AnNoYeD

This has been the worst day since my entrance into Uni, not just because I made myself sore by overexertion from badminton yesterday, I had to rush for another dinner appointment when my dear friend called me an hour before that, talk about running, I had to dash back to get everything done and then rush out again, and probably ended up an hour late, but thank god the people understood forgave me for that…and ended up late at night playing Bridge, new card game which I find quite interesting. But the moment I woke up today, I knew today is going to be a bad day.
Anyway, to cheer me up, I went over my music directory and ransacked a few songs and had them on just to make me ignore my overwhelming sores. There was one particularly interesting song that I had it on for like an hour non-stop, and even looked for its lyrics just to completely understand the whole thing. It was David Tao’s Zhi Dao Zhi Yan De Bei Ju or How Long, lyrics as follows:

陶喆-自导自演的悲剧

就像早就知道

一个故事所有情节

却是四处问一别人
熟悉感觉

我们心已了解
这出戏不该再见

却没有拒绝
我看着你对着空气作表情

没有对手的戏场又一场
你只好一个人对镜头笑

如果我真心爱你该有快乐结局
怪我不懂珍惜

把你推向他

我来不及改变结局

这是我自导自演的悲剧

自导自演的悲剧

那是什么动力

为何还要由而不屈

事情变得两害使人重复过去

毕竟有种美丽

爱越苦就越刺激

最后想像了意义

我看着你对着空气作表情

对手的戏场又一场

你只好一个人对镜头笑

如果我真心爱你该有快乐结局

怪我不懂珍惜

把你推向他

我来不及改变结局

这是我自导自演的悲剧

如果我真心爱你能否改变结局

还是不懂珍惜又搁在以前

我来不及改变结局这是

自导自演的悲剧

是你是我

只能怪自己

I have highlighted the several sentences that really bugged me (as they perfectly reflect what I had in the past) and I still cannot believe it has been two years after that, and I can still remember everything as fresh as it was yesterday. I really do hate myself for all of the problems I have bought upon myself, and I will, never, ever forgive myself for being stuck in this rut. Not even having her, nor any magnitude of destroying him would suffice. I am truly, my own director my worst enemy.
Something came across my mind that I think I should address, as even my own parents have serious doubts towards their own son, not to mention the amount of suspicions and discussions that have been around me for a long, long time. Therefore, I wish to declare myself:
I am NOT gay.
I have no interest in the same sex.
I am perfectly heterosexual with healthy appetites towards women, though I rarely show and have a small amount of girl-friends only.
I’m not surprised being branded a homosexual. In fact just recently, one of the questions the girls forwarded to me was this: “Are u gay?” Which made me speechless, after the shock I firmly replied: “No, I’m not.”
It has never been a question to me, unlike my siblings, towards the question of sexuality. I knew early on I would not like to be the one to be screwed, and nor would I be attracted to a gender that has the exact same organs that I have.
But, arguments would defer towards my characteristics and usually mistake them as me being a gay person.
1. I have unnaturally thin radius and ulna…which means my wrist are as thin as, if not thinner than a girls’. I have been asked by my Taekwondo instructor how on Earth a guy like me would have such weak wrists, and suggested I would be more of a gentle arts’ person, rather than ripping up people’s head and kicking some crotches in Taekwondo. Here’s a photo of it:

WTH??!! are those girl's hands?

that is my hand, please believe it

Thousand-armed GuanYin's hand signs..omg

this is what usually happens unconciously...super gay

2. I have an unnaturally high pitched voice. Yes, everyone who knew me would notice that my voice is surprisingly gay, despite my size. Due to this, I have been mistaken as a girl in phone calls countless times that sometimes, I would play on and act like one, but that was for fun. With my voice, I also made it into the Tenor group in choir, which is a higher vocal range for men, instead of the normal Base or Baritone. Usually that group consists of very ladylike males and self professed homosexuals, I get along with them well but I was never someone who would scream at the top of my lungs(except for the part I had to do in the International Choral Festival) and bitch around like a girl. I would, usually sit down and learn my songs and discuss with my friends while keeping an eye on her as she fools around. I enjoyed my time in choir, as it gave me a chance to voice out, and enjoy being in control of melody. I am proud of my voice, instead of those tone deaf nitwits who croak feebly and believe they can sing, oh, how I wish I could strangle those guys!!!

International Choral Festival (a place with hot Estonian Babes)

State-Level Competition
3. My interests are surprisingly gay. Yes, I read books, I cook and I like to shop around with my mom. Explaining the third one 1st, as it sounds so wrong…I would usually go out with my mom, and end up picking shoes or dresses for her. I would not just sit down like those ahpeks or lengchais, who look bored and annoyed while their wives of girlfriends wander around their fairyland. Instead, I would select a few pairs of shoes I would think that were suitable for my mom, and she would take my advice and buy them, not because I force her to, but they were really good ones that would fit her properly, u can ask her to confirm that, and u can’t blame me for having good tastes. (I admit I do blast my mom when she tries to overdo herself, and sometimes imagine what I think would be suitable for “her”). I have annoyed a lot of guys by being a history freak, and present ideas that to most of the guys sound gay, and therefore I am usually thought of as a homosexual, to their shock when I showed my true colours in form 6, by being connected to someone who doesn’t have a dick.

Oh i can cook, can you??
Well, seems firm enough that I might be gay, but honestly I am not. Being branded as a gay sometimes seems complimentary, but usually it spells disaster as your potential targets usually think of u as a fellow female and that would be an end to any chance of getting someone. Not to mention freak guys out or even make conservative people hate and despise you for something that u are not.
I am not gay, nor would I ever have any inclination towards that side as well. I really wish this would just go aside and leave me alone, because it is really irritating and annoying to be accused of being something that is so not true, and the only way to prove it will be to humiliate myself and get slapped for trying to prove myself…sigh…tell me, what do I need to do to prove that I am not gay?
PS: I do like girls, and I am only interested in girls, just because I do not feel excited when I see a boob or ass doesn’t mean I like them not…it may be because I do not find them as interesting as some hot-blooded idiots find them…maybe it take someone special to do that, maybe not..but I really hate to repeat this post in the near future…beware u potential questioners, I will OWN u before u can even say the word, “Dumbledore!”(bcoz he is gay)