M.U.I:Me Under Influence

Friends.

I was never a person who believes in divinity. I believed that Man is his own Master and that religion is the most powerful psychological weapon the world has ever had. It binds people from all races and places into a single banner. A banner of God, and what I may say is sacrilegious, nonetheless, that is how I feel.

Today I felt the need for divinity to be with me, to give me strength to overcome things that have and will come my way. I wish it was true, and I noticed the need to have a greater power over me.

I felt the need too, to have someone beside me, to be with me even the last second I exist. Because normally, I feel lonely in this world that I exist in. I noticed the need to have company, the need to coexist.

The need, to have friends.

I felt thankful today that one of my oldest friends came back to me at the moment that I needed someone the most today, and gave me the courage to stand against the tide. I felt that my walls are about to crumble under the anguish and sorrow of not being able to change what is there, and he saved me from it. For that, I thank you.

I do not feel comfortable about telling this, but I have been debating online for the past 3 months with another person who deemed himself worthy to discuss the nation’s policies. He fashioned himself a blog and made several comments which were in a way, twisted in my point of view about the country as a whole. He glorified the oppressors, and sneered at the fighters. He brushed aside dissenters, and welcomed supporters. All was well, until I came.

I came and gave him a piece of my mind (hint noted for the title of his blog, for I do not wish to be linked to his from mine). I fashioned an anonymous name and fought in the dark. I exulted in the battles we fought in which I have successfully defended my case against his and made him somehow curious who this person was. Even to the extent of branding those who support the opposition are only able to defame, intimidate and affirm the writer of his writings. I myself apprehended a few of them for calling him what I myself hated the most, a pendatang (which means an immigrant). Those who were on my side hit back at me, calling me names, I was hurt. But I refused to back down. And took the middle road and focused on debating solid facts with the writer. I was happy when he started to respond in a kinder manner, and was willing to listen to my feedbacks. Until today.

He came in a whirl and slammed me for disagreeing with every single thing he wrote. I cannot blame him, as we have a contrasting view on how the nation should be run. And he went on to attack the very fundamentals of my points, that race-based politics should be abolished in order to truly realize 1Malaysia. He argued that it is unlikely to do so and it is very relevant and I should just accept it. He went on to accuse me of spinning the facts which I have shown him and he has branded me an Opposition supporter, which I am as they champion my ideals, but I may choose again as they do not. I was hurt when he tried to brand me as the very fanatical members he had labeled who had hurt me as well. I felt that I was attacked not because my points were poor, but I was not agreeing to him.

For that I do not know what more I could do save ignore him, but I replied to him and you may read them, if he dares to publish it. He has deleted some of it before, and I have made the cbox beside it my outlet. I fear he may remove that as well.

But somehow I didn’t know about that until my friend told me about it as I was discussing about the blog I read. And I never felt tired than before.

I’m so tired of politics that I wish it didn’t exist. I wish I could just run away and let my country rot and fall into ruin. I wish I was really an immigrant who could just walk away and laugh at it when it falls. But I couldn’t. We are sons and daughters of the land as well, what makes them have more rights than us over it? Shouldn’t everyone be entitled to equal rights? Isn’t that form of oppression they conceived a form of Apartheid as well?

Then again I question myself. I remember Lelouch vi Brittania of Code Geass, which surprisingly as an anime gave me an inquisition over my views. His father Charles is a leader of a nation that is based upon the Social Darwinism. To kill or be killed, to compete, to survive and only the survival of the fittest shall be fit to rule. Lelouch questions the tradition in which his sister Nunnally is one of those who won’t survive the onslaught should it happen to her, and that why aren’t the weak be sheltered as well? But, the Holy Brittanian Empire was successful due to this concept, and those who were ruthless and strong ruled well. While its competitors, like the E.U. were weak as they exercised democracy and the people only obey the popular view. This makes me wonder that is the country headed the right way? That the survival of the fittest is the way to rule? It certainly is in the animal kingdom. Should we adhere ourselves to compete and overwhelm each other, regardless of the strong and the weak so that we are able to succeed?

Then again, Lelouch fought against such ideals and sacrificed himself in order to create a world in which his sister would be able to survive in. Along the way he betrayed everyone, even his sister at the end in order to focus all hate towards him and with his death, all hatred would vanish and the world could rebuild itself. I wish it was that easy in life.

Same as something happened to me several weeks ago over a friend of mine. I made a simple remark in which happened to involve his girlfriend and the remark somehow annoyed him. Immediately as a response he harassed me in one of the applications as well as called me a person that no one likes to talk to, that I have no friends. All because of a girl, he was willing to forego a friendship over hard times.

Then again I question myself, do I really have that few friends? How many of them are actually my friends rather than ‘friends’? This happened to me months ago when another girl out of a sudden called me an insignificant friend. I started to ask myself whether I have problems in which people are not willing to really befriend me? Do I seem problematic as Bryan claims me to be? Does anyone secretly hate me and want nothing more than destroy me if offered the chance to do so?

If having friends is that hard of a thing, then what about love? I have just recently found out that one of my friends actually liked me two years ago and I didn’t notice that from her. But nothing’s going to happen since she has since moved on and attached herself. I never said I didn’t considered her, but at the period of time I was badly hurt by another person I thought had great potential and looked like a missing part of me. I felt sorry now that the girl who liked me had to listen to hours of me telling how hurt I was by another girl while she harboured feelings for me. Doesn’t that feel familiar on my side? I didn’t like it, how would she? I felt that I have done more wrongs than right, and if that is so, can I be truly considered right?

Unlike what my other friends who claim that I was a self-righteous person. I often question myself over the things I’ve done. I was inspired by Barack Obama whom against all odds became what may be the most inspiring person I have ever seen in real life, as we speak. He had shown me that change is possible within every one of us and it is our choice to decide whether we wanted the change, or not. I was inspired by his speeches, the way he approached conflicting issues between the Middle East and the West, birth control and abortion, peace and war. He showed me that if there is a will, there is a way. But I am far from him, as he is a Law Graduate from Harvard University, while I am struggling over a repeat semester at a programme which has not confirmed my place at the university yet. He is the POTUS (President of the United States) while I am a 21 year old who has nothing but trouble all over his hands and yet seeks out more trouble by stirring the hornet’s nest full of BN supporters.

My friend told me that what I wrote was equivalent to his lecturers in university, and we have an Obama within each of us, that we can make a difference, and change the world, no matter who we are. I thank him for this. For without those words, tonight would’ve been a long night for me. I pray hard that tomorrow a better day arrives in which the world slowly but surely moves in a path where our efforts do not go in vain.

I pray that I will be there to see it.

I wish those who said those words to me could’ve taken it back. I value my friends so much that I try not to have so many so that I can take care of each and every one of them. I weep for those who have left me, for I have not without effort tried to keep them with me.

I pray that the writer would see fault in his words and debate in a civil way rather than the manner he does today. I know I cannot please everyone in this world, but I try to please most of us.

I pray that God, take what may be taken from me, and grant me a future. I am an ambitious man, and I want to leave a name in the annals of history before the end. If not, I have failed my life.

I thank you again, Windmaster Hiroaki for you support. You have been my stauch defender, my critic and my companion for 14 years. I wish there is more for us.

Swot Vac

Short Comment:

Swot Vac (Study Without Teaching Vacation) is one week away. Means exams is close. Must work harder.

This is a matter of life and death. I must pass every single subject. No prisoners. No mercy.

Wish me luck everyone. ^_^

Until then, I better do something annoying just to keep the edge off. :p

TEN HOWS:

How did you get one of your scars?

*Looks at own face* Being impatient with acne, itchy hands.

How did you celebrate your last birthday?

My 1st real Birthday Party at Kbox(Not the one in Ipoh lah) We sang until 3am, half drunk.

How are you feeling at this moment?

Cold. Warm now since the heater is on. Having severe nose blockage due to the weather.

How did your night go last night?

What was last night...erm...waiting for nothing to happen.

How did you do in high school?

How did I do? I was regarded as a living deity in school. Need I say more? I was also quite well-known among teachers, active as a Librarian, STCL Lab Assistant, STELS Secretary, Debater, Choir Club Discipline Master, Taekwondo Club Member, Magazine Editorial Board Member, etc. I sound like a very very pompous piece of @$$

How did you get the shirt you're wearing?

Cheap sale at Jay Jays. Keeps me warm.

How much money did you spend last month?

1k. Overspent on trips to Hahndorf and Barossa.

How old do you want to be when you get married?

Not concerned. When the time is right, with the right person, right place.

How old will you be at your next birthday?

22. Coming very soon.

NINE WHAT'S:

Your mothers name?

Limbu Rock :p

What did you do last weekend?

Nothing! No la, did assignments, watched E.U. and chatted online.

What is the most important part of your life?

Friends and Family, and my studies.

What would you rather be doing?

Playing Diablo 3, Empire: Total War or Learning haute cuisine from top chefs.

What did you last cry over?
Getting insulted for trying to debate with people who fail to understand the need to be courteous with the opposition. Being rude just proves them right that we argue with no substance.

What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?

Huge cup of Coffee, Rainy day and slow music like FF7's Cloud Smiles. Alternatively, a smile and a hug from someone who I like and likes me too.

What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?

Compatability. I'm really concerned about matching or at least a certain level of matching personalities or else things won't work at all.

What are you worried about?

Worried about the coming exams. It's a do or die thing, and I don't think I'd make the cut.

What did you have for breakfast?

A Whopper value meal at Hungry Jacks.


EIGHT HAVE YOUS:

Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?

Yes. But I would never ever think of breaking them up.

Have you ever had your heartbroken?

Yes. By someone who now haunts me all over the place.

Have you ever been out of the country?

I'm out of the country now. =.=

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?

Yes. Every other day. But none as dumb as pining for someone who isn't worth it at all.

Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?

Yes. But I've forgiven him, it's not worth it to hate someone forever. Just be careful and not to trust him/her with anything.

Have you ever had sex on the beach?

No. But I'd love to, on a deserted one.

Have you ever dated someone younger than you?

No.

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?

Yes. I do it all the time. But not now. I wish I had the time.

SEVEN WHOS:

Who was the last person you saw?

The sick weirdo in my hostel. I personally am disgusted with him with his weird actions. Wished he would just move out.

Who was the last person you texted?

I can't remember, it was Ferlis or Mike.

Who was the last person you hungout with?

Wilson, Jeremy, Alex and Chong. We had dinner at Ming's.

Who was the last person to call you?

Ferlis =.=

Who did you last hug?

My pillow :p

Who is the last person who texted you?

Again, Ferlis or Mike.

Who was the last person you said "i love you" to?

Haha! Someone. Serious. Not.Going.To.Tell :p In a joking/serious way.

SIX WHERES:

Where do your best friends live?

Malaysia. Though some of them are scattered from the country.

Where did you last go?

Ming's restaurant for dinner. Wished I had steamboat.

Where did you last hang out?

Mike's place, Unilodge. Watching him play Ping Pong.

Where do you go to school?

My University lah!

Where is your favorite place to be?

Currently? Maths Learning Service at Level 1 Schulz Building. Apparently 3 hours there is equivalent to the whole weekend doing assignments.

Where did you sleep last night?

My bed lah.

FIVE DOS/DOES:

Do you like someone right now?

Yes. So Not.Going.To.Tell.

Do you think anyone likes you?

Not too sure. I suspect, but I always overreact to things.

Do you ever wish you were someone else?

Yes. I am really impressed with Barack Obama now. He's a man I look up to right now.

Do you know the muffin man?

Nope. Doesn't ring a bell. I know a Muffy the Mufflehead though.

Does the future scare you?

Yes. I'm fighting for it in a matter of weeks.

FOUR WHYS:

Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)?

They accept me for who I am, and not what I have. We agree to disagree, and we enjoy each other's company.

Why did you get a myspace?

I had an account. I failed to use it.

Why did your parents give you the name you have?

Ok, not many people know about this. They think it was a practical joke. Goh is my surname, so nothing can be done there. Kwok is because of my father's side where all my male cousins share the same 1st name as mine, just like my Dad's siblings with his. Yui is because my mom brought me to someone called Mak Seng Loong (something like that) who made an analysis and decided the supposed name I should have is not beneficial to me and gave me another one, which is a seemingly feminine name. It was not until long before I realized the name was used more on girls than guys. FML

Why are you doing this survey?

Curious. I do things at the spur of a moment. Probably procrasinating from algebra as well.

THREE IFS:

If you could have one super power what would it be?

Tissue regeneration. Similiar to Wolverine's as I hate injuring myself and longevity.

If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?

Yes. Either stop me from picking my acne, or learn how to play the piano.

If you were stranded on a deserted island & could bring 1 thing what would you bring?

A Lamp with a Genie that would grant me 3 wishes.

TWO WOULD-YOU-EVERS:

Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you out?

No. Maybe I would just to get back at her.

Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?

Good reason to do so. I've always been curious how I would look bald.

ONE LAST QUESTION

Are you happy now?

Nope. I'll be happy once I know I passed my exams.

Remeniscience

Side note: I'm writing this in the midst of an overdue assignment. The algebra is killing me. Someone tell me that conics is the hardest part of this subject. I can't bear to face another crazier thing than that!

I'm trying to compile a post on Amalfi's soon. But not any time soon.

I wanted to type this in Chinese because I felt it was more appropriate with the theme. But the lab computers are in English, dang.

They say, that autumn is a time for reminiscience. I guess it's hard not to be reminded of the old times whenever you see browning leaves fall from the trees, depicting that time has passed and things die and regrow as Spring thaws the chillness of Winterl I used to think I was an autumn person. But I found Spring more pleasant and cooling and cheerful, minus the rain. Yesterday night, a peculiar dream came to me and I felt it was so true that I had a hard time waking up.

I imagined myself back in Form 6, and somehow in charge of small booklet regarding my class, the life in Form 6 as a whole. In the team with me were my monitor Andrew, Jia-Ee, myself and her. That was what I imagined. Now, I know I'm not supposed to mention her again, but she came to my mind yesterday night. I was living my past once again.

I had faint views of what I did, but I remember she begged me to help her resize the articles she posted, and all I did was to give reasons and rejected helping her and told her not to rely on me. There was no Wei Li, no unpleasant people in my class, I was being cold to her like what I'm used to do now. She seemed resiggned and somehow mentioned that is what I am right now to her.

I also recalled having a lot to do with adding details, and even recall someone in my class writing about her regrets: "Not to be naive and give yourself to someone blindly" I guess some people know who I was mentioning it was a black page with a heart and those words. Simple but I remember stopping at the moment after compiling it with Andrew. Saying that we have more to do and that what we did today was good progress. Then, I woke up, tired.

Pondering all my way to class, I felt an urge to call someone and talk to them about my dream, but the more I thought about how preposterous it was, the more reluctant I wanted to call anyone. I recall swearing to Terence if I ever think about her again, he could punch me. I guess I'm nothing more than him thinking about his cheating girlfriend. What right do I have to lecture him of who should and shouldn't he like?

She still haunts me, but I have no feelings for her, not anymore. Instead, the immidiate response I had was to think about people who cared about me, I wish they were here now. Someone I had called every time I had problems with her. But that person is too far away now, with a boyfriend, a tough course, and my phone bills have warned me to show restraint. Not even my most avid reader, was around on MSN or FB to talk to. Where are you?

Then I thought about another person. Someone new in my life. We knew each other for more than a year now, and I've observed her for a very very long time. We always kept in touch whenever we can and we seemed to click on naturally. I would always be the person teasing her and trying to make her pissed, while I giggle in glee as she looked adorable with that pouting face. We shared a lot of things, I think I know more of her than her most avid suitors.

She always complains to me about how irritating those people around her who are now aware that she has just gone single, and have made great lengths to pursue her hand. One even waited for her two hours past midnight just to give her her birthday present, he would even come frequently to her apartment and try to accompany her, but she thinks it's unnerving and giving her a headaches. When she told him she wanted him to stay away from her for a month. He immidiately set an alarm "1/31" for himself, I think it's "4/31" now. It creeps her.

Deja vu? Somebody used to have such problems.

On the other hand, I only brought her to Cocolat just because she mentioned she would love to have a cake and a candle on top of it for her 21st birthday. (I was like hey, you're 21, it's a big eal right?) It's been a long time since I have gone great lengths to do something nice to someone.

From what I sound, I have a fondness for her. I do not deny this. There were times we talk as if we are in the gray zone and one second I would snap her out of it and tell her to dream on as if I would want her. it would piss her off and once she even called to yell at me for fooling around with her and demanded answers. I just kept pushing and pushing her away, knowing that on the other hand, it was the other way inside. She seemed right sometimes, she seemed not right sometimes. I don't know, I'm confused.

She's from a different country, a different culture, and a different background. I don't really find that hard but I recall my mother being somehow objective to her countrymen, calling them cheats and swindlers and I have great doubts how keen my mom would be having the prospect of me being with her. I know I shouldn't, I shouldn't even write this since it isn't constructive and good for myself as a whole, especially now my priority is my studies, and nothing but my studies. Thus another problem roots itself out and I find myself having more commitments than I thought I have. But Mom, please understand, if I don't get this out of my system, I never would and in turn it affects my studies. It's like extracting pus out of a pimple.

I sound like its a one-sided affair like I used to have. But I wondered why she has this strong notion of always trying to please me. I once mentioned that she dresses to shabbily. Remember the Cocolat issue? She changed massively and looked more in style than she used to, and demanded if I was pleased with how she looked now. (Actually I said, hmm, not too bad. As always, she flipped mad :p) She would also always complain why I have a bad outlook on her, as she thinks she is a very very nice companion. Then I would criticize her again and again until she throws a tauntrum and sigh, another round of comforting occurs. It has always been like that for the past one year, in the midst of her being with another person, and while she was recuperating from the break-up.

Two weeks ago, she came over and made me help her with her assignment on writing. It was very embarassing since my friend was around and I was dotA-ing with him. She would then sit beside me and wave her hand, distract me as much as she could, well causing us to lose. I would then help her with everything until she was happy enough to leave me alone, and sitting beside me the whole afternoon. I think it was hard not to presume anything that afternoon, as our plays became live and my friend had a full view on how I talked to her, he even quipped during dinner how suspicious we look, while I had to buy him dinner to shut him up. Sigh. He did mention we complement each other well though, and our conversations were amusing. Hahaha. Not a good sign.

What does it have to do with my dream? Last night was once where we talked short and she was busy with her work. She sounded mysterious and busy and didn't say much with everything we used to talk about. I went to bed early unsatied, feeling on the other side of where I was. The dream came as if to remind me where I was before, and how far I've come after 3 years of getting up. Is it worth it to go into it once more, in the midst of a critical moment? Even if I did, would it be welcomed? Or would it cause more trouble as before like all her past relationships where the men fell badly and somehow, it made her look bad. But that is all my excessive opinions, which is not fair to her at all.

I guess I have to leave it to her that she will have a month to deal with her stalking admirer and leave it to me to really make it through, maybe then, I might reconsider my situation.

Till then, I am at a standout.


Now, I really feel like doing my Algebra, die Conics sections!!

Being insignificant to you, am I?

Today, I exercise my right of speech.

I shall talk about a particular person (Oh god this is an emo post, be warned if you wanted to read some random quirky stuff, this is not the post, you can go away and be entertained by other channels of entertainment) who just now said something shockingly disturbing that I have never heard in my entire life.

It happened when yesterday, I went to have my usual breakfast in a fast food outlet, (Not going to mention which one since that means I want to claim advertisment money, which I will not.) where standing in front of me in line was this person I knew for quite some time. I haven't met her in months and therefore I felt reluctant to tap her shoulder and act like what Terence likes to do, "Hey, mofo!" "Wazzap, pundex!!" something similiar, for a simple reason, I am not him.
Therefore I calmed myself because she didn't notice and well moved to the other line when there was space. After taking my order I had to wait, and somehow she saw me and I was obliged to give her a simple smile and a nod since I didn't want to be branded as rude, but I didn't walk over and said hi or anything, and took my meal and went to get a seat. I didn't see her after that since she didn't had hers in the restaurant and went out with a guy beside her, presumably her new partner.

I felt guilty for being rude at the first place, and well thought I would apologize and explain the 1st minute I could, therefore I sent a IM to explain to her about what happened.

What I got was quite surprising.

I said hello and she said what do you want.

I said I'm sorry about yesterday and I hope you didn't mind because I wasn't in a good state of mood to talk or anything since I had a test coming up later. I didn't mean to be rude or anything.
She replied and said it wasn't a huge concern, since I was a ?????????????? (Translation: A "friend" which is not much of a concern to her.)

I was stunned. Ouch.

Anyway before any of you start to jump to conclusions that I like this person and somehow this is a repeat of that bitch in KL, this is not. But the conclusion seems similiar.

They are of the same species.

I thought I would never meet another again, turns out they're in abundance.

We met Spring of 07 when I 1st came and enrolled into the program. As any male species would be concerned, we would start to catergorize the fairer sex and somehow gauge how we are going to survive in the enviroment given. I noticed her as she was of the better-looking ones amongst a horde of girls who looked like they jumped off the ship being smuggled from the Mainland. So as usual I kept an eye on her and made mental notes on she would behave, how is she like, etc. It is typical for me to gauge a person's behavior before I move on to the other phase. So please do not brand me as a stalker or a sexist as this is my way of not getting myself hurt or hurting anyone by talking or getting to know someone.

As days moved on, she did catch my attention with all sorts of situations like being late, dressed someone to get attention (loud colours, scantily, not always tasteful though) and her lack of female friends, unlike the normal typical girls to be moving in groups, I would see her walk with men and be surrounded by them, therefore my thoughts of this person would increase. But I didn't say too much and wasn't going to be able to be introduced to her as we are not of the same faculty or course. So I did, for a time, felt a certain enigma of this person and was attracted for a brief period.

Things ended when on the day when I saw one of my classmates holding her hand and walking around with it for six months. My 1st reaction was to walk into the toilet to catch a breath about this abrupt incident and with the fact that I was still nursing my wounds from my previous situation, this was nothing compared to the annoyance I felt earlier therefore things got cut off immediately, clean and swift. I accepted that it was not my piece of karma.

My thoughts drifted towards work and things piled more and more. It was during the final exams that something happened.

I was on the bus heading towards my 2nd last paper and I was going to be late. The bus, to my surprise, instead of turning right into North Terrace, went to Grenfell Street and I started to panic and wonder if I was on the wrong bus. Just at that moment I felt a tug on my waist, and she was standing behind me looking at me with the same question, I didn't notice her until then and made the response of getting off the next stop and tagged her along. I didn't thought about anything but the fact that she was my classmate, It is not in my nature be an ass like what people usually do. Therefore both of us started to run, drama-like to the hall and somehow it was of the oddest of occasions, we met.

We didn't talk much until the winter trip me, Terence, Jeremy and Wilson made. And Jeremy told me that she was there at the same place we were and somehow he invited her to join us on the tours we made, along with Terence's friends. Jeremy, being the cunning one, took a row for himself and slept, while Wilson was kept busy by Terence's friend, and who was also his senior in school. Therefore, I was stuck with her, again. So we sat on the same row, and had a trip together to Philip Island. How ironic. I AM NOT JOKING.

The trip was those exciting ones where you never knew what would happen like me jumping off the usual plank roads to take pictures of penguins which are actually illegal, and also the "Good Job" incident. It was actually my fault as I had a picture taken with her and the person who took it was nosy enough to ask where I was from and I told him where we were from and his response to me was "Good Job!!" wtf. Meaning he presumed us as a couple and went ahead leaving us embarassed. Later it became a joke for all my friends when someone is rumoured to be with someone we would go good job with them =.= I was never left alone with that.
Ok after that was on the trip one of our conversations were about her relationship, and she wasn't happy about it. Therefore being a person who was just getting over one, I went ahead and comforted and supported her since I know how bad one of these things are. So we eventually became good friends who shared personal problems and we would talk for hours on IM and have similiarities. It started to sound like I was going somewhere after all with this person, than my usual presumption.

Then one day Jeremy told me a huge news. He told me about the break up between them and I was the first person she went to for advise. Later on I spent a lot of time talking and giving her moral support and tried to convince her she wasn't that bad of a person to be dumped by him, and things do happen like that. She told me she even wanted to changefor the better and I stood by her side and gave her support. That was when not a lot of people were aware of the situation and most of them were gleefully pointing and jeering at her, since she wasn't popular with the female community.

By the end of the year we were occasional friends who would talk and say hi and it was going nowhere, unlike what my friends thought I would. It was during the trip that I realized that she wasn't the girl for me. As she was the type where I would frown upon, thinking that relationship is the only thing in her life. I felt a certain level of naivety and her typical nationalistic views bothered me a lot. She seemed like a bad fit, and I was prepared to shelve her to the friendship category when I started to see streaks of her bad personality.

She was nothing like the sweet, innocent (or at least looking like one) person that I first knew, she had a problem that spooked me, that was her tongue. Unlike me, I was sarcastic, and even though sometimes I would sound blunt and unforgiving, my actions will not be so and eventually what I do speaks louder than my words, as most of my friends would know. But hers, was a different level. She would say things without thinking and most of the things she says hurts you in a way that I have not felt before. It was really bad, like when I had to repeat a paper and I was sounding a little dejected and she went: " What the hell were you thinking." I used to presume that she was setting high standards for me and felt sorry for dissapointing that her. But it turns out she does this quite often and it became more and more intolerable. I stopped talking to her after some time.

As of today, we are moving further away from each other and she came back from China with a new companion who seemingly was willing to indulge in her needs and over-reliance. I wasn't going to respond like what I used to, since I have gotten over her. I still treated her as friend and I was willing to lend a hand if she needed one, I was still her friend, but uncalled for. So I had no hard feelings for her, but what she said to me today was unforgivable. That all I have done for the past few months have been shoved aside, and I was remembered for being a person who didn't greet her for breakfast.

I wonder if she asked herself who was there to lend her moral support when she was at her lowest ebb? I wonder if she ever remembered who never questioned her background and took her in without a single question about why she was different from other girls. I wonder if she remembered who didn't look at her differently when she told him she lost her virginity to her ex because she thought she could trust him? I wonder if she remembered who kept the secret tightly that nobody knew? I wonder, does she, with all her grace and might, remember who was a friend when she needed one, and does that person deserve what she dealt to him? All because of a change of status, does one person shove away those who once stood beside you, calling them insignificant?

One day, you will fall back into that pit that you once had, and at that moment in time, no one will be there to guide you out of it. Not even me I wouldn't. I've seen and known what you did to me today, and I will repay this when this arises. Do not blame me. I am being what you were, insignificant.

In Dedication...

Today I shall do something out of the ordinary.

Today, I shall blog about something in my possession for about 4 years. And, I'm about to let it go.

This.

I met it on my trip to Taiwan and I hoped that it would bring me luck and fortune since I have had a torrid time in the previous year. This is it. My Jade Pi Xiu, or you can pronounce it as 貔貅 in Chinese. And the details here.

But just to clarify it in a simple manner (for lazy people who dun like to click to other links because their farking fingers kenot press another click wtf) instead of being branded for having such occult items, this is a short explaination:

"In Chinese Feng Shui, a Pi Xiu is a mythical animal which is depicted with the head of a dragon and a dog or lion's body often with hoofs, little wings and a tail. The Pi Xiu is a loyal guardian that is frequently seen guarding the tombs of emperors or on the roofs of important buildings. It is believed a Pi Xiu absorbs evil and as it has no anus the evil cannot escape and infect the place it protects. It also absorbs wealth from all directions and signifies money coming in without going out which is why they are often depicted with a full belly standing on a bed of Chinese coins. A Pi Xiu is also believed to attract short-term wealth, as in a lottery win or a cash bonus so is very auspicious in Feng Shui terms. "

Technically, it is an animal with no anus. That somehow does not allow it to leak any wealth away. According to the experts, it also absorbs all the owner's bad luck and dissipates it out in a good scent (I never smelt it so I dunno). And the longer you wear it, the more it shapes to the master's form. If you noticed, it has flecks of white in the Jade when I bought it, it was jet black.

Nah see no anus de...

It was to my attention I needed it because I lacked the water element, which then would affect my studies and also my aquaintence with people, as many of you might recall, everything wasn't doing well, I acquired it so that I could get myself out of the mess. It doesn't mean everyone must wear a dark coloured one, my sister has one in white and yellow Jade and it looks grand with its shape looking more like a real animal instead of mine that looks like it was all in a piece. I didn't complain and accepted it with all my heart. Even though it was small, the workmanship was impressive, it was etched and designed in detail.

Now since this is an auspicious jade and item to keep, why throw it away?

The problem is this.

Chipped on the leg = Bad Luck

I dropped it and it has a chip on the left front leg. Which is a bad thing, according to my sister who just came back from Taiwan.



She went there and met with the person who sold it to her the last time and the 1st response the person had with it was to wrap it up and threw it away. Hers too, had one of the front legs broken but I'm not sure for what reason it was. She didn't even get to say goodbye with it!!

And she wasn't alone, there was the guide who had the same problems with her 3 legged one and she has had torrid encounters since then with complaints from her previous groups. My sister couldn't get a proper, care-free job even as we speak and has fell out of favour with her friends. Mine, need I to say? I just got over a bitch who couldn't care less how the people who cared about her the most were those who criticized her the most.

All this while, while it didn't actually take away my bad luck. It did bring me loads of good friends, friends that some I still keep in touch and appreciate a lot. I did become more sociable and even though I did miserably in STPM, I managed to go somewhere to do something I wanted to do. I'm not sure who to give credit to, but I know I wouldn't have done a lot alone, and that belief it gave me.

I have been reluctant to throw it away for years since it got chipped and I felt bad to waste my parents money just like that. But somehow I remembered something my grandmother had with the jade bracelet that snapped when she fell once, it left her unscathered. She told me she had it for years, and it saved her life. She had another one that just got snapped recently and I guess it saved her as well.

Fancy thinking mine just saved my ass as well. Pun intended. Since it has none :p

I tried taking pictures of it and the camera just simply fails to do so. How I wish I had a SLR camera for that.

Therefore my webcam came to the rescue!! Woohoo I love you Dell!! XD

Close up view


Eh not prepared wtf


Front did you see the teeth?

Nah teeth again grrr...
Side....Another side wtf...

I shall dedicate this post to my Pi Xiu, may you rest in peace and I cannot thank you enough for the services you rendered for the past 4 years. I shall regret having to part with you here, but I shall remember you for as long as I can remember and I promise you, your sacrifice will not be in vain.

Now I feel naked again, I wonder what happens after it leaves me. Nonetheless, I've lived 18years without it, I guess it wouldn't be that bad.

I know I'm that sentimental, I just wouldn't let things go. I kept a pencil that was at the end of the tip and I just wouldn't throw it but then I lost my pencilbox and it was gone wtf. That explains why I couldn't give this up so easily, let alone someone.

I'll miss you!! T.T

(PS: Surface for the Pi Xiu was a Casio 570 which I haven't used for ages. Then again he doesn't leave!! Grr!!)

Stepping out of the Box

I'm sitting across a room where a huge bunch of girls from China are engaged in a loud conversation about everything from their families, lives, activities done during the semster break, down to the every single detail. Nothing seemed wrong except that is what I see all across the University.

Malaysians stick to Malaysians, everybody sticks to their own group of countrymen. Well maybe not, once in a while you'll see a mixture of people together and for one moment you might even think that there's hope for having diveristy when you hear them speaking native English. That is when you realize they're born and bred here as well. Enough said.

It feels werd having them around today. Unlike the few days before when it was just me and Michael in the room with rows of computer and leaving us with plenty of chances to focuse on what we're supposed to do. Not that we did a lot, since people would love to come over and mindlessly challenge me into something I have played for the past 5 years. Therefore a massacre ensued and I have to put on my pity face at them while I was yawning away when I was playing with them. Their problem? The same as every newbie has. Lack of experience, lack of skill ,and lacking the correct mentality. The latter seemed the worst to me.

I sometimes felt obliged to guide these people to the right path, when I should be really happy to steamroll them time and time again until they quit eventually, OR, study. Then again I have self-doubts of reaching over the Great Wall of China. The social wall, the wall that denies them the ability to reach out to others and talk to them and befriend them. They just to seem to just stick to their own people, thus causing even poorer command of the language, and even poorer understanding of the others.

The fact is, they never left their country at all. They didn't allow themselves to forget who they were, where they are, and are tied up with the notion that they must stick together. I even had someone I knew immediately dissing off the food pictures I've taken in Barossa without even wanting to experience it for even once. Is it that hard to even step out of the box for once?

I'm not saying that is wrong. I do this too. But once in a while I reach out to some stranger and talk to them and get to know another new soul. Just this mid-term, I had two wonderful days with new people outside my normal circle and that changed everything in me. I sincerely wanted to thank John, XiOng, Amanda and especially Michele for giving me the opportunity to love life once again. I then understood that you can't have too many friends, but it's the quality you have that makes you realize how important they are.

Mid-term is officially over. Two more months and I will be able to see where I am. For once, I wanted to stay.

Urban dictionary

I just finished my class and I have nothing to do but to check on updates on Facebook and my Webmail and my blog and anything just to keep my eyes from squinting (I was rushing for Maths this morning and the one thing that I couldn't find was my spec, it was when I put my contacts on I found it. I was already 10 minutes late. FML)

Anyway the new contacts felt way better than the previous one, though the consistence of the liquid that it is submerged with felt suspiciously like s***n. But no, it's not white. So rest assured (yeah rite as if I would put it on if it were s***n, duh.)

So I went on my usual blog-hopping and came across Audrey's new post it made me curious to find out my name on urbandictionary after interesting definitions of Timothy and Audrey :p

I was suspecting some awful references but to my surprise:

The definition of Phillip:

1. He is the reason I wake up in the morning and the air beneath my wings. Yeah you wish you were that guy.
Example: Phillip is the shit.

248 Up, 94 Down (I guess some people are just jealous)

HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

OH YEAH ;)

Then here is another

2. Greek God of s*x; known for his amazing looks and long endurance.
Example: He's been going at it as long as Phillip!

OMG OMG OMG

ANDDDDD.......

My all time favourite.

3. Known as the coolest kid in the world to males, and an absolute stud who has the best body around to females. The name Phillip is replaceable with GOD.

Example:
Matt: Phillip, your the man!
Random girl 1: OMG YOU ARE SO HOTT! Can I have some of your nuts!?!?!?!
Phillip: Uhh, sure? *hands her a can of peanuts*

I guess it can't be denied. I am a GOD. :p

Oh so I went and explored more :p

Derrin:
1. action; performance; execution.

Example: How yew be derrin? (Awwww.....)

Jeremy:
1.A named based on the biblical name Jeremiah. Used as a name for children who are blessed with a large brain and/or pen*s. Also used as a replacement for "perfect".
Example: We had a child and it had a very large p**is so we named it Jeremy.

OR

2. A guy who is smart and has a big p***s
Example: Dang, I wish I was like that Jeremy over there.

OR

3. A type of bra strap.
Example: my chest is held up by Jeremy. (And his nick in dotA is Bra Bra :p)

Terence:

1. One whom dresses in ladies gowns and enjoys slapstick violence. Often cuddly and fluffy.
Example: "Steve is a right Terence"

2. An extremely attractive gentleman, usually irish with black hair and blue eyes and is packing serious heat.Residing in NYC. Often incredibly rude, selfish, narcissistic, and tasteless. A synonym for jerk or a**hole.
Example: I'm gonna break up with my boyfriend and b**e me some Terence. That guy was such a freakin Terence!

3. A Terence is a slang word for a man who likes ladies things. Used by the popular "Terence the Transvestite Teddy"
Example: You are a right Terence in that hat Bob.

Go on, have a try and see how you perform!!