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Saturday, January 10, 2009

Enough

January 10th 2009.

This marks the 1st time entry of a new chapter.

I wish to make this a permanent reminder, therefore I will make this clear to myself:

1. I will not look into the past, instead look towards the future and how it is going to shape things around us. Nothing in this world is stagnant for too long.

2. I will understand the limits of my powers and realize that with my current influence nothing seismic can shift the balance, until i develop the wings to do so, I will bear the brunt. I can complain, but I cannot change it, yet.

3. I will swallow all the guilt and see to it that this is the best it goes. I have flunked 3 years of my life, it should stop now. Not for the sake of not helping others fail utterly, but not giving myself more frustrations in the future.

4. I will stand my stead and hold on towards the bitter end. Drudgery is what makes miracles come true. Without the sheer force of willpower, nothing would've been done. I must hold on and make it through.

5. I have to take charge of my life. Bragging rights have to be earned. Right now I have nothing, I should start earning my spurs now.

6. Destruction of others is futile, gives no advantage, no leverage. Living better than others is the best way you can repay their spite.

7.Stop talking and do more. It takes action to make things come true.

8. Stop thinking and do more. Thinking helps judgement, too much thinking wastes time.

I guess that's all I can remember now.

I will remove every piece of scrap of her from my memory, leaving nothing. Finito.

I only require a small request from all my friends who read this: Remind me time to time. I may forget, and I hope I will move on from this point. 6 years ago I made a turnpoint in my life, I can do it again.

Life is too precious to be wasted so. But I have better things to look after.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

W-H-O-R-E

The one thing I hate most about myself, besides my fugly face and seemingly un-vanish-able spare tyres around my waist, is my ability to predict accurately about things that I don’t want to.

I think most of my friends can relate to me saying some things that somehow turn out to be exactly the case. Yiyang even once tried to cash in on my premonitions by asking me what I would think about the soccer teams he should bet on for that week. Unfortunately I couldn’t predict them, and he eventually gave up on it. But still, about the bad stuff, I could just always manage to get them, each and every time.

In this case, I once loudly predicted about her and that piece of junk being a short-term affair that wouldn’t last a single moment longer than a year. In that case it didn’t, and well it wasn’t a happy thing. But it still happened, but it wasn’t to any of my advantage, as I was doing what everybody was doing, not giving a shit about what she’s going through, as she is only desperate for attention, the whore.

You see, I knew this was coming, but I never thought she would just lose it that easily. I guess my words did made an impact on her, I wanted the adverse effect of telling her off to get laid (PS: I was the anon in the post, I admit it.)and in this case, she got herself laid anyway with someone she didn’t want at all.

With all the things she’s done, I had expected that she would’ve given it all out already. I was somehow wrong at first and I wished I was. I was told, that she would never give herself up to anyone but her spouse, well that was her pathetic and na├»ve thinking then. It did make an impression on me that she was determined and principled, and that she was not as sleazy as what people say about her. I was wrong, totally wrong. I wished and wished that I she would at least keep her promise and at least give me a small reason to cheer about her. Oh well, she’s done a Britney.

I guess conceiving wouldn’t be far away. I should get prepared about wedding cards showing up my doors as well as seeing baby pictures soon.

Like I said, it’s nothing surprising to see a whore finally acting like a whore.
I wanted to feel the tinge of sadness or melancholy about the past, but none came. Instead little streaks of anguish and disappointment came at what I thought was a lament of a lost soul. I badly wanted someone to talk to right now and at least tell me what I’ve done wrong to save someone from falling down the pit? I don’t want her, I just want to let myself be at peace and at least do not let me see her fall from grace. But now it’s too late, can you blame me mom, for trying to help my sister? I don’t wish to see her treading the same road as her. I want to at least,
make a difference to those around me.

I guess I wasn’t as open as I thought I was.

I have tears welling up my eyes. But no tears will come out from this cold heart of mine. I knew this was coming. The manner and timing was what surprised me.
I don’t want to listen to “it’s not worth it” comments. I have better time to do than get myself even more upset with words like that. She could’ve been worth it, she wasted herself away.

I am a failure, yet again. At this moment, lonliness sweeps in. Where are you, friend?