Remeniscience

Side note: I'm writing this in the midst of an overdue assignment. The algebra is killing me. Someone tell me that conics is the hardest part of this subject. I can't bear to face another crazier thing than that!

I'm trying to compile a post on Amalfi's soon. But not any time soon.

I wanted to type this in Chinese because I felt it was more appropriate with the theme. But the lab computers are in English, dang.

They say, that autumn is a time for reminiscience. I guess it's hard not to be reminded of the old times whenever you see browning leaves fall from the trees, depicting that time has passed and things die and regrow as Spring thaws the chillness of Winterl I used to think I was an autumn person. But I found Spring more pleasant and cooling and cheerful, minus the rain. Yesterday night, a peculiar dream came to me and I felt it was so true that I had a hard time waking up.

I imagined myself back in Form 6, and somehow in charge of small booklet regarding my class, the life in Form 6 as a whole. In the team with me were my monitor Andrew, Jia-Ee, myself and her. That was what I imagined. Now, I know I'm not supposed to mention her again, but she came to my mind yesterday night. I was living my past once again.

I had faint views of what I did, but I remember she begged me to help her resize the articles she posted, and all I did was to give reasons and rejected helping her and told her not to rely on me. There was no Wei Li, no unpleasant people in my class, I was being cold to her like what I'm used to do now. She seemed resiggned and somehow mentioned that is what I am right now to her.

I also recalled having a lot to do with adding details, and even recall someone in my class writing about her regrets: "Not to be naive and give yourself to someone blindly" I guess some people know who I was mentioning it was a black page with a heart and those words. Simple but I remember stopping at the moment after compiling it with Andrew. Saying that we have more to do and that what we did today was good progress. Then, I woke up, tired.

Pondering all my way to class, I felt an urge to call someone and talk to them about my dream, but the more I thought about how preposterous it was, the more reluctant I wanted to call anyone. I recall swearing to Terence if I ever think about her again, he could punch me. I guess I'm nothing more than him thinking about his cheating girlfriend. What right do I have to lecture him of who should and shouldn't he like?

She still haunts me, but I have no feelings for her, not anymore. Instead, the immidiate response I had was to think about people who cared about me, I wish they were here now. Someone I had called every time I had problems with her. But that person is too far away now, with a boyfriend, a tough course, and my phone bills have warned me to show restraint. Not even my most avid reader, was around on MSN or FB to talk to. Where are you?

Then I thought about another person. Someone new in my life. We knew each other for more than a year now, and I've observed her for a very very long time. We always kept in touch whenever we can and we seemed to click on naturally. I would always be the person teasing her and trying to make her pissed, while I giggle in glee as she looked adorable with that pouting face. We shared a lot of things, I think I know more of her than her most avid suitors.

She always complains to me about how irritating those people around her who are now aware that she has just gone single, and have made great lengths to pursue her hand. One even waited for her two hours past midnight just to give her her birthday present, he would even come frequently to her apartment and try to accompany her, but she thinks it's unnerving and giving her a headaches. When she told him she wanted him to stay away from her for a month. He immidiately set an alarm "1/31" for himself, I think it's "4/31" now. It creeps her.

Deja vu? Somebody used to have such problems.

On the other hand, I only brought her to Cocolat just because she mentioned she would love to have a cake and a candle on top of it for her 21st birthday. (I was like hey, you're 21, it's a big eal right?) It's been a long time since I have gone great lengths to do something nice to someone.

From what I sound, I have a fondness for her. I do not deny this. There were times we talk as if we are in the gray zone and one second I would snap her out of it and tell her to dream on as if I would want her. it would piss her off and once she even called to yell at me for fooling around with her and demanded answers. I just kept pushing and pushing her away, knowing that on the other hand, it was the other way inside. She seemed right sometimes, she seemed not right sometimes. I don't know, I'm confused.

She's from a different country, a different culture, and a different background. I don't really find that hard but I recall my mother being somehow objective to her countrymen, calling them cheats and swindlers and I have great doubts how keen my mom would be having the prospect of me being with her. I know I shouldn't, I shouldn't even write this since it isn't constructive and good for myself as a whole, especially now my priority is my studies, and nothing but my studies. Thus another problem roots itself out and I find myself having more commitments than I thought I have. But Mom, please understand, if I don't get this out of my system, I never would and in turn it affects my studies. It's like extracting pus out of a pimple.

I sound like its a one-sided affair like I used to have. But I wondered why she has this strong notion of always trying to please me. I once mentioned that she dresses to shabbily. Remember the Cocolat issue? She changed massively and looked more in style than she used to, and demanded if I was pleased with how she looked now. (Actually I said, hmm, not too bad. As always, she flipped mad :p) She would also always complain why I have a bad outlook on her, as she thinks she is a very very nice companion. Then I would criticize her again and again until she throws a tauntrum and sigh, another round of comforting occurs. It has always been like that for the past one year, in the midst of her being with another person, and while she was recuperating from the break-up.

Two weeks ago, she came over and made me help her with her assignment on writing. It was very embarassing since my friend was around and I was dotA-ing with him. She would then sit beside me and wave her hand, distract me as much as she could, well causing us to lose. I would then help her with everything until she was happy enough to leave me alone, and sitting beside me the whole afternoon. I think it was hard not to presume anything that afternoon, as our plays became live and my friend had a full view on how I talked to her, he even quipped during dinner how suspicious we look, while I had to buy him dinner to shut him up. Sigh. He did mention we complement each other well though, and our conversations were amusing. Hahaha. Not a good sign.

What does it have to do with my dream? Last night was once where we talked short and she was busy with her work. She sounded mysterious and busy and didn't say much with everything we used to talk about. I went to bed early unsatied, feeling on the other side of where I was. The dream came as if to remind me where I was before, and how far I've come after 3 years of getting up. Is it worth it to go into it once more, in the midst of a critical moment? Even if I did, would it be welcomed? Or would it cause more trouble as before like all her past relationships where the men fell badly and somehow, it made her look bad. But that is all my excessive opinions, which is not fair to her at all.

I guess I have to leave it to her that she will have a month to deal with her stalking admirer and leave it to me to really make it through, maybe then, I might reconsider my situation.

Till then, I am at a standout.


Now, I really feel like doing my Algebra, die Conics sections!!