In the Mime's Box.

I have to work tomorrow, but I just feel that this feeling has been rotting inside me long enough that I need to get it out.

No amount of ranting, self-loathing, or talking it out to myself or to others have made it better.

Basically you can sum it up with one memory.

Back when I was barely double digits I remember going to somewhere called a Bukit Merah Laketown Waterpark, and as usual being kids, we went wild trying out every single ride we can, or were allowed to. There is one ride that I will always remember, and not because it was a memorable one.

It was the only one I couldn't complete.

There was this semi-spherical globe with a mushroom on top, and there were strings where you were required to pull on and slowly reach the top of the mushroom and slide down in glee.

My sister went up, she did it effortlessly.

My dad went up, he did it speedily.

My younger sister went up, even she did it easily.

Meanwhile I slid down, again, climbed up,

slipped again.

and again

and again

and again

until I only remember that the only thing everyone did was laugh.

Laugh at the fat boy who couldn't climb up the slippery globe.

Laughing, smirking, jeering.

To them I was a joke, I couldn't do it.

My dad tried and pulled me up, but the damage was done.

I still remember that failure, and it still haunts me.

Nobody even tried to offer a hand. They just reveled in my failure.

Perhaps one day I will go back and climb it, and actually do it myself.

But,

The experience is uncanny, here I am

Sitting in a room with nothing to look forward to but another day

another day of wearing a pink shirt and an apron in a small little cafe that is not doing well

the boss is disillusioned, my manager who is a good friend who introduced me to this job is getting tired of his efforts.

The staff are lazy, the seniors couldn't be fucked with improving themselves, complaining every little changes being done.

Juniors are learning, not quick enough, and some don't even have the motivation to do more than they could.

I mean, what's the point?

No matter how hard I push, all I get is just dissatisfaction, look questioning me: "Who the fuck are you to tell me what to do?"

I'm the senior/assistant manager, damnit, but I don't feel like I am at all.

Yes, my manager has faith in me, my kitchen people want to help me.

But the end of the day, I go home tired, sore, and unaccomplished.

What have I done with my life, a year after graduation?

My best friend has got married last year, it's going to be his first year in a month's time.

My classmates are all going places, being their own bosses, getting job offers, getting married or attached, flying off all over the world, even

those I feel that don't deserve anything.

are moving on to their second job, faking an image to the world of a potentially risky investment,

while every day I throw in resumes, getting responses telling me I cannot even go past round one of recruitment.

Someone I know who doesn't even understand the first law of thermodynamics when I ask them got through second round.

Which begs the question.

What am I doing with my life?

I'm not exactly young, my mom married at my age.

My dad has a family by 30, got his house, his car, everything started to take place.

At 28, I'm earning a weekly pay, I'm underpaid even though my manager tried to get me more pay but I understood that the shop is losing money I just accepted my pay, hoping that I can change things, and maybe deserve that pay eventually.

I got fired by my last job because of my attitude. Because the owner felt I wasn't doing his shop favours by giving away to regulars a few free stuff because I wanted to improve business and create long-term customers, because I made a newbie who is probably the most ungrateful little bitch who would rather her father marry another IF her mom dies so that her new mother can take care of her cannot take me being strict towards her. She can't even sweep a floor ffs and she has an even worse attitude, instead the senior was gotten rid of.

Worse still, my sibling blamed me for it, she says its my fault, she has proof I'm a negative force in the shop.

She's right, I get upset easily because I have a set of standards, and I try my best to reach those standards. I don't like it when people think they can get away from doing things properly especially when they have more than enough time to do so. and I certainly am not the sort of person who smiles or behaves like a meek little lapdog, I take responsibility for my actions, I resolve them internally.

I do not have to show remorse, I know enough to not repeat it.

Instead, I was accused for not being sorry enough.

All I can say is,

You,

are

pathetic.

I'm glad I'm no longer working there, I never liked to.

I'm glad I saw my sibling for who she is, a fool and a coward who rather fit in the crowd than be her own person.

Afraid of her own shadow, afraid of being alone.

I stood up for her when she was in a tight spot, I encouraged her to spread her wings.

Instead she chose to stay and rot in a pathetic nesting hole doing a job helping those who no longer want to help themselves, thinking I am like those she thinks she is helping.

I almost was, but I am too damn proud to let myself do so.

She doesn't understand, I didn't want to give up, I am just too impatient.

I want a real job, I was ready to move up.

Time after time I get rejection letters, and I feel tired about it.

When will anyone lend me a hand on this slippery globe?

All I hear is sounds of laughter, jeering, smirking.

Sounds of,

you're a loser. a fucking loser, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

the sight when he pulled her away in spite resurfaces.

the time when he bragged,

I'm a graduate engineer, who are you comes back again.

The sight when the other walked around like he owned her again comes back to me,

when people told him to stop, he said so what?

Why do these people get to move on with life?

When can I be strong enough to smite them down myself?

Deal the justice they deserve?

Life's not fair they say,

well give me the chance to straighten it out.

I don't care if I live or die, I just want to do the right thing, and live without my dying breath saying.

I've wasted it.


A mime's box, the invisible cube that no one can see.

Everyone feels sorry for you being in this box, but no one fucking wants to give you a ladder to help you out.

Sometimes you just understand why villains wants to destroy the world.

I hate it enough to understand them now.

Perhaps one day, I might join them.

But then again, I'm too damn proud to sink to their level.

Except for one reason.

Which I won't tell, but you know what.


Fin.