Sunday, February 17, 2013

I'm back, maybe.

It's been like, 2, 3 years since I've touched this blog?

I kept asking myself why did I let go of such an amazing outlet of my random thoughts go into waste?

Then I remembered why, it was because of someone I cared.

A few years ago this person, let's call her X begged me to pull off a blog post regarding my opinion on someone whom she has just recently broken up with. The person was completely oblivious of my piece and yet she decided it was inappropriate and a breach of trust for me to use it as something to share on the internet.

The incident gave me a mental trauma that I had writers' block and couldn't continue with writing because I was too scared to hurt someone.

Fast forward a few years later here I am, in the same situation, not yet resolved. 

In these few years that same person has moved on, gotten herself attached to his best friend and gotten hurt in the most unimaginable way by that same person and while at it, hurt probably the only person in the world that is truly concerned about her well-being besides her only parent.


My friends have graduated, some of the them are getting married, having jobs, living the life a normal 26 yr old should be getting at this stage. Some of them even have kids, naturally or through unplanned circumstances, and there I am, back at the same situation I have left this blog a few years ago.

In fact there is only one word I can tell myself over and over again every night.


I am not afraid to say this out loud because I should've done better throughout my tertiary education. And yet I have chose to waste my time on things that don't really matter. In fact I have let myself down physically and mentally to the extent where I have gone against many of my ideals, my principles and even my beliefs all because I thought I could make a difference in protecting someone I care about. 

In the end, for what?

She is still the same person, still hoping the person she has laid her heart on his feet to give her what she thinks he should give her. No matter how many times this person has shattered, spat and defiled her innermost wishes. She has not realized that at the end of her journey, she stands in the boulevard of broken dreams. 

Not to mention breaking the heart of someone she clearly knows has her best interest at heart. 

I admit I was really tempted once when she was drunk and vulnerable and yet all I did was wipe the tears off her eyes and tried to protect her from the rabid wolf that wanted to take her away because he didn't have to guts to admit they were in a relationship for 2 years, can you believe that?

After that all he did was to discredit, sabotage and even went on to provoke and insult me publicly for something he knows he should have handled it better. There were times I have lost control at the spur of the moment and then stopped because I know the consequences, and for her sake. 

I have lost my pride, my dignity and my friends in the process, someone even yelled in my face for spoiling his mood when I needed someone to help my sister who was in a terrible accident. Until now I chose to let go of that friend, because I realized he would never side me, knowing his relationship was the labour of the person's effort. I chose to move on and not allow myself any chinks in the armor in order to protect myself, and also those around me who will unknowingly be the victim of an opportunity.

Last year after the turmoil, he left the shores of the place everything started and went back to where he came before, after all the bragging he made to about him being a graduate and having second upper class in Electrical Engineering did not secure him any career opportunities within the country. I like to think that even the employers saw him as an irresponsible, ignorant son of a bitch that does not have the gumption to take the problem by its horns nor aperture for being a man. 

While she moved on to another city, trying to move on and let go of the past, including me. Unfortunately she didn't and when she had made another of her usual clutter-minded mistakes, she turned to the only person she knows would save her. 

I admit that I shouldn't have given in, but I understood that I wanted to. Post-X was me inviting a girl that I didn't love to dinner, being asked tons of questions about my private life, my family and even to the extent of being stalked through Facebook because she thought she had a chance with me. Eventually I declined by severing ties and refusing to meet her up even when nobody remembered my birthday.

Unknowingly I had also been approached by another girl who was completely obsessed with me. In which I painfully tried to place myself in a position where I tried to move on, and I realized that she wasn't what I wanted, albeit how easily it was for her to give in to my whims and fancies. I realized how similiar I was to him, and how disgusting it felt when someone you didn't love loved you. I had to let go, I don't know how, but I will do it eventually. 

People in the past have also moved on:

The bastard that I have mentioned in my past, has received his judgement. He dropped out after losing concentration in his studies, refused an alternate arrangement as is currently doing odd jobs where he can find. The girl has then moved on to cling herself onto a rich fella that she doesn't like and yet settles with it while wishing her dream man will finally come to her. Good riddance.

Besides that I have had to cut off all ties with my past because of one misunderstanding, and some of those I have reluctantly cut out of the same reason as the friend above. I cannot have chinks in my armor. 

Sometimes I wish life was simple where 1 plus 1 is 2 and those who sinned should have asteroids being launched at them and them getting squashed by it instead on those poor Russians. Then again, who hasn't sinned? Everyone would be dead by now.

I doubt anyone will be reading this still, and yet I find this very comforting. Knowing the safest place is back here.

Right now I am troubled by the sudden absence she has made recently, after months of getting back in touch and even her suggestion of coming back to see me during the break. I guess everything was just a dream after all. She never really put my best interests' at heart does she?

Someone said I will be rid of my misfortune by 30, I do hope that I will do well then, 10 years of bad luck is bad enough. But I believe in my making my own fortune, and I hope I will.