What I've done

Another afternoon wasted. My laundry got thrown all over the place, and my afternoon lunch seemed like something witches would do to make something nasty, it tasted weird to…and I was not happy with it, had a bad lunch and was in a terrible mood. Later the evening I went over to my friend’s place for dinner and had the same amount of appetite…my appetite seemed worse off since I came here, and I felt like not eating, as I seemingly didn’t use up and energy at all. I know mom, I know I have to eat, but I know my limits, and I wish I dun have to eat sometimes, at least with your permission, I think girls understand my situation better, I just lost the old gluttony habit I had when I was young, that’s all.

Meanwhile, while I was there, my friend was watching Transformers, and as I recalled a blog post by Kenny about Transformers I read yesterday, it ignited a lot of thought and ideas on that day I went for the show at the cinema. I went alone, and I was late. I missed a chunk of the front part, and it was a Thursday, but it was crowded. I didn’t know it was the 2nd day of the blockbuster, but I went for the sake of childhood memories, I loved Transformers, it was what spurred me to ponder about a career in Aerospace Engineering, besides Gundam, but I never got in touch with that, so I cannot comment about that. I was interested with the idea of having such machines created, and the idea of celestial battles seemed mind boggling. It gave me a lot of inspiration, and it was what that made my day.

My dad didn’t want to watch with me, saying it was naïve. My mom was not a fan of gory, violent +dirty-looking men movies, so both of them were out. Later that my dad ate his own words by suggesting to find the DVD for the movie as his friends claimed it was good, talk about being naïve. Phpppff…

I would think about my friends 1st, whenever I think about that movie. They’ve been supportive and kind, unexpectedly but gratefully so. None of them had any idea of my life during Pre-U, being neglected, despised and bullied in class, all because of believing in something. A lot, I mean a lot of people asked, why should you hold on to something that isn’t worth holding on? Most of them have told me to move on, and saying there are plenty of fishes in the sea; it’s in the past, move on; it’s not worth it; you deserve better, etc. etc. I thank them for it. But it is neither comfort nor pity that I asked from anyone. I asked for understanding, and nothing but that. People never seem to understand that point.

My life, as described in the recap last week, has been nothing but a wreck. Nothing has gone right in my life after 17, and I feel like it’s just starting. My parents were not confident of me when I was young. I was a follower, I was an introvert, playing in my own world, not going out to play with other kids, had a serious problem with going to toilet at night. I recall my mother even telling me of my father’s doubts of me when I was young. That was how useless I was in my parents’ eyes. It was until secondary school that I found myself being different than my average schoolmates. I had few friends, lesser even common interests compared to the friends around me, making it even harder for me to make friends. I was into things that people thought were ‘uncool’. Therefore people thought of me as a freak. But I had friends, and they were supportive all the time. I thank them for that. But it was never enough, I had to prove myself, and I did.

Scoring straight As for PMR, and doing well for three years consecutively in lower form immensely helped to change my image. I turned from a weirdo to a nerd. At least one that people would give respect to, and cut me some slack as I was good at something. I didn’t do that well in the higher form, and yet scoring 9As was something unexpected, though my parents, as they have gauged my performance based on my lower form, reckoned that I would’ve done better if I had paid more attention into it. Since then, I find that my parents have set such high standards on me, as my sisters, did mediocre for their exams, so it was normal to pin high hopes for me, and it gave me the need to prove myself even further, and I thought I had found something I was good at, being smart.

Pre-U came and went, and I found myself stranded at a position where I had lost most of the things I used to have in life. Some of the people I knew were pushing ahead of me, and I was not just left out, but beaten to the ground. My results showed I was not smart enough. I in fact lost the very thing that I was good at. Most of the people would say that being smart is not important. So take an example:

Imagine an athlete who is reputed for his running skills, so basically, the legs are the most important equipment for him if he is to run. And the only thing he is good at is running.

Now, imagine him going through a car crash and had both his legs amputated, so now he can’t walk, let alone run.

U can see that he has nothing left to do. Oh sure, go find something else to do, find a new talent, bla bla bla. But that is the outsiders’ view and what they would say in general, passionlessly, lifelessly.

Put me into the equation, drag the athlete out.
Now, I’m a guy with nothing left. Do you understand?
Being smart is all I ever had, being informative and having vast amounts of stuff to say whenever I engage in any conversation is what makes me feel empowered and useful. Now, having neither the ability of being accredited, what can I say to make myself view and held in esteem? I would sound like a dork or a freak talking about stuff that anyone would just ignore, which by the way is what I AM doing.
I just can’t see anything else I could do to replace what I once held with pride.
I practically lost my future, lost my offer letters to good institutions, and gave my sister and many other people, including those who doubt me stuff to laugh at.
It’s not just shame. It’s something beyond.
U would feel as if u can do nothing but just vaporize and cease to exist.
Rubbing salt into wounds is when people who doubt you get extra firepower by being better off and u can see it in their eyes of their arrogance and wind as they walk by, flaunting their new found respect and seeing u ended. It’s not just being felt mistreated. It felt like being on the wrong side all this while with something you believe in, and all this while whatever you had put yourself on, is WRONG.
I was wrong, I was candidly been duped into believing in something that will eventually make me lose anything.
Talk about showing hands in Texas Hold ‘Em. You go to win it all or you go to lose it all.
The point is, am I wrong?
Have I been really, really wrong by even thinking of that matter in that point of view even at the start of everything? Could I have been wrong because I made adjustments halfway through?
Or was I right, and everything fell into ruin as it was not my time at all. I paid the price of being steadfast to beliefs?
I despised someone. Yet people respond to him as if he was a deity. He gained so much support and people basically welcomed him as he struts and frets upon the stage, was I wrong to say that what he did was wrong? And his annoyance was due to my jealousy?
I felt cheated. Was it because I felt really cheated as I was pledged of something that went against it later on, or was I just envious as I had practically lost to someone of less mettle? She rejected me early off in the race, and I had not even a chance earlier on. And my hatred was blinded my all the privileges he got after he succeeded in getting it.
I felt useless. Was it because I was really hardworking, and didn’t get the desired results, or did I deserve the results, as I had not done enough, by doing other stuff instead of studying, compared to my other schoolmates? I do not feel like I deserve the praise from my teacher, as I have not put the effort in as well.
I doubt myself. Because all I did was do nothing and held onto what I believed. And in the end I failed in everything I had. I came out with nothing, realising I just threw my life away. All my confidence, faith, trust, hope and love washed down the drain. I deserve the failure. I created the failure.
I AM A FAILURE.
So why am I in the sense of denial?
I despised someone to the fact that there are people who despise him as well. I saw boos all over the place when he tried to rally the group to the graduation song. People complained of his annoying acts in class, and usually tell him to shut up if he had said too much. Teachers look at my face, shaking their heads as he made pointless and idiotic quotes. She gave him a head off when he was groping her all over the place. He has no sense of respect to girls, at one point pressing down a girl’s shirt just to see what undergarments she wore that day, and I did not mean the same girl he groped. He is in favour of sexual remarks and thinks of himself better off than the conductor in choir, trying to dictate the crowd behind the conductor. Why do I despise him?
I felt cheated. I felt cheated because I kept a letter by her that told me she would never, ever consider the guy as he is not suitable for him. She even rejected him several times in the process, breaking up and patching up again and again, even after what he did to her. All I saw was her being stupid and crazy enough to go back to something which quite frankly, demeans her in person. I felt cheated as I stopped going after her as soon as she said no, and apparently she said no to him, so many times, and it worked. I felt cheated as she told me I was ‘raping’ her with my eyes, and all I could do was not even look at her, hearing her complaint. Whilst she gave him the permit to grope all he wants, look as much as he wanted, do what he wants. What is wrong? Was I cheated?
I felt useless. And I have never felt useful before. I leave that as a standard fact.
I doubt myself. And it came after everything came to an end.
I didn’t move on, not because I wasn’t willing to.
I tried to move on by forgiving and accepting. But I found it too much to take as I find nothing that made me accept the being he is.
I tried to move on by finding another person. I found no one. I even made myself think I had, and I eventually made one upset as she and I had issues on communication. I never felt anything strong with her, and I had a sense of guilt if I ever thought of using her as a replacement. I’m sorry if I made u upset for that incident that day.
The other was there for me all the while, made me happy when my times were bad, demeaned herself when I requested her for a favour against her wishes, did her best to smile and tried make me smile, sweet as honey, and having a mind as sharp as a needle. You felt right, and I thought u were, and I did at one moment, thought of you as the answer. But you know your relationship with her, and the fact that I felt I couldn’t trust you enough. I wish I could overlook it, but I couldn’t. I wish it were that easy. I was never the confident, certain and almighty person you thought I was. I need more attention and care than you do. I’m sorry.
Regarding the matchmaking my friends did, I’d thank you for all the help, but one part I was hesitant, the other, it was too late. I felt I wasn’t ready for another upset or perhaps a responsibility. I’m couldn’t handle myself, let alone others.
I’m not suitable to have a partner. Yet I wish I have one.
I wish not have any one, but the only one.
The only one, and yet not the one that is now, but the one she could be.
I sound selfish. I am selfish. For this matter I am selfish. I will not tolerate or lower my criteria for any lesser. This is about my future, and I will not tolerate for any losses.
Even now, I seem to have things all balanced up and going according to plan. But these are but things superficial to the mind and soul. I am thankful, but yet not grateful. I seem to have things that I never asked but shoved upon me, things that I want, I rarely get. Can I complain?
As Evan Almighty’s God said, when you ask for riches in life, does God give you riches, or the chance to be rich? If one asks for family unity, does God allow an immediate unity, or the chance to be united? If one asks for love, does God provide love, or does he provides the chance of giving love? Ask not for something, but savour the chances offered.
I asked not for pity, but the chance for everyone to understand. I asked not for equality, but the scale of fairness or judgement being dealt out. I asked not for love, but the chance of letting me love, which I never knew, and she found out. I never tried, and gave up on the 1st turn.
Now, how much more can I screw up?
Remember that scene where Mikaela had to drive and bring Bumblebee out of the battle zone, where she knocked her head straight on the driving wheel, being afraid and asking herself what could she do instead of running for cover? She turned back and charged at Devastator with Bumblebee in tow. In those moments she would’ve easily been killed by any round it fired, but she survived. The part where Cpt. Lennox rode the bike? How many times would you have expected to just slide directly pass and not be trampled? And Sam being surrounded by Megatron would’ve dropped the Allspark so many times if it was really him and not the script that ran the movie? We ask ourselves how many times we could’ve ruined it all, and sometimes we don’t, and end up as heroes. But when we do, we usually never live to see its consequences. But how many of us are born to be sure about anything? Even our parents are not so convincing once u got to know them well.
Life’s too short to make mistakes. And now I’m standing between two possible bridge connections, one is to let go of the past, and take a leap to the future; the other is to turn away from it, and stay back to end the nightmare that haunts me every single moment, every single day. As I have said, it’s not about letting go and moving on. It’s about taking in the past and making it our master. If I do not do well in turn soon, I might as well turn back, and be lost in the wilderness forever.
I do not have Steven Spielberg to dictate my ending. I’m my own director.