Saturday, July 18, 2009

Food for Thought

I sincerely apologize about the absence as well as the change in layout that caused several of the things I'm supposed to have to be gone from this blog. I'm still working on things based on the feedback from people, but somehow things recently have caused too much trauma for me to do so, maybe just today, I don't know. I'll rectify things as soon as I can.

No, I'm not dead.

It's just that even in the holidays, I find it hard to even do anything for the past three weeks. I had great hopes for it. But somehow nothing is working, and things just seem gloomier as it goes on.

Somehow it's like its a repeat of three years ago. When I made a fool out of myself over someone who isn't worth it. I argued and tried to see the good in her, wishing that she might even change for the better, willing to even accept whatever defects she had, and loved them all the same. How silly it was, because she was inconsistent, and would never have matched my expectations, she wasn't what I wanted, and I realized it last year and stopped caring after that. I promised myself I would wait and wait for someone worth my time.

I find it very amusing that people sometimes take me word for word, and that my words are more of a fact than a statement. But there are times that I would tell a white lie, and say it just for the fun of it. Sometimes I say it as a test of character, sometimes I say it because the timing isn't right at all.

I told myself I had to be patient if I had to go through this again, but saying it is hardly easier than done. While looking at the rows of online people on the right hand screen of my Messenger, I noticed that the people who I can actually seek solace from are hardly there. Maybe Bryan's right, I do lack people of that standard, maybe I am that unpopular, and my friends are hardly there for me, even I'm always behind them. But even if I do so, I mustn't automatically expect them to return my favour. Sometimes people just take you for granted. Just like this person did, probably.

It's not the 1st time I've been through this, but every time when a person does this to me, it's like taking a part of me away from me, and I feel less and less of a person I am previously. I became more and more skeptical towards people, always suspecting their motives and question their intent. Then the next person after this bears the brunt of my past, and it goes on and on, until I wonder how much more humane I would have left at the end of it. How much can I take? How long will that take to reach there?

Two weeks ago I was sitting in her apartment, returning from a trip to Woolies, and being served with wine-soaked glutinous rice balls, and some leftovers from her fridge. She kept apologizing for being such a bad host, but everything tasted wonderful all the same. We sat and played and talked all evening together and everything seemed wonderful and well. I was looking at someone I might consider, seriously.

A week later we were talking about Hahnndorf and it's delicacy and we somehow agreed that we might go to the Harvest Festival of Barossa Valley next year. I made plans and even made notes about what I should do or plan to keep things together in preperation for next semester, probably a step forward.

This week I hear chilliness of words, denials for affection, and sometimes silence.

All of this, in a matter of weeks. And I haven't even confessed.

Doesn't that sound familiar?

I do not blame her or anyone. I just noticed that this is always the case with me, from good friends to very close friends and then just when you thought that you might just step it up and make something out of it, it just snaps and you end up with nothing.

I find that today I lack the strength to even say anything. I was considering inviting her to Minarto or Murray River with the gang and somehow try to include her with a lot of things, but I just stopped from asking when she was busy with her enrolment. The idea of her being anxious to focus on studies just send cold ripples over my over-enthusiastic nature and I subdued myself into silence. I just don't know what to do anymore.

She probably has a different idea on how friends work and I probably misinterpreted her ways in a way I shouldn't have. Nothing I do pleases her anymore, I just felt the lack of encouragement rather sapping and my morale just went downhill. Now, even at the sight of having a chance, I just felt like backing off.

I know very well from the start, that I could and would sacrifice everything, and even once mentioned putting down her just to get through this semester. God sure knows how to work in mysterious ways, and I felt that I somehow exchanged something worth as much at the other for something that is equally important. I cannot complain, for if I didn't do well, she wouldn't even be considered. I know that now I can consider, but will she consider me?

I don't know you ever read this. But I just felt like saying, you are the light that shines through the gloom that casts over me. And having you further away is like taking away the very warmth that I only have at this cold and dry place. I miss everything we once had and I wish things weren't considered in such a complex manner. I always felt like I'm the only person who is trying to work things out, but I really wonder how much emphasis do you put on us as well? Do you even care or appreciate the things I once did? Or was it just a matter of convenience? I need to know, for I know that not knowing is just going to prolong my pain. Probably I should've said it when I had the chance. But I felt the fear of losing you too much to bear that I would rather wait and keep you as a friend than to have you avoid me. I care too much and think too much now to do anything, and I just hope that you could just let me know where and what we should do now, or I should just walk away and leave a part of me behind.

I know I won't be any kinder than I once was now. I hope you could prove me wrong.