Sunday, January 27, 2008

27 Things That Girls Never Found Out

This was something I came across when I saw Ai Xin’s bulletin, and I couldn’t resist making a post about it.
27 Things That Girls Never Found Out. I would like to explain why.

1. Guys hate sluts even though they had sex with them!(Oh yeah…you're not "popular" if you've slept with more than 6 guys…you're a whore)

I have friends who can’t take it if their girl isn’t a virgin, but for me, I only dislike girls who do not love themselves and would do anything to seek attention, it doesn’t really matter what was in the past, what is more important is the present, if there is.

2. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.

I agree, I would do this and yet I would keep an eye on that person and see if she goes jealous. It’s a double edged-sword, u get to build confidence, and find out your target cares about u as well.

3. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.

Correction: I would go crazy over someone who I care for when she smiles at me. Sometimes all it need is for her to smile that would be enough.

4. Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him

I use to do this when I was young, and I usually end up humiliating myself. But after that, I would just ignore this and just get on with my life, and usually wait for opportunities to introduce myself instead. Man I hate doing stupid stuff to attract people’s attention…it makes me blush whenever I remember what I did before…urgh.

5. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest.

‘Nough said. Who would like to listen to that?

6. Boyfriends need to be reassured often that they're still loved.

Agree. Making him feel secure should be your top priority. If he doesn’t feel so it would be better to do something to regain that confidence in you, smile at him, look at him, and pay attention to him, compliment him, or the best way is kiss him, that would make him feel all the better and I can tell you this works magic.

7. Don't talk about your guy friends to your boyfriend.

Hmm…it’s a lesser mistake compared to no.5, but it is also not nice, unless u want him to be pissed and the next time u see that guy he will have a black eye bcoz u told him u were upset with him. Not a smart idea.

8. Guys get jealous easily.

True. There is no such thing as a guy who isn’t jealous, not even the most understanding or the most secure guy would tell u that he is not jealous when his girl is with another guy. Even if he does, he would just take it in and pray that nothing happens. Not that u couldn’t be with other guys, just follow rule no. 6.

9. Guys are more emotional than they'd like people to think.

Masculinity has been etched in male blood ever since humans existed. It is the basic instinct to bear any burden and show a tough core so that their partners can feel secure, at the expense of their own discomfort. (No thanks to the recent movie 300, who I believe every guy aims to be a Spartan right now) A good spouse would share it with you, but do not force them to tell if they do not want to, and do not blame them for their wrongdoings, but help them see the light at the end of the road instead. If you cannot help, just tell them you will support them in whatever their decisions may be.

10. Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!...uh...never mind..." would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsessed about it trying to figure it out.

I really hate this, hanging messages are very misleading. But it is understandable. Sometimes u may forget about what u wanted to say, but then you will make someone very concerned and think and think and think until he might get some random assumptions and conclude without even asking you whether that is what you want. Simply because if we ask to confirm, we are not mindful, if we do not do anything, we will be branded as ignorant, it is really tough to be a guy.

11. Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like.

Agree this to the core. I can truthfully admit that I can never speak properly to someone I like. In turn whoever I talk with ease can rest assured that I have no other agenda with you, I might even see you as a fellow male counterpart. So if you see me talking weirdly to someone, you can get a good guess, but be sensible, I will not have anything to some old lady, or a guy. I am not gay, nor am I a freak.

12. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.

Hmm…dunno, I would tease anyone, this one isn’t a good diagnose. No. 11 would be a better gauge.

13. Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships.
I don’t have to comment. It is true.

14. Guys think WAY too much. One small thing a girl does, even if she doesn't notice it can make the guy think about it for hours, trying to figure out what it meant.

Same like No. 10, it really bugs guys, but it is kinda unavoidable. Never assume whatever you do or say would be overlooked by someone who cares, they will remember whatever you say better than your PDA planner. I know, because that is what I am.

15. Guys seek for advice from girls not other guys. Because most guys think alike, so if one guy's confused, then we're all confused.

Well, all I can say is that guys are totally pathetic when it comes to asking for advice. I usually go screaming at my girl-friends and ask them why the heck girls are stupid, and I would get a far better answer than that. The best way is to consult her best friend, obviously, and u might get a good answer.

16. When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me."

This one is true, to a certain extent. I have said this before to her and told her to go away, even shocking her when we bumped in Jusco, she tried to strike a conversation with me only to see me walk off in disgust as the freak is right behind her. Rather than telling her to go away, I would just walk off or look in another direction instead. How many times would I have wished she would come after me instead.

17. If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn't happen that often, so when it does, you knowsomething's up.

Hmm…not really. I usually talk seriously. So I cannot vouch for that. Hehe.

18. If your best guy friend seems to avoid you or is never around when you're with your boyfriend, he'sprobably jealous and likes you.

I admit being so green-eyed that I could burst into The Hulk and throw him off the fourth floor of the school building, but I can honestly say that I have many instances of girls I have liked before going out with other guys, and I do not feel that bad or even that jealous before. I think it usually applies to the kind of guy she is going out with. I avoided her because I had to show my objection, and I would not agree to her choice. It is a simple way to demonstrate my dissent, as any protest to political movements would be as well. You cannot just go on riot and rebel as you like, what I did was really sensible, but it did nothing to change matters.

19. When a guy tells you that you are beautiful, don't say you aren't. It makes them want to stop telling youbecause they don't want you to disagree with them.

I have been trained to praise girls ever since I worked as a sales promoter three years ago. I could overlook my conscience and praise like the mirror in Snow White. But I would never praise anyone beautiful unless I mean it.

20. When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking something.

Yeah, the image of you beside him instead. I have been caught doing that to her, and I got the complaint of “raping” her with my eyes. Eventually, I had to force myself not to look at her in the eyes or anywhere else she was. She made me do it, and it is a very cruel thing she did to me, that she never found out.

21. Guys don't like girls who punch harder than they do.
=.= I don’t really care. Punch all u want.

22. A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.
Read No. 9

23. Don't be a snob. Guys can be intimidated and give up easily.

Hmm…I hate naïve bitchy people like Xiaxue and Mayzhee, who talk loads of crappy stuff that makes them sound like bimbos that just evolved from the primate world. It is not an excuse for not having general knowledge, it is plainly because u lack the sense to take notice of things around you, and rather focus on stuff that quite frankly, doesn’t mean anything to anybody. Who would care if your laptop is Pink when everything is from the stone age? I rather pay for something that would last a few years and is value for money. Who cares if your room must be completely pink? If u insist, should we paint the floor pink wherever you go? Or even paint anything pink as long as your eyes fall upon it, my god, Nippon will be so happy with you guys…and I can imagine the Spartans wearing pink…urgh. I rather if she has abit of imagination, but has more sense that nothing can be perfect, and make do and take things as they go.

24. Guys talk about girls more than girls talk about guys.

Yes. It’s true.

25. Guys hate rejection, but they hate being led on even more.--If you are going to reject a guy, just do it. Don't say they are like a brother or just good friends, it just hurts even more. Tell them that you aren't interested in a relationship and they will respect you.

I should write a lot about this. I do not hate rejection. I fear rejection. But I rather go for it than sit there and let everything slip away. Being rejected is nothing, it would hurt you for some time, but nothing hurts more when all your concern is taken for granted. Now, like what I said before, being second best is no consolation to any guy who cares about you, and u might as well stab him firmly and kill him rather than telling him to be your friend (See my point Weiqi?) I have kept her email when all she said was she was not interested in any relationships, and I respected her and let her go, and poof, what happened just weeks later? What pains me the most is being lied to. Never, ever, never ever lie when you know you can’t keep the promise at all. I never agreed to what you chose, and look what I brought you. You shouldn’t have said that, and I shouldn’t have left. I take your words very seriously, and I paid the price for being so f***ing obedient.

26. Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing butsomehow are drawn even more to them.

Let’s face it, I have not seen a sensible female. Never. I cannot understand their ideas and concepts that are totally tactless and irrational. I can live with a little madness, but I cannot tolerate if she wants her pathway to be painted pink. I will buy her a pair of sunglasses with pink tinted lenses instead. Sigh. Men are from Mars, and women are really from Venus (the extreme heat must’ve burned their senses away)

27. When a guy sacrifices his sleep and health just to be with you, he really likes you and wants to be with you as much as possible.

After Form 6, I needed a month to recover from a sudden fatigue and illness from being concerned with her. Not to mention I lost 21kg just because of that traumatic ordeal. I went from a Size 38 to a 33, and I had to pull my belt tightly to prevent my pants from falling off, and I had these hip-hop pants that were actually fitting in my previous years…I even jumped up in the early hours just because she called and told me she was harassed by some sicko on the phone. I even called that guy back to find out who that idiot was. I would sometimes worry until 3 in the morning and end up sleepy the following and lose concentration in class. I lost my appetite, and worked like mad just to keep myself sane and avoid thinking about her. What makes you think I would care about you less than him? Nobody knew. And 5 years of concern all washed away. As if that is something your 50bucks can pay me back. You can never pay me back, not with money.


This has been the worst day since my entrance into Uni, not just because I made myself sore by overexertion from badminton yesterday, I had to rush for another dinner appointment when my dear friend called me an hour before that, talk about running, I had to dash back to get everything done and then rush out again, and probably ended up an hour late, but thank god the people understood forgave me for that…and ended up late at night playing Bridge, new card game which I find quite interesting. But the moment I woke up today, I knew today is going to be a bad day.
Anyway, to cheer me up, I went over my music directory and ransacked a few songs and had them on just to make me ignore my overwhelming sores. There was one particularly interesting song that I had it on for like an hour non-stop, and even looked for its lyrics just to completely understand the whole thing. It was David Tao’s Zhi Dao Zhi Yan De Bei Ju or How Long, lyrics as follows:


I have highlighted the several sentences that really bugged me (as they perfectly reflect what I had in the past) and I still cannot believe it has been two years after that, and I can still remember everything as fresh as it was yesterday. I really do hate myself for all of the problems I have bought upon myself, and I will, never, ever forgive myself for being stuck in this rut. Not even having her, nor any magnitude of destroying him would suffice. I am truly, my own director my worst enemy.
Something came across my mind that I think I should address, as even my own parents have serious doubts towards their own son, not to mention the amount of suspicions and discussions that have been around me for a long, long time. Therefore, I wish to declare myself:
I am NOT gay.
I have no interest in the same sex.
I am perfectly heterosexual with healthy appetites towards women, though I rarely show and have a small amount of girl-friends only.
I’m not surprised being branded a homosexual. In fact just recently, one of the questions the girls forwarded to me was this: “Are u gay?” Which made me speechless, after the shock I firmly replied: “No, I’m not.”
It has never been a question to me, unlike my siblings, towards the question of sexuality. I knew early on I would not like to be the one to be screwed, and nor would I be attracted to a gender that has the exact same organs that I have.
But, arguments would defer towards my characteristics and usually mistake them as me being a gay person.
1. I have unnaturally thin radius and ulna…which means my wrist are as thin as, if not thinner than a girls’. I have been asked by my Taekwondo instructor how on Earth a guy like me would have such weak wrists, and suggested I would be more of a gentle arts’ person, rather than ripping up people’s head and kicking some crotches in Taekwondo. Here’s a photo of it:

WTH??!! are those girl's hands?

that is my hand, please believe it

Thousand-armed GuanYin's hand signs..omg

this is what usually happens unconciously...super gay
2. I have an unnaturally high pitched voice. Yes, everyone who knew me would notice that my voice is surprisingly gay, despite my size. Due to this, I have been mistaken as a girl in phone calls countless times that sometimes, I would play on and act like one, but that was for fun. With my voice, I also made it into the Tenor group in choir, which is a higher vocal range for men, instead of the normal Base or Baritone. Usually that group consists of very ladylike males and self professed homosexuals, I get along with them well but I was never someone who would scream at the top of my lungs(except for the part I had to do in the International Choral Festival) and bitch around like a girl. I would, usually sit down and learn my songs and discuss with my friends while keeping an eye on her as she fools around. I enjoyed my time in choir, as it gave me a chance to voice out, and enjoy being in control of melody. I am proud of my voice, instead of those tone deaf nitwits who croak feebly and believe they can sing, oh, how I wish I could strangle those guys!!!

International Choral Festival (a place with hot Estonian Babes)

State-Level Competition
3. My interests are surprisingly gay. Yes, I read books, I cook and I like to shop around with my mom. Explaining the third one 1st, as it sounds so wrong…I would usually go out with my mom, and end up picking shoes or dresses for her. I would not just sit down like those ahpeks or lengchais, who look bored and annoyed while their wives of girlfriends wander around their fairyland. Instead, I would select a few pairs of shoes I would think that were suitable for my mom, and she would take my advice and buy them, not because I force her to, but they were really good ones that would fit her properly, u can ask her to confirm that, and u can’t blame me for having good tastes. (I admit I do blast my mom when she tries to overdo herself, and sometimes imagine what I think would be suitable for “her”). I have annoyed a lot of guys by being a history freak, and present ideas that to most of the guys sound gay, and therefore I am usually thought of as a homosexual, to their shock when I showed my true colours in form 6, by being connected to someone who doesn’t have a dick.

Oh i can cook, can you??
Well, seems firm enough that I might be gay, but honestly I am not. Being branded as a gay sometimes seems complimentary, but usually it spells disaster as your potential targets usually think of u as a fellow female and that would be an end to any chance of getting someone. Not to mention freak guys out or even make conservative people hate and despise you for something that u are not.
I am not gay, nor would I ever have any inclination towards that side as well. I really wish this would just go aside and leave me alone, because it is really irritating and annoying to be accused of being something that is so not true, and the only way to prove it will be to humiliate myself and get slapped for trying to prove myself…sigh…tell me, what do I need to do to prove that I am not gay?
PS: I do like girls, and I am only interested in girls, just because I do not feel excited when I see a boob or ass doesn’t mean I like them not…it may be because I do not find them as interesting as some hot-blooded idiots find them…maybe it take someone special to do that, maybe not..but I really hate to repeat this post in the near future…beware u potential questioners, I will OWN u before u can even say the word, “Dumbledore!”(bcoz he is gay)

Saturday, January 12, 2008


They say games won’t hurt you, but then again, it depends on how much emotions you’ve invested on it.
Similarly, it’s like a relationship. The more u put in, the tougher it is when something happens to it.
I spent a month on an online game called Travian introduced by my friends, and I started out rather slowly, building bit by bit, spending hours on it and even skipping the rules when I used admin computers to surf it. That was how dedicated I was to making it a success. I’ve had really tough patches, as there were raids and assaults all the time, sometimes stalling any constructions I had in mind. Eventually I was invited into an alliance, and things started to go well, I had great relationships with my neighbouring villages, and even having some helping me when times were tough, I felt right not raiding them at the 1st place, and now they’re helping me back…
But then, everything didn’t last for long, due to one careless mistake, I poked the eye of a sleeping dragon, and all hell broke loose.
As I scouted villages around me, one of them was this big one and he was offended by the scouting and started tearing me apart. My allies, thankfully, responded with such vigour that I felt touched that they were actually willing to help, even they were situated far off from me. Together, we blunted several assaults from him, and eventually more and more people got involved and now it has become a full-scale battle between two alliances. My allies never stopped helping, and they never stopped attacking. It soon looked as a losing cause as nothing seemed to be in my favour, allies too far off, enemies too near.
Eventually I even sued for peace with the offender and he got arrogant and ignored the plea even after he himself said he wanted to talk to me. I wasn’t surprised about his sudden turn as it is normal for any victorious army to push forward on the crest of victory. I was speechless. I felt a sudden dizziness and shivered non-stop. It seemed like what happened to Dad years ago…it felt like blacking out.
After discussion with my allies, they agreed me to quit as the best option rather than feed them. With a heavy heart, I pressed the quit button.
With less than 72 hours to go, I’m counting down to another failure. Not any less bitter than my 1st failure.
I really hate walking away. I hate giving up halfway through anything else. I hate it even more when I gave up because I failed.
I hate failing.
Which means that I am Kiasu.
Kiasu means scared of losing. I admit I hate losing.
I hate it even more when I lose to jackasses and people of less deserved.
I wish to thank all those who helped me all this while and hope that they would succeed in their future undertakings. I am touched with the help given, even though I may not be there long enough to savour it anymore.
Now how much more would I screw up?
It’s been all the way downhill ever since Form 6. Had my luck finally ran out?
Nothing has been right. I really feel bad with everything now.
I wish she would pay attention to whatever I wrote. It would tell her how much she had affected my life, and contradict a statement she wrote on her MSN, “Guys’ ruined girls’ live, don’t you think so?”
I would pay a lot to have my life back. Starting from the moment I gave up piano.
Just like Jay’s old tune I’m listening to now, Hui Dao Guo Qu (Going back into the Past), I really want to turn it all back.
But light has no opposite vector. Enough said.

Monday, January 7, 2008

What I've done

Another afternoon wasted. My laundry got thrown all over the place, and my afternoon lunch seemed like something witches would do to make something nasty, it tasted weird to…and I was not happy with it, had a bad lunch and was in a terrible mood. Later the evening I went over to my friend’s place for dinner and had the same amount of appetite…my appetite seemed worse off since I came here, and I felt like not eating, as I seemingly didn’t use up and energy at all. I know mom, I know I have to eat, but I know my limits, and I wish I dun have to eat sometimes, at least with your permission, I think girls understand my situation better, I just lost the old gluttony habit I had when I was young, that’s all.
Meanwhile, while I was there, my friend was watching Transformers, and as I recalled a blog post by Kenny about Transformers I read yesterday, it ignited a lot of thought and ideas on that day I went for the show at the cinema. I went alone, and I was late. I missed a chunk of the front part, and it was a Thursday, but it was crowded. I didn’t know it was the 2nd day of the blockbuster, but I went for the sake of childhood memories, I loved Transformers, it was what spurred me to ponder about a career in Aerospace Engineering, besides Gundam, but I never got in touch with that, so I cannot comment about that. I was interested with the idea of having such machines created, and the idea of celestial battles seemed mind boggling. It gave me a lot of inspiration, and it was what that made my day.
My dad didn’t want to watch with me, saying it was naïve. My mom was not a fan of gory, violent +dirty-looking men movies, so both of them were out. Later that my dad ate his own words by suggesting to find the DVD for the movie as his friends claimed it was good, talk about being naïve. Phpppff…
I would think about my friends 1st, whenever I think about that movie. They’ve been supportive and kind, unexpectedly but gratefully so. None of them had any idea of my life during Pre-U, being neglected, despised and bullied in class, all because of believing in something. A lot, I mean a lot of people asked, why should you hold on to something that isn’t worth holding on? Most of them have told me to move on, and saying there are plenty of fishes in the sea; it’s in the past, move on; it’s not worth it; you deserve better, etc. etc. I thank them for it. But it is neither comfort nor pity that I asked from anyone. I asked for understanding, and nothing but that. People never seem to understand that point.
My life, as described in the recap last week, has been nothing but a wreck. Nothing has gone right in my life after 17, and I feel like it’s just starting. My parents were not confident of me when I was young. I was a follower, I was an introvert, playing in my own world, not going out to play with other kids, had a serious problem with going to toilet at night. I recall my mother even telling me of my father’s doubts of me when I was young. That was how useless I was in my parents’ eyes. It was until secondary school that I found myself being different than my average schoolmates. I had few friends, lesser even common interests compared to the friends around me, making it even harder for me to make friends. I was into things that people thought were ‘uncool’. Therefore people thought of me as a freak. But I had friends, and they were supportive all the time. I thank them for that. But it was never enough, I had to prove myself, and I did.
Scoring straight As for PMR, and doing well for three years consecutively in lower form immensely helped to change my image. I turned from a weirdo to a nerd. At least one that people would give respect to, and cut me some slack as I was good at something. I didn’t do that well in the higher form, and yet scoring 9As was something unexpected, though my parents, as they have gauged my performance based on my lower form, reckoned that I would’ve done better if I had paid more attention into it. Since then, I find that my parents have set such high standards on me, as my sisters, did mediocre for their exams, so it was normal to pin high hopes for me, and it gave me the need to prove myself even further, and I thought I had found something I was good at, being smart.
Pre-U came and went, and I found myself stranded at a position where I had lost most of the things I used to have in life. Some of the people I knew were pushing ahead of me, and I was not just left out, but beaten to the ground. My results showed I was not smart enough. I in fact lost the very thing that I was good at. Most of the people would say that being smart is not important. So take an example:
Imagine an athlete who is reputed for his running skills, so basically, the legs are the most important equipment for him if he is to run. And the only thing he is good at is running.
Now, imagine him going through a car crash and had both his legs amputated, so now he can’t walk, let alone run.
U can see that he has nothing left to do. Oh sure, go find something else to do, find a new talent, bla bla bla. But that is the outsiders’ view and what they would say in general, passionlessly, lifelessly.
Put me into the equation, drag the athlete out.
Now, I’m a guy with nothing left. Do you understand?
Being smart is all I ever had, being informative and having vast amounts of stuff to say whenever I engage in any conversation is what makes me feel empowered and useful. Now, having neither the ability of being accredited, what can I say to make myself view and held in esteem? I would sound like a dork or a freak talking about stuff that anyone would just ignore, which by the way is what I AM doing.
I just can’t see anything else I could do to replace what I once held with pride.
I practically lost my future, lost my offer letters to good institutions, and gave my sister and many other people, including those who doubt me stuff to laugh at.
It’s not just shame. It’s something beyond.
U would feel as if u can do nothing but just vaporize and cease to exist.
Rubbing salt into wounds is when people who doubt you get extra firepower by being better off and u can see it in their eyes of their arrogance and wind as they walk by, flaunting their new found respect and seeing u ended. It’s not just being felt mistreated. It felt like being on the wrong side all this while with something you believe in, and all this while whatever you had put yourself on, is WRONG.
I was wrong, I was candidly been duped into believing in something that will eventually make me lose anything.
Talk about showing hands in Texas Hold ‘Em. You go to win it all or you go to lose it all.
The point is, am I wrong?
Have I been really, really wrong by even thinking of that matter in that point of view even at the start of everything? Could I have been wrong because I made adjustments halfway through?
Or was I right, and everything fell into ruin as it was not my time at all. I paid the price of being steadfast to beliefs?
I despised someone. Yet people respond to him as if he was a deity. He gained so much support and people basically welcomed him as he struts and frets upon the stage, was I wrong to say that what he did was wrong? And his annoyance was due to my jealousy?
I felt cheated. Was it because I felt really cheated as I was pledged of something that went against it later on, or was I just envious as I had practically lost to someone of less mettle? She rejected me early off in the race, and I had not even a chance earlier on. And my hatred was blinded my all the privileges he got after he succeeded in getting it.
I felt useless. Was it because I was really hardworking, and didn’t get the desired results, or did I deserve the results, as I had not done enough, by doing other stuff instead of studying, compared to my other schoolmates? I do not feel like I deserve the praise from my teacher, as I have not put the effort in as well.
I doubt myself. Because all I did was do nothing and held onto what I believed. And in the end I failed in everything I had. I came out with nothing, realising I just threw my life away. All my confidence, faith, trust, hope and love washed down the drain. I deserve the failure. I created the failure.
So why am I in the sense of denial?
I despised someone to the fact that there are people who despise him as well. I saw boos all over the place when he tried to rally the group to the graduation song. People complained of his annoying acts in class, and usually tell him to shut up if he had said too much. Teachers look at my face, shaking their heads as he made pointless and idiotic quotes. She gave him a head off when he was groping her all over the place. He has no sense of respect to girls, at one point pressing down a girl’s shirt just to see what undergarments she wore that day, and I did not mean the same girl he groped. He is in favour of sexual remarks and thinks of himself better off than the conductor in choir, trying to dictate the crowd behind the conductor. Why do I despise him?
I felt cheated. I felt cheated because I kept a letter by her that told me she would never, ever consider the guy as he is not suitable for him. She even rejected him several times in the process, breaking up and patching up again and again, even after what he did to her. All I saw was her being stupid and crazy enough to go back to something which quite frankly, demeans her in person. I felt cheated as I stopped going after her as soon as she said no, and apparently she said no to him, so many times, and it worked. I felt cheated as she told me I was ‘raping’ her with my eyes, and all I could do was not even look at her, hearing her complaint. Whilst she gave him the permit to grope all he wants, look as much as he wanted, do what he wants. What is wrong? Was I cheated?
I felt useless. And I have never felt useful before. I leave that as a standard fact.
I doubt myself. And it came after everything came to an end.
I didn’t move on, not because I wasn’t willing to.
I tried to move on by forgiving and accepting. But I found it too much to take as I find nothing that made me accept the being he is.
I tried to move on by finding another person. I found no one. I even made myself think I had, and I eventually made one upset as she and I had issues on communication. I never felt anything strong with her, and I had a sense of guilt if I ever thought of using her as a replacement. I’m sorry if I made u upset for that incident that day.
The other was there for me all the while, made me happy when my times were bad, demeaned herself when I requested her for a favour against her wishes, did her best to smile and tried make me smile, sweet as honey, and having a mind as sharp as a needle. You felt right, and I thought u were, and I did at one moment, thought of you as the answer. But you know your relationship with her, and the fact that I felt I couldn’t trust you enough. I wish I could overlook it, but I couldn’t. I wish it were that easy. I was never the confident, certain and almighty person you thought I was. I need more attention and care than you do. I’m sorry.
Regarding the matchmaking my friends did, I’d thank you for all the help, but one part I was hesitant, the other, it was too late. I felt I wasn’t ready for another upset or perhaps a responsibility. I’m couldn’t handle myself, let alone others.
I’m not suitable to have a partner. Yet I wish I have one.
I wish not have any one, but the only one.
The only one, and yet not the one that is now, but the one she could be.
I sound selfish. I am selfish. For this matter I am selfish. I will not tolerate or lower my criteria for any lesser. This is about my future, and I will not tolerate for any losses.
Even now, I seem to have things all balanced up and going according to plan. But these are but things superficial to the mind and soul. I am thankful, but yet not grateful. I seem to have things that I never asked but shoved upon me, things that I want, I rarely get. Can I complain?
As Evan Almighty’s God said, when you ask for riches in life, does God give you riches, or the chance to be rich? If one asks for family unity, does God allow an immediate unity, or the chance to be united? If one asks for love, does God provide love, or does he provides the chance of giving love? Ask not for something, but savour the chances offered.
I asked not for pity, but the chance for everyone to understand. I asked not for equality, but the scale of fairness or judgement being dealt out. I asked not for love, but the chance of letting me love, which I never knew, and she found out. I never tried, and gave up on the 1st turn.
Now, how much more can I screw up?
Remember that scene where Mikaela had to drive and bring Bumblebee out of the battle zone, where she knocked her head straight on the driving wheel, being afraid and asking herself what could she do instead of running for cover? She turned back and charged at Devastator with Bumblebee in tow. In those moments she would’ve easily been killed by any round it fired, but she survived. The part where Cpt. Lennox rode the bike? How many times would you have expected to just slide directly pass and not be trampled? And Sam being surrounded by Megatron would’ve dropped the Allspark so many times if it was really him and not the script that ran the movie? We ask ourselves how many times we could’ve ruined it all, and sometimes we don’t, and end up as heroes. But when we do, we usually never live to see its consequences. But how many of us are born to be sure about anything? Even our parents are not so convincing once u got to know them well.
Life’s too short to make mistakes. And now I’m standing between two possible bridge connections, one is to let go of the past, and take a leap to the future; the other is to turn away from it, and stay back to end the nightmare that haunts me every single moment, every single day. As I have said, it’s not about letting go and moving on. It’s about taking in the past and making it our master. If I do not do well in turn soon, I might as well turn back, and be lost in the wilderness forever.
I do not have Steven Spielberg to dictate my ending. I’m my own director.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Nothing better to do...

Apparently I had too much sleep, and it made me unable to rest unless I get some stuff out of my head, and also to make me feel so lethargic that I would give up this post and go to sleep…
Anyhow, I really dun have anything to write…but I still felt like writing, and I start to feel like my posts are getting more and more pointless, not to mention the lack of support from anyone about my blogs…oh well, there’s always a more positive view from this…that means I can write about anything I want, and not worry coz people dun bother reading it…hohoho… yea right…as if…so once again, pleading anyone who read this blog to please comment?? I hate talking to myself lorrr….sien like hell…and summore not feedback…nobody scold me…lagi cham…sob sob sob…

It’s 2008 and from my last post…it was all about recapping and moaning once more (I know) about what a annus horribilis (or we say an horrible year) it was in 2007…and that makes us wonder, will it be an annus terribilis this year?

Well, 2007 was a year of turmoil. It went to the very last day of the year that people still received news of chaos and strife, famine and death all over the world, and geez 2007 really liked people dying…from my neighbour Mrs Lee to Benazir Bhutto…not to mention my favourite author Robert Jordan’s demise…I was so upset that I wouldn’t be able to finish Rand’s fight against the shadow that I practically scavenged the web for some idea of the ending…luckily I found out that Mr Jordan did in fact left notes on the plot…and the publishers have commissioned a writer to finish his work…nonetheless having it not finished by him himself makes it even more doubtful, but being the loyal fan of WoT, I will finish the journey…
Another new hope for this year is the US presidential elections, where it is obviously a two horse race between Obama and Clinton for the Democrats, and obviously nothing for the Republicans…therefore we can expect something to happen this year, maybe a troop withdrawal? I’m not a fan of the peace thing, but the fact of the soldiers being in Iraq and dying due to IEDs, sniper gunfire and just plain guerrilla attacks is unnerving…it was Vietnam all over again…I wish they would speed up with armour research and we get to see weapons in Crysis…I really like the Maximum Armour, Strength, Speed and Cloaking capabilities it offers…but I was irritated by the need to convert the focus of energy from one aspect to the other…maybe it’s due to the gameplay…no fun having a invisible-thick skinned-super strong-lightning fast soldier that is invulnerable right? Kills the game of right away… anyhow, I have no preference on which candidates, as they will usually turn into another being after they get into office…so let us see who moves into Washington then, if this is a big deal..what about the following matter? My own country’s elections…
There have been several hints and predictions about the elections date…and people are seemingly unnerved by recent events, not to mention our ex-minister-cum porn star matter…it just doesn’t seem to me that this is a government that we should tolerate with any longer…it has bought nothing but more trouble than more help for the people…oh sure, the angkasawan thingy was supposed to be a matter of national pride…and I’ve read of articles chiding the scepticism of the public about better use of funds than sending people to space…I personally support space exploration, and to me, the fact of going up there to eat ketupat and toss roti canai is not my idea of a space mission, that for me is called showboating, and shows of the people’s naivety towards space travel(especially the writer in that article) This is a serious issue. Every time we send an astronaut up there, there should be a realistic mission, be it experimenting on space shuttle repairs, or assembling parts of the Space Station, not performing teh-tarik in space. It makes me wonder the country’s claim of being a space nation is just plain superficial. Not to mention our 50th Merdeka year was a year with so many problems, riots, protests, scandals...I’ve had enough complaining about our country, so please someone just point out something good from last year?? Now this should be somewhere u can rebutt me…If not, I just pray that voters (I believe I am highly unlikely to be able to vote for this elections, even though I’m supposed to be 21 this year…) would vote wisely and stop giving these dimwits more mandate to flaunt and oppress the people, I mean, look at it, MPs who talk without their brains (a.k.a the “Bocor” issue) and politicians who are in the state of denial, like our Information Minister… and also the good-for-nothing monkey of a SIL of the PM…I don’t care if he is an Oxford graduate… his actions show nothing but greed, inexperience, and malovence that shames the institution itself for producing such idiotic graduates…looks like going overseas never takes the monkey out of anyone…
So what can good can we expect from this year? Oh yea, Euro 2008(without England…I dun have much teams to watch and support, being a huge EPL fan) and Beijing Olympics…well, besides that, maybe the fact that my dog is now pregnant? I’m expecting for it to have a litter when I get back next time...therefore I would beg my siblings to take good care of her, and please do not call one of them Valentino…this is worse than having a name called Dick or Willy…oh ok, not that bad…but it sounds freaking gay!! I veto any possibility of calling it and I will happily accept anything other than that…so there
Oh great I feel the yawn…oh well that ends my rant for now…maybe some questions? So I may write something to amuse myself for the next post…gotta focuse on the trig derivative…I can’t imagine doing the intergrals later…

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

2007 Recap Part II

Immediately after the results was the moment where we had to apply for universities…I started off by enquiring whether about the re-application towards that university…and the reply was due to my pathetic results, I was no longer accepted. I was quite upset with my parents at that time because I had expected that would happen and I had let go of a golden chance to pursue my course…so therefore I had to think of another idea and tried something else…I knew USM and UPM had my course so I did what was most logical…and went to the school gathering to listen to the application process, but unfortunately I missed it and I was left out… but as I was a teaching staff in school, I used my free time to find the counsellor Siti and she gave me a personal session on how to apply for universities…Therefore I enquired about the chances of going to those places and was given advise to be more practical…and so it was a major reshuffle of my choices and it was something like UTM, UTHM, UTeMm, etc, etc…which apparently the two previously mentioned ones were in the middle… and I had a whole month to tinker with it…and besides that I had to prepare for the worse…(as all students would, given the unfairness in our education system…) I also applied to private universities like UTAR, MMU and UNITEN, and received favourable replies…in fact it was due to most students waiting for the response from local unis that I got what I wanted…I went to several educational fair after that…including the British Council in KLCC, and I had a great time there with my mom awestruck with me conversing with the Caucasians…(she thought I would be that sucker who showed his sour face in front of the NUS staff few weeks ago…) and most of the University staff were quite astounded with my IELTS, which was a 8.0 overall, (plus the fact that I’ve no practice, no workshops beforehand, and I had walked in that very day with no idea of what to expect…) but most of them encouraged me to apply and try my luck in UCAS...the results in the following month…and my parents encouraged me to go to MMU as it was more reputable than the rest and it was more flexible as I could respond to the government offer still after I’m there…so there I went…and spent a good time there…the orientation was awesome as we had to compete with the Melaka Campus…(CyberMMU rocks, minjie!! Bler!!) we obviously won…just that minjie never relented in this matter…and I got my government reply after that…and I got to do Robotics in UTHM…

What do you expect? It’s my favourite month…my birthday is in this month, obviously. So were the response at that time…from UCAS I got offers from Kingston University, Swansea, and University of Surrey, the latter even put in a form to apply for scholarship…so I was excited. Parents were not happy as the exchange rate was hurting…Previously after I got the government offer… I had to go to another gathering in school to meet seniors who were supposed to help us… it was spooky as the very first person I met at school was her, alone. Even worse was when I found out she got the same course as me, at the same university. My ex-classmates were quite thrilled with this piece of gossip and had I had a lot of problems with it later on…in fact I turned the offer down as I was still in MMU at that time…and I wasn’t going to somewhere better than that…so I just resumed where I was. The sucker punch was the fact that a lot of my classmates were heading to Singapore, including my bro Jordan, who got NUS Business Management…and well the jerk got what he wanted, obviously with that ridiculous achievement…as I have failed in the NUS-NTU applications…therefore we will not enquire about whether I got anything there or not…in fact that was the last time I saw her… and I have not heard anything about after that, not even a birthday greeting, as a reply for what I’ve done in the previous year. Oh well, I shouldn’t expect returns, should I? I was at home watching the Merdeka Celebrations for our supposedly 50th year of inderpendence…and honestly I wasn’t happy with the speeches made, as it reeked of racial discrimination and selfishness…I knew trouble would surface soon…

It was a quiet month, but not for the country…as soon the VK Lingam tape appeared, the Bar Council erupted…I saw the tape only yesterday from the source itself, and I could understand the hype…and soon it was protests and marches…which threw the country into further chaos…but little did I know what next month would bring…it was also the time where the Negara Ku song was debated and caused even more tensions…I felt ashamed in enjoying the song at the 1st place, but to say that the whole song was insulting, it was not. There were a few things in it that were true, and after listening to forums by several bodies, I found that there were as much supporters as there were dissenters. So there must be truth in the facts said inside the song. I must clarify that the lyrics about religion was not appropriate and was not supported by both camps…of the special rights…it was very obvious and seen, I wish I could be less political here, but it is obvious something is wrong, and people are flamed by the points made in this part of the song… I wish we had equal rights. Especially the 3rd generation of citizens here, like me. To shoo us back to our homeland is completely inconsiderate, the fact is, we are born and bred here, that makes us as much locals as anyone here is, and the fact is we have no homeland to go back to, and this makes me incensed that I’m being treated as a 3rd class citizen and an outlaw, it made me even sad as I’ve seen friends who were offered poor offers even they were National Top scorers, and people who get all Bs and yet got nothing at all, and the fact that the choices made were of less preferred fields…where is the justice in that? Not to mention the brain-drain, why would it not happen? As long as injustice continues to occur, the country will continue to deteriorate…until something is done to rectify this matter.

This was an interesting the Bersih Rally kicked off and made me truly impressed as people are willing to show dissent, finally. For every revolution, it will have bloodshed. People were tear-gassed, water-cannoned, beaten and arrested for this, and still they marched on. They did what they came to do, and it was a show of unity at the dissent of oppression of the current regime. It was even unnerving to see the coverage by the local media that was minimal…even my parents were not aware of it until I mentioned it. It was an awful display of oppression and ridicule by the half-past –six ministers and the spiteful mindless man who started all of this on international media. If we are to have fair elections, the opposition must be allowed to have equal coverage of the media. Countries like Australia, Britain and all the Democratic countries, even the US, gave the opposition freedom to campaign openly, citing that citizens are mature enough to decide their candidates. Even the most recent US presidential candidates were fed by questions from the public through Youtube, and they had to answer them on the spot, and you would see candidates having advertisements campaigning themselves without obstruction. Let the people decide, what is there to lose, except the fact of the party itself is so ‘kiasu’ that they would not relent in relinquishing their dominance to others, which is plain selfish and naïve. Would this ever happen in our country? As we are reckoned by them to be immature…it is hardly going to occur any time soon. Hindraf came soon after. Honestly I am awed by the bravery of these people to voice dissents of oppression, in fact many people, to point out my father himself, are still petrified by the May 13th incident. It was this that was mentioned several times by irresponsible people to threaten dissenters. People like my father do not realise that they are only here for another 20years or more…but youngsters like me however, will certainly live much longer than that, therefore it is crucial for us to decide and be well-informed of the changes in governance and be active members in deciding our own future…their fear should not pass into ourselves and affect our judgement. Something must be done.

Another quiet month…as it was filled with work and assignments given by my lecturers…barely had time to complete some and was filled to the brim…I was looking forward to the break we have for Christmas…I kept tabs with the happenings in the country and towards the response from the administration…and I have little good to say with the government as they were in denial of everything occurring, which proves of their incompetence and naivety, and I couldn’t agree more with several bloggers that quoted of changes that must be made, though not to the extent of being desperate…I was inttrupted briefly by her sudden appearance that month, where she msned me one afternoon for no apparent reason…therefore I had to engage in a somehow tasteless talk about her life after I last saw her, it ended with a sudden disconnection and well, that was it. Ghosts of the past never let you go, right?

It was all about awaiting for Christmas…and boy was it good. Me and my friends went to party at one of our houses and spent the whole night there, without sleep. It was all booze and games…DotA and CS. My friend, being a very up-to-date geek, displayed several new stuff for our entertainment, including the game Crysis, where its impressive features are still fresh in my mind, (though the maximum thingy did annoy me a lot) and I was exposed to Texas Hold ‘Em by him and end up being the biggest winner…after that we watched several movies like American Pie and American Pie 2…which I hope I will cover soon… given the time… it was also the day I was thrown into action of my cooking skills, whilst our friends were happily playing while me and another friend of mine did all the work…it kinda make me feel bad on the times we were watching tv while mom cooked…sorry mom!! But the dinner was great, and everyone was happy with what I did...and I was relieved. The following night we went for midnight stroll and had our dinner in the city, by ordering dishes and having a feast…it was a good three days…so good that I needed several days to recover from our party mood… Yesterday I went to watch the countdown with them… and was greeted by a display of fireworks, ushering the New Year.
Therefore, this sums up a year which I would like to quote from Queen Elizabeth, an “annus horribilis” or better known as a horrible year. I pray for the winds of change to help reform the country and help set the balance straight. I pray not for another following “annus terribilis”, 2007 was bad enough, let us leave it there, and start afresh everyone!!
Happy New Year!!