Tuesday, May 26, 2009


Side note: I'm writing this in the midst of an overdue assignment. The algebra is killing me. Someone tell me that conics is the hardest part of this subject. I can't bear to face another crazier thing than that!

I'm trying to compile a post on Amalfi's soon. But not any time soon.

I wanted to type this in Chinese because I felt it was more appropriate with the theme. But the lab computers are in English, dang.

They say, that autumn is a time for reminiscience. I guess it's hard not to be reminded of the old times whenever you see browning leaves fall from the trees, depicting that time has passed and things die and regrow as Spring thaws the chillness of Winterl I used to think I was an autumn person. But I found Spring more pleasant and cooling and cheerful, minus the rain. Yesterday night, a peculiar dream came to me and I felt it was so true that I had a hard time waking up.

I imagined myself back in Form 6, and somehow in charge of small booklet regarding my class, the life in Form 6 as a whole. In the team with me were my monitor Andrew, Jia-Ee, myself and her. That was what I imagined. Now, I know I'm not supposed to mention her again, but she came to my mind yesterday night. I was living my past once again.

I had faint views of what I did, but I remember she begged me to help her resize the articles she posted, and all I did was to give reasons and rejected helping her and told her not to rely on me. There was no Wei Li, no unpleasant people in my class, I was being cold to her like what I'm used to do now. She seemed resiggned and somehow mentioned that is what I am right now to her.

I also recalled having a lot to do with adding details, and even recall someone in my class writing about her regrets: "Not to be naive and give yourself to someone blindly" I guess some people know who I was mentioning it was a black page with a heart and those words. Simple but I remember stopping at the moment after compiling it with Andrew. Saying that we have more to do and that what we did today was good progress. Then, I woke up, tired.

Pondering all my way to class, I felt an urge to call someone and talk to them about my dream, but the more I thought about how preposterous it was, the more reluctant I wanted to call anyone. I recall swearing to Terence if I ever think about her again, he could punch me. I guess I'm nothing more than him thinking about his cheating girlfriend. What right do I have to lecture him of who should and shouldn't he like?

She still haunts me, but I have no feelings for her, not anymore. Instead, the immidiate response I had was to think about people who cared about me, I wish they were here now. Someone I had called every time I had problems with her. But that person is too far away now, with a boyfriend, a tough course, and my phone bills have warned me to show restraint. Not even my most avid reader, was around on MSN or FB to talk to. Where are you?

Then I thought about another person. Someone new in my life. We knew each other for more than a year now, and I've observed her for a very very long time. We always kept in touch whenever we can and we seemed to click on naturally. I would always be the person teasing her and trying to make her pissed, while I giggle in glee as she looked adorable with that pouting face. We shared a lot of things, I think I know more of her than her most avid suitors.

She always complains to me about how irritating those people around her who are now aware that she has just gone single, and have made great lengths to pursue her hand. One even waited for her two hours past midnight just to give her her birthday present, he would even come frequently to her apartment and try to accompany her, but she thinks it's unnerving and giving her a headaches. When she told him she wanted him to stay away from her for a month. He immidiately set an alarm "1/31" for himself, I think it's "4/31" now. It creeps her.

Deja vu? Somebody used to have such problems.

On the other hand, I only brought her to Cocolat just because she mentioned she would love to have a cake and a candle on top of it for her 21st birthday. (I was like hey, you're 21, it's a big eal right?) It's been a long time since I have gone great lengths to do something nice to someone.

From what I sound, I have a fondness for her. I do not deny this. There were times we talk as if we are in the gray zone and one second I would snap her out of it and tell her to dream on as if I would want her. it would piss her off and once she even called to yell at me for fooling around with her and demanded answers. I just kept pushing and pushing her away, knowing that on the other hand, it was the other way inside. She seemed right sometimes, she seemed not right sometimes. I don't know, I'm confused.

She's from a different country, a different culture, and a different background. I don't really find that hard but I recall my mother being somehow objective to her countrymen, calling them cheats and swindlers and I have great doubts how keen my mom would be having the prospect of me being with her. I know I shouldn't, I shouldn't even write this since it isn't constructive and good for myself as a whole, especially now my priority is my studies, and nothing but my studies. Thus another problem roots itself out and I find myself having more commitments than I thought I have. But Mom, please understand, if I don't get this out of my system, I never would and in turn it affects my studies. It's like extracting pus out of a pimple.

I sound like its a one-sided affair like I used to have. But I wondered why she has this strong notion of always trying to please me. I once mentioned that she dresses to shabbily. Remember the Cocolat issue? She changed massively and looked more in style than she used to, and demanded if I was pleased with how she looked now. (Actually I said, hmm, not too bad. As always, she flipped mad :p) She would also always complain why I have a bad outlook on her, as she thinks she is a very very nice companion. Then I would criticize her again and again until she throws a tauntrum and sigh, another round of comforting occurs. It has always been like that for the past one year, in the midst of her being with another person, and while she was recuperating from the break-up.

Two weeks ago, she came over and made me help her with her assignment on writing. It was very embarassing since my friend was around and I was dotA-ing with him. She would then sit beside me and wave her hand, distract me as much as she could, well causing us to lose. I would then help her with everything until she was happy enough to leave me alone, and sitting beside me the whole afternoon. I think it was hard not to presume anything that afternoon, as our plays became live and my friend had a full view on how I talked to her, he even quipped during dinner how suspicious we look, while I had to buy him dinner to shut him up. Sigh. He did mention we complement each other well though, and our conversations were amusing. Hahaha. Not a good sign.

What does it have to do with my dream? Last night was once where we talked short and she was busy with her work. She sounded mysterious and busy and didn't say much with everything we used to talk about. I went to bed early unsatied, feeling on the other side of where I was. The dream came as if to remind me where I was before, and how far I've come after 3 years of getting up. Is it worth it to go into it once more, in the midst of a critical moment? Even if I did, would it be welcomed? Or would it cause more trouble as before like all her past relationships where the men fell badly and somehow, it made her look bad. But that is all my excessive opinions, which is not fair to her at all.

I guess I have to leave it to her that she will have a month to deal with her stalking admirer and leave it to me to really make it through, maybe then, I might reconsider my situation.

Till then, I am at a standout.

Now, I really feel like doing my Algebra, die Conics sections!!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Being insignificant to you, am I?

Today, I exercise my right of speech.

I shall talk about a particular person (Oh god this is an emo post, be warned if you wanted to read some random quirky stuff, this is not the post, you can go away and be entertained by other channels of entertainment) who just now said something shockingly disturbing that I have never heard in my entire life.

It happened when yesterday, I went to have my usual breakfast in a fast food outlet, (Not going to mention which one since that means I want to claim advertisment money, which I will not.) where standing in front of me in line was this person I knew for quite some time. I haven't met her in months and therefore I felt reluctant to tap her shoulder and act like what Terence likes to do, "Hey, mofo!" "Wazzap, pundex!!" something similiar, for a simple reason, I am not him.
Therefore I calmed myself because she didn't notice and well moved to the other line when there was space. After taking my order I had to wait, and somehow she saw me and I was obliged to give her a simple smile and a nod since I didn't want to be branded as rude, but I didn't walk over and said hi or anything, and took my meal and went to get a seat. I didn't see her after that since she didn't had hers in the restaurant and went out with a guy beside her, presumably her new partner.

I felt guilty for being rude at the first place, and well thought I would apologize and explain the 1st minute I could, therefore I sent a IM to explain to her about what happened.

What I got was quite surprising.

I said hello and she said what do you want.

I said I'm sorry about yesterday and I hope you didn't mind because I wasn't in a good state of mood to talk or anything since I had a test coming up later. I didn't mean to be rude or anything.
She replied and said it wasn't a huge concern, since I was a ?????????????? (Translation: A "friend" which is not much of a concern to her.)

I was stunned. Ouch.

Anyway before any of you start to jump to conclusions that I like this person and somehow this is a repeat of that bitch in KL, this is not. But the conclusion seems similiar.

They are of the same species.

I thought I would never meet another again, turns out they're in abundance.

We met Spring of 07 when I 1st came and enrolled into the program. As any male species would be concerned, we would start to catergorize the fairer sex and somehow gauge how we are going to survive in the enviroment given. I noticed her as she was of the better-looking ones amongst a horde of girls who looked like they jumped off the ship being smuggled from the Mainland. So as usual I kept an eye on her and made mental notes on she would behave, how is she like, etc. It is typical for me to gauge a person's behavior before I move on to the other phase. So please do not brand me as a stalker or a sexist as this is my way of not getting myself hurt or hurting anyone by talking or getting to know someone.

As days moved on, she did catch my attention with all sorts of situations like being late, dressed someone to get attention (loud colours, scantily, not always tasteful though) and her lack of female friends, unlike the normal typical girls to be moving in groups, I would see her walk with men and be surrounded by them, therefore my thoughts of this person would increase. But I didn't say too much and wasn't going to be able to be introduced to her as we are not of the same faculty or course. So I did, for a time, felt a certain enigma of this person and was attracted for a brief period.

Things ended when on the day when I saw one of my classmates holding her hand and walking around with it for six months. My 1st reaction was to walk into the toilet to catch a breath about this abrupt incident and with the fact that I was still nursing my wounds from my previous situation, this was nothing compared to the annoyance I felt earlier therefore things got cut off immediately, clean and swift. I accepted that it was not my piece of karma.

My thoughts drifted towards work and things piled more and more. It was during the final exams that something happened.

I was on the bus heading towards my 2nd last paper and I was going to be late. The bus, to my surprise, instead of turning right into North Terrace, went to Grenfell Street and I started to panic and wonder if I was on the wrong bus. Just at that moment I felt a tug on my waist, and she was standing behind me looking at me with the same question, I didn't notice her until then and made the response of getting off the next stop and tagged her along. I didn't thought about anything but the fact that she was my classmate, It is not in my nature be an ass like what people usually do. Therefore both of us started to run, drama-like to the hall and somehow it was of the oddest of occasions, we met.

We didn't talk much until the winter trip me, Terence, Jeremy and Wilson made. And Jeremy told me that she was there at the same place we were and somehow he invited her to join us on the tours we made, along with Terence's friends. Jeremy, being the cunning one, took a row for himself and slept, while Wilson was kept busy by Terence's friend, and who was also his senior in school. Therefore, I was stuck with her, again. So we sat on the same row, and had a trip together to Philip Island. How ironic. I AM NOT JOKING.

The trip was those exciting ones where you never knew what would happen like me jumping off the usual plank roads to take pictures of penguins which are actually illegal, and also the "Good Job" incident. It was actually my fault as I had a picture taken with her and the person who took it was nosy enough to ask where I was from and I told him where we were from and his response to me was "Good Job!!" wtf. Meaning he presumed us as a couple and went ahead leaving us embarassed. Later it became a joke for all my friends when someone is rumoured to be with someone we would go good job with them =.= I was never left alone with that.
Ok after that was on the trip one of our conversations were about her relationship, and she wasn't happy about it. Therefore being a person who was just getting over one, I went ahead and comforted and supported her since I know how bad one of these things are. So we eventually became good friends who shared personal problems and we would talk for hours on IM and have similiarities. It started to sound like I was going somewhere after all with this person, than my usual presumption.

Then one day Jeremy told me a huge news. He told me about the break up between them and I was the first person she went to for advise. Later on I spent a lot of time talking and giving her moral support and tried to convince her she wasn't that bad of a person to be dumped by him, and things do happen like that. She told me she even wanted to changefor the better and I stood by her side and gave her support. That was when not a lot of people were aware of the situation and most of them were gleefully pointing and jeering at her, since she wasn't popular with the female community.

By the end of the year we were occasional friends who would talk and say hi and it was going nowhere, unlike what my friends thought I would. It was during the trip that I realized that she wasn't the girl for me. As she was the type where I would frown upon, thinking that relationship is the only thing in her life. I felt a certain level of naivety and her typical nationalistic views bothered me a lot. She seemed like a bad fit, and I was prepared to shelve her to the friendship category when I started to see streaks of her bad personality.

She was nothing like the sweet, innocent (or at least looking like one) person that I first knew, she had a problem that spooked me, that was her tongue. Unlike me, I was sarcastic, and even though sometimes I would sound blunt and unforgiving, my actions will not be so and eventually what I do speaks louder than my words, as most of my friends would know. But hers, was a different level. She would say things without thinking and most of the things she says hurts you in a way that I have not felt before. It was really bad, like when I had to repeat a paper and I was sounding a little dejected and she went: " What the hell were you thinking." I used to presume that she was setting high standards for me and felt sorry for dissapointing that her. But it turns out she does this quite often and it became more and more intolerable. I stopped talking to her after some time.

As of today, we are moving further away from each other and she came back from China with a new companion who seemingly was willing to indulge in her needs and over-reliance. I wasn't going to respond like what I used to, since I have gotten over her. I still treated her as friend and I was willing to lend a hand if she needed one, I was still her friend, but uncalled for. So I had no hard feelings for her, but what she said to me today was unforgivable. That all I have done for the past few months have been shoved aside, and I was remembered for being a person who didn't greet her for breakfast.

I wonder if she asked herself who was there to lend her moral support when she was at her lowest ebb? I wonder if she ever remembered who never questioned her background and took her in without a single question about why she was different from other girls. I wonder if she remembered who didn't look at her differently when she told him she lost her virginity to her ex because she thought she could trust him? I wonder if she remembered who kept the secret tightly that nobody knew? I wonder, does she, with all her grace and might, remember who was a friend when she needed one, and does that person deserve what she dealt to him? All because of a change of status, does one person shove away those who once stood beside you, calling them insignificant?

One day, you will fall back into that pit that you once had, and at that moment in time, no one will be there to guide you out of it. Not even me I wouldn't. I've seen and known what you did to me today, and I will repay this when this arises. Do not blame me. I am being what you were, insignificant.