt you're wearing?

Cheap sale at Jay Jays. Keeps me warm.

How much money did you spend last month?

1k. Overspent on trips to Hahndorf and Barossa.

How old do you want to be when you get married?

Not concerned. When the time is right, with the right person, right place.

How old will you be at your next birthday?

22. Coming very soon.

NINE WHAT'S:

Your mothers name?

Limbu Rock :p

What did you do last weekend?

Nothing! No la, did assignments, watched E.U. and chatted online.

What is the most important part of your life?

Friends and Family, and my studies.

What would you rather be doing?

Playing Diablo 3, Empire: Total War or Learning haute cuisine from top chefs.

What did you last cry over?
Getting insulted for trying to debate with people who fail to understand the need to be courteous with the opposition. Being rude just proves them right that we argue with no substance.

What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?

Huge cup of Coffee, Rainy day and slow music like FF7's Cloud Smiles. Alternatively, a smile and a hug from someone who I like and likes me too.

What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?

Compatability. I'm really concerned about matching or at least a certain level of matching personalities or else things won't work at all.

What are you worried about?

Worried about the coming exams. It's a do or die thing, and I don't think I'd make the cut.

What did you have for breakfast?

A Whopper value meal at Hungry Jacks.


EIGHT HAVE YOUS:

Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?

Yes. But I would never ever think of breaking them up.

Have you ever had your heartbroken?

Yes. By someone who now haunts me all over the place.

Have you ever been out of the country?

I'm out of the country now. =.=

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?

Yes. Every other day. But none as dumb as pining for someone who isn't worth it at all.

Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?

Yes. But I've forgiven him, it's not worth it to hate someone forever. Just be careful and not to trust him/her with anything.

Have you ever had sex on the beach?

No. But I'd love to, on a deserted one.

Have you ever dated someone younger than you?

No.

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?

Yes. I do it all the time. But not now. I wish I had the time.

SEVEN WHOS:

Who was the last person you saw?

The sick weirdo in my hostel. I personally am disgusted with him with his weird actions. Wished he would just move out.

Who was the last person you texted?

I can't remember, it was Ferlis or Mike.

Who was the last person you hungout with?

Wilson, Jeremy, Alex and Chong. We had dinner at Ming's.

Who was the last person to call you?

Ferlis =.=

Who did you last hug?

My pillow :p

Who is the last person who texted you?

Again, Ferlis or Mike.

Who was the last person you said "i love you" to?

Haha! Someone. Serious. Not.Going.To.Tell :p In a joking/serious way.

SIX WHERES:

Where do your best friends live?

Malaysia. Though some of them are scattered from the country.

Where did you last go?

Ming's restaurant for dinner. Wished I had steamboat.

Where did you last hang out?

Mike's place, Unilodge. Watching him play Ping Pong.

Where do you go to school?

My University lah!

Where is your favorite place to be?

Currently? Maths Learning Service at Level 1 Schulz Building. Apparently 3 hours there is equivalent to the whole weekend doing assignments.

Where did you sleep last night?

My bed lah.

FIVE DOS/DOES:

Do you like someone right now?

Yes. So Not.Going.To.Tell.

Do you think anyone likes you?

Not too sure. I suspect, but I always overreact to things.

Do you ever wish you were someone else?

Yes. I am really impressed with Barack Obama now. He's a man I look up to right now.

Do you know the muffin man?

Nope. Doesn't ring a bell. I know a Muffy the Mufflehead though.

Does the future scare you?

Yes. I'm fighting for it in a matter of weeks.

FOUR WHYS:

Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)?

They accept me for who I am, and not what I have. We agree to disagree, and we enjoy each other's company.

Why did you get a myspace?

I had an account. I failed to use it.

Why did your parents give you the name you have?

Ok, not many people know about this. They think it was a practical joke. Goh is my surname, so nothing can be done there. Kwok is because of my father's side where all my male cousins share the same 1st name as mine, just like my Dad's siblings with his. Yui is because my mom brought me to someone called Mak Seng Loong (something like that) who made an analysis and decided the supposed name I should have is not beneficial to me and gave me another one, which is a seemingly feminine name. It was not until long before I realized the name was used more on girls than guys. FML

Why are you doing this survey?

Curious. I do things at the spur of a moment. Probably procrasinating from algebra as well.

THREE IFS:

If you could have one super power what would it be?

Tissue regeneration. Similiar to Wolverine's as I hate injuring myself and longevity.

If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?

Yes. Either stop me from picking my acne, or learn how to play the piano.

If you were stranded on a deserted island & could bring 1 thing what would you bring?

A Lamp with a Genie that would grant me 3 wishes.

TWO WOULD-YOU-EVERS:

Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you out?

No. Maybe I would just to get back at her.

Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?

Good reason to do so. I've always been curious how I would look bald.

ONE LAST QUESTION

Are you happy now?

Nope. I'll be happy once I know I passed my exams.

Remeniscience

Side note: I'm writing this in the midst of an overdue assignment. The algebra is killing me. Someone tell me that conics is the hardest part of this subject. I can't bear to face another crazier thing than that!

I'm trying to compile a post on Amalfi's soon. But not any time soon.

I wanted to type this in Chinese because I felt it was more appropriate with the theme. But the lab computers are in English, dang.

They say, that autumn is a time for reminiscience. I guess it's hard not to be reminded of the old times whenever you see browning leaves fall from the trees, depicting that time has passed and things die and regrow as Spring thaws the chillness of Winterl I used to think I was an autumn person. But I found Spring more pleasant and cooling and cheerful, minus the rain. Yesterday night, a peculiar dream came to me and I felt it was so true that I had a hard time waking up.

I imagined myself back in Form 6, and somehow in charge of small booklet regarding my class, the life in Form 6 as a whole. In the team with me were my monitor Andrew, Jia-Ee, myself and her. That was what I imagined. Now, I know I'm not supposed to mention her again, but she came to my mind yesterday night. I was living my past once again.

I had faint views of what I did, but I remember she begged me to help her resize the articles she posted, and all I did was to give reasons and rejected helping her and told her not to rely on me. There was no Wei Li, no unpleasant people in my class, I was being cold to her like what I'm used to do now. She seemed resiggned and somehow mentioned that is what I am right now to her.

I also recalled having a lot to do with adding details, and even recall someone in my class writing about her regrets: "Not to be naive and give yourself to someone blindly" I guess some people know who I was mentioning it was a black page with a heart and those words. Simple but I remember stopping at the moment after compiling it with Andrew. Saying that we have more to do and that what we did today was good progress. Then, I woke up, tired.

Pondering all my way to class, I felt an urge to call someone and talk to them about my dream, but the more I thought about how preposterous it was, the more reluctant I wanted to call anyone. I recall swearing to Terence if I ever think about her again, he could punch me. I guess I'm nothing more than him thinking about his cheating girlfriend. What right do I have to lecture him of who should and shouldn't he like?

She still haunts me, but I have no feelings for her, not anymore. Instead, the immidiate response I had was to think about people who cared about me, I wish they were here now. Someone I had called every time I had problems with her. But that person is too far away now, with a boyfriend, a tough course, and my phone bills have warned me to show restraint. Not even my most avid reader, was around on MSN or FB to talk to. Where are you?

Then I thought about another person. Someone new in my life. We knew each other for more than a year now, and I've observed her for a very very long time. We always kept in touch whenever we can and we seemed to click on naturally. I would always be the person teasing her and trying to make her pissed, while I giggle in glee as she looked adorable with that pouting face. We shared a lot of things, I think I know more of her than her most avid suitors.

She always complains to me about how irritating those people around her who are now aware that she has just gone single, and have made great lengths to pursue her hand. One even waited for her two hours past midnight just to give her her birthday present, he would even come frequently to her apartment and try to accompany her, but she thinks it's unnerving and giving her a headaches. When she told him she wanted him to stay away from her for a month. He immidiately set an alarm "1/31" for himself, I think it's "4/31" now. It creeps her.

Deja vu? Somebody used to have such problems.

On the other hand, I only brought her to Cocolat just because she mentioned she would love to have a cake and a candle on top of it for her 21st birthday. (I was like hey, you're 21, it's a big eal right?) It's been a long time since I have gone great lengths to do something nice to someone.

From what I sound, I have a fondness for her. I do not deny this. There were times we talk as if we are in the gray zone and one second I would snap her out of it and tell her to dream on as if I would want her. it would piss her off and once she even called to yell at me for fooling around with her and demanded answers. I just kept pushing and pushing her away, knowing that on the other hand, it was the other way inside. She seemed right sometimes, she seemed not right sometimes. I don't know, I'm confused.

She's from a different country, a different culture, and a different background. I don't really find that hard but I recall my mother being somehow objective to her countrymen, calling them cheats and swindlers and I have great doubts how keen my mom would be having the prospect of me being with her. I know I shouldn't, I shouldn't even write this since it isn't constructive and good for myself as a whole, especially now my priority is my studies, and nothing but my studies. Thus another problem roots itself out and I find myself having more commitments than I thought I have. But Mom, please understand, if I don't get this out of my system, I never would and in turn it affects my studies. It's like extracting pus out of a pimple.

I sound like its a one-sided affair like I used to have. But I wondered why she has this strong notion of always trying to please me. I once mentioned that she dresses to shabbily. Remember the Cocolat issue? She changed massively and looked more in style than she used to, and demanded if I was pleased with how she looked now. (Actually I said, hmm, not too bad. As always, she flipped mad :p) She would also always complain why I have a bad outlook on her, as she thinks she is a very very nice companion. Then I would criticize her again and again until she throws a tauntrum and sigh, another round of comforting occurs. It has always been like that for the past one year, in the midst of her being with another person, and while she was recuperating from the break-up.

Two weeks ago, she came over and made me help her with her assignment on writing. It was very embarassing since my friend was around and I was dotA-ing with him. She would then sit beside me and wave her hand, distract me as much as she could, well causing us to lose. I would then help her with everything until she was happy enough to leave me alone, and sitting beside me the whole afternoon. I think it was hard not to presume anything that afternoon, as our plays became live and my friend had a full view on how I talked to her, he even quipped during dinner how suspicious we look, while I had to buy him dinner to shut him up. Sigh. He did mention we complement each other well though, and our conversations were amusing. Hahaha. Not a good sign.

What does it have to do with my dream? Last night was once where we talked short and she was busy with her work. She sounded mysterious and busy and didn't say much with everything we used to talk about. I went to bed early unsatied, feeling on the other side of where I was. The dream came as if to remind me where I was before, and how far I've come after 3 years of getting up. Is it worth it to go into it once more, in the midst of a critical moment? Even if I did, would it be welcomed? Or would it cause more trouble as before like all her past relationships where the men fell badly and somehow, it made her look bad. But that is all my excessive opinions, which is not fair to her at all.

I guess I have to leave it to her that she will have a month to deal with her stalking admirer and leave it to me to really make it through, maybe then, I might reconsider my situation.

Till then, I am at a standout.


Now, I really feel like doing my Algebra, die Conics sections!!