I have to work tomorrow, but I just feel that this feeling has been rotting inside me long enough that I need to get it out.
No amount of ranting, self-loathing, or talking it out to myself or to others have made it better.
Basically you can sum it up with one memory.
Back when I was barely double digits I remember going to somewhere called a Bukit Merah Laketown Waterpark, and as usual being kids, we went wild trying out every single ride we can, or were allowed to. There is one ride that I will always remember, and not because it was a memorable one.
It was the only one I couldn't complete.
There was this semi-spherical globe with a mushroom on top, and there were strings where you were required to pull on and slowly reach the top of the mushroom and slide down in glee.
My sister went up, she did it effortlessly.
My dad went up, he did it speedily.
My younger sister went up, even she did it easily.
Meanwhile I slid down, again, climbed up,
until I only remember that the only thing everyone did was laugh.
Laugh at the fat boy who couldn't climb up the slippery globe.
Laughing, smirking, jeering.
To them I was a joke, I couldn't do it.
My dad tried and pulled me up, but the damage was done.
I still remember that failure, and it still haunts me.
Nobody even tried to offer a hand. They just reveled in my failure.
Perhaps one day I will go back and climb it, and actually do it myself.
The experience is uncanny, here I am
Sitting in a room with nothing to look forward to but another day
another day of wearing a pink shirt and an apron in a small little cafe that is not doing well
the boss is disillusioned, my manager who is a good friend who introduced me to this job is getting tired of his efforts.
The staff are lazy, the seniors couldn't be fucked with improving themselves, complaining every little changes being done.
Juniors are learning, not quick enough, and some don't even have the motivation to do more than they could.
I mean, what's the point?
No matter how hard I push, all I get is just dissatisfaction, look questioning me: "Who the fuck are you to tell me what to do?"
I'm the senior/assistant manager, damnit, but I don't feel like I am at all.
Yes, my manager has faith in me, my kitchen people want to help me.
But the end of the day, I go home tired, sore, and unaccomplished.
What have I done with my life, a year after graduation?
My best friend has got married last year, it's going to be his first year in a month's time.
My classmates are all going places, being their own bosses, getting job offers, getting married or attached, flying off all over the world, even
those I feel that don't deserve anything.
are moving on to their second job, faking an image to the world of a potentially risky investment,
while every day I throw in resumes, getting responses telling me I cannot even go past round one of recruitment.
Someone I know who doesn't even understand the first law of thermodynamics when I ask them got through second round.
Which begs the question.
What am I doing with my life?
I'm not exactly young, my mom married at my age.
My dad has a family by 30, got his house, his car, everything started to take place.
At 28, I'm earning a weekly pay, I'm underpaid even though my manager tried to get me more pay but I understood that the shop is losing money I just accepted my pay, hoping that I can change things, and maybe deserve that pay eventually.
I got fired by my last job because of my attitude. Because the owner felt I wasn't doing his shop favours by giving away to regulars a few free stuff because I wanted to improve business and create long-term customers, because I made a newbie who is probably the most ungrateful little bitch who would rather her father marry another IF her mom dies so that her new mother can take care of her cannot take me being strict towards her. She can't even sweep a floor ffs and she has an even worse attitude, instead the senior was gotten rid of.
Worse still, my sibling blamed me for it, she says its my fault, she has proof I'm a negative force in the shop.
She's right, I get upset easily because I have a set of standards, and I try my best to reach those standards. I don't like it when people think they can get away from doing things properly especially when they have more than enough time to do so. and I certainly am not the sort of person who smiles or behaves like a meek little lapdog, I take responsibility for my actions, I resolve them internally.
I do not have to show remorse, I know enough to not repeat it.
Instead, I was accused for not being sorry enough.
All I can say is,
I'm glad I'm no longer working there, I never liked to.
I'm glad I saw my sibling for who she is, a fool and a coward who rather fit in the crowd than be her own person.
Afraid of her own shadow, afraid of being alone.
I stood up for her when she was in a tight spot, I encouraged her to spread her wings.
Instead she chose to stay and rot in a pathetic nesting hole doing a job helping those who no longer want to help themselves, thinking I am like those she thinks she is helping.
I almost was, but I am too damn proud to let myself do so.
She doesn't understand, I didn't want to give up, I am just too impatient.
I want a real job, I was ready to move up.
Time after time I get rejection letters, and I feel tired about it.
When will anyone lend me a hand on this slippery globe?
All I hear is sounds of laughter, jeering, smirking.
you're a loser. a fucking loser, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
the sight when he pulled her away in spite resurfaces.
the time when he bragged,
I'm a graduate engineer, who are you comes back again.
The sight when the other walked around like he owned her again comes back to me,
when people told him to stop, he said so what?
Why do these people get to move on with life?
When can I be strong enough to smite them down myself?
Deal the justice they deserve?
Life's not fair they say,
well give me the chance to straighten it out.
I don't care if I live or die, I just want to do the right thing, and live without my dying breath saying.
I've wasted it.
A mime's box, the invisible cube that no one can see.
Everyone feels sorry for you being in this box, but no one fucking wants to give you a ladder to help you out.
Sometimes you just understand why villains wants to destroy the world.
I hate it enough to understand them now.
Perhaps one day, I might join them.
But then again, I'm too damn proud to sink to their level.
Except for one reason.
Which I won't tell, but you know what.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
I have to work tomorrow, but I just feel that this feeling has been rotting inside me long enough that I need to get it out.
Posted by -tAkEmOtO- at 2:15 AM
Sunday, February 17, 2013
It's been like, 2, 3 years since I've touched this blog?
Posted by -tAkEmOtO- at 5:09 AM
Thursday, October 22, 2009
I have a report and an assignment due tomorrow, and yet I decide to blog.
I should really start to prioritize my things. I've been sleeping after 3am for the past few days, struggling with my work. And I haven't done any revision!!!
Yet life goes on.
I have made it a point to actually be a little smarter in planning my prac sessions next semester, no prac-cramming that will eventually cause me to struggle over the increasing workload. I want to do my own things, have some space to really enjoy my life, as well as step outside of the mundane world Engineering is starting to become.
I find that most engineers have the same problem. We are introverts.
I thought Aussies are supposed to be like super friendly and just go "BOOOYAAA!!!" when you walk across. However, all I see is just meek smiles or sour faces with eyes glued on the computer screen. Seriously, we're doing more work on computers than handwriting these days. It's no wonder most of us have a tendency to wear glasses. I find it rather hard to communicate with them actually, maybe that is because I'm in a group where they just don't speak much? I'm not sure. I hope to widen the scope even further, I'm planning a trip to Sydney and going for gliding next semester, which I really hope will materialize, since two of my friends will be in their final year next year. It's shocking to realize how fast time flies.
I wanted to tell you all that I'm starting to enjoy my life here, regardless of the pay-per-byte internet, the bizzare idea that cricket and aussie football is the craze here, and the horrible drunk locals who just don't know when to stop drinking. I thought I found my solace here months ago.
I was wrong.
Most of you knew what has happened. I shall not touch upon that subject, until I'm ready to.
I'm not going to lie that it has left a huge void in my life, and all the goodwill the city showered upon me just disintergrated. But, I was able to talk to Grace the other day and tell her: "I'm over you." All the pain that I had 3 years ago just dissipated. I'm relieved by it. I had finally let go of my past.
I've come to terms that somehow, God (even though I'm not a very religious person) has other plans for me rather than allowing me to shower my attention on another soul. It's been a topsy turvy year where I see drastic changes among my friends, one who was attached broke up, and patched up again; one moved house and now I get to spend time somewhere in the city while waiting for the next class; another who was just simply the last person you think would end up with someone, got attached and is having a real good time with someone he told me took a year to chase. I deleted someone out of my life, my oldest friend whom I cannot stand anymore. Not to mention the groups of new people I meet almost every month, I feel that my life has finally rooted itself here in Adelaide. I only pray that it gets better.
I myself, am still in square one.
I enjoyed the times we had. Meeting you has been the best thing I had all this year. I never regretted doing all those things for you, I wish it was a little better in terms of appreciation.
It's funny when I thought I've done alot, but eventually it meant nothing to someone. You'll feel gutted and wondered why was it that happened, till the extent, you forgot even my birthday. Speaks volumes on how much I meant to you.
But it's time to move on.
I'm not sure I can go back to where we were. At least I know I can't. I miss you, I still think about you, but it's getting lesser and lesser everyday. The whiff of your scent, the sweet smile on your face, the melodious voice, the warmth you generate, will always be in my mind, just like the memories with Grace.
Only that with Grace, it was a relief that it finally ended.
Waves of regrets I have now for us.
God, I pray to you to give me strength to face life with a smile.
I finally understood why Aussies love to say "No Worries"
Worrying is something I do all the time, and I can't help it.
No worries everyone. Good luck in exams! ^_^
Lastly, I want to share a song that I quite dig these days. It's called "Officially Missing You" by Tamia, rendition by Jayesslee. For those who read from Facebook, my URL is http://yuiyouunderinfluence.blogspot.com and the song can be found under my links.
Posted by -tAkEmOtO- at 9:31 PM
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Posted by -tAkEmOtO- at 11:09 PM
Saturday, September 5, 2009
To those reading under the RSS Feed to Facebook, the blog is here at http//:yuiyouunderinfluence.blogspot.com
So here I am standing all alone
Here I am waiting just for you
So lonely so here I am standing all alone
Here I am waiting just for you
So here I am standing all alone（standing all alone）
So here I am waiting just for you
那是我在轻轻唱着歌 我多爱你 着你
Posted by -tAkEmOtO- at 12:21 PM
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Posted by -tAkEmOtO- at 2:05 AM
Friday, June 26, 2009
I was never a person who believes in divinity. I believed that Man is his own Master and that religion is the most powerful psychological weapon the world has ever had. It binds people from all races and places into a single banner. A banner of God, and what I may say is sacrilegious, nonetheless, that is how I feel.
Today I felt the need for divinity to be with me, to give me strength to overcome things that have and will come my way. I wish it was true, and I noticed the need to have a greater power over me.
I felt the need too, to have someone beside me, to be with me even the last second I exist. Because normally, I feel lonely in this world that I exist in. I noticed the need to have company, the need to coexist.
The need, to have friends.
I felt thankful today that one of my oldest friends came back to me at the moment that I needed someone the most today, and gave me the courage to stand against the tide. I felt that my walls are about to crumble under the anguish and sorrow of not being able to change what is there, and he saved me from it. For that, I thank you.
I do not feel comfortable about telling this, but I have been debating online for the past 3 months with another person who deemed himself worthy to discuss the nation’s policies. He fashioned himself a blog and made several comments which were in a way, twisted in my point of view about the country as a whole. He glorified the oppressors, and sneered at the fighters. He brushed aside dissenters, and welcomed supporters. All was well, until I came.
I came and gave him a piece of my mind (hint noted for the title of his blog, for I do not wish to be linked to his from mine). I fashioned an anonymous name and fought in the dark. I exulted in the battles we fought in which I have successfully defended my case against his and made him somehow curious who this person was. Even to the extent of branding those who support the opposition are only able to defame, intimidate and affirm the writer of his writings. I myself apprehended a few of them for calling him what I myself hated the most, a pendatang (which means an immigrant). Those who were on my side hit back at me, calling me names, I was hurt. But I refused to back down. And took the middle road and focused on debating solid facts with the writer. I was happy when he started to respond in a kinder manner, and was willing to listen to my feedbacks. Until today.
He came in a whirl and slammed me for disagreeing with every single thing he wrote. I cannot blame him, as we have a contrasting view on how the nation should be run. And he went on to attack the very fundamentals of my points, that race-based politics should be abolished in order to truly realize 1Malaysia. He argued that it is unlikely to do so and it is very relevant and I should just accept it. He went on to accuse me of spinning the facts which I have shown him and he has branded me an Opposition supporter, which I am as they champion my ideals, but I may choose again as they do not. I was hurt when he tried to brand me as the very fanatical members he had labeled who had hurt me as well. I felt that I was attacked not because my points were poor, but I was not agreeing to him.
For that I do not know what more I could do save ignore him, but I replied to him and you may read them, if he dares to publish it. He has deleted some of it before, and I have made the cbox beside it my outlet. I fear he may remove that as well.
But somehow I didn’t know about that until my friend told me about it as I was discussing about the blog I read. And I never felt tired than before.
I’m so tired of politics that I wish it didn’t exist. I wish I could just run away and let my country rot and fall into ruin. I wish I was really an immigrant who could just walk away and laugh at it when it falls. But I couldn’t. We are sons and daughters of the land as well, what makes them have more rights than us over it? Shouldn’t everyone be entitled to equal rights? Isn’t that form of oppression they conceived a form of Apartheid as well?
Then again I question myself. I remember Lelouch vi Brittania of Code Geass, which surprisingly as an anime gave me an inquisition over my views. His father Charles is a leader of a nation that is based upon the Social Darwinism. To kill or be killed, to compete, to survive and only the survival of the fittest shall be fit to rule. Lelouch questions the tradition in which his sister Nunnally is one of those who won’t survive the onslaught should it happen to her, and that why aren’t the weak be sheltered as well? But, the Holy Brittanian Empire was successful due to this concept, and those who were ruthless and strong ruled well. While its competitors, like the E.U. were weak as they exercised democracy and the people only obey the popular view. This makes me wonder that is the country headed the right way? That the survival of the fittest is the way to rule? It certainly is in the animal kingdom. Should we adhere ourselves to compete and overwhelm each other, regardless of the strong and the weak so that we are able to succeed?
Then again, Lelouch fought against such ideals and sacrificed himself in order to create a world in which his sister would be able to survive in. Along the way he betrayed everyone, even his sister at the end in order to focus all hate towards him and with his death, all hatred would vanish and the world could rebuild itself. I wish it was that easy in life.
Same as something happened to me several weeks ago over a friend of mine. I made a simple remark in which happened to involve his girlfriend and the remark somehow annoyed him. Immediately as a response he harassed me in one of the applications as well as called me a person that no one likes to talk to, that I have no friends. All because of a girl, he was willing to forego a friendship over hard times.
Then again I question myself, do I really have that few friends? How many of them are actually my friends rather than ‘friends’? This happened to me months ago when another girl out of a sudden called me an insignificant friend. I started to ask myself whether I have problems in which people are not willing to really befriend me? Do I seem problematic as Bryan claims me to be? Does anyone secretly hate me and want nothing more than destroy me if offered the chance to do so?
If having friends is that hard of a thing, then what about love? I have just recently found out that one of my friends actually liked me two years ago and I didn’t notice that from her. But nothing’s going to happen since she has since moved on and attached herself. I never said I didn’t considered her, but at the period of time I was badly hurt by another person I thought had great potential and looked like a missing part of me. I felt sorry now that the girl who liked me had to listen to hours of me telling how hurt I was by another girl while she harboured feelings for me. Doesn’t that feel familiar on my side? I didn’t like it, how would she? I felt that I have done more wrongs than right, and if that is so, can I be truly considered right?
Unlike what my other friends who claim that I was a self-righteous person. I often question myself over the things I’ve done. I was inspired by Barack Obama whom against all odds became what may be the most inspiring person I have ever seen in real life, as we speak. He had shown me that change is possible within every one of us and it is our choice to decide whether we wanted the change, or not. I was inspired by his speeches, the way he approached conflicting issues between the Middle East and the West, birth control and abortion, peace and war. He showed me that if there is a will, there is a way. But I am far from him, as he is a Law Graduate from Harvard University, while I am struggling over a repeat semester at a programme which has not confirmed my place at the university yet. He is the POTUS (President of the United States) while I am a 21 year old who has nothing but trouble all over his hands and yet seeks out more trouble by stirring the hornet’s nest full of BN supporters.
My friend told me that what I wrote was equivalent to his lecturers in university, and we have an Obama within each of us, that we can make a difference, and change the world, no matter who we are. I thank him for this. For without those words, tonight would’ve been a long night for me. I pray hard that tomorrow a better day arrives in which the world slowly but surely moves in a path where our efforts do not go in vain.
I pray that I will be there to see it.
I wish those who said those words to me could’ve taken it back. I value my friends so much that I try not to have so many so that I can take care of each and every one of them. I weep for those who have left me, for I have not without effort tried to keep them with me.
I pray that the writer would see fault in his words and debate in a civil way rather than the manner he does today. I know I cannot please everyone in this world, but I try to please most of us.
I pray that God, take what may be taken from me, and grant me a future. I am an ambitious man, and I want to leave a name in the annals of history before the end. If not, I have failed my life.
I thank you again, Windmaster Hiroaki for you support. You have been my stauch defender, my critic and my companion for 14 years. I wish there is more for us.
Posted by -tAkEmOtO- at 4:38 AM