Befuddled

I know I should be asleep by now. But I just felt like switching off my MSN and Facebook, etc, and think about what I should write since my hiatus for exams.

Things have not been happening too well for me. I screwed up both Materials and Dynamics. I know I don’t stand a chance with Dynamics since I barely did anything for that one. Apparently my weakness of being unable to draw vector diagrams would kill me as it did for Statics. I only realized this now.

Then again I must apologize to my parents about a few matters:

1. I have not been a good son. I have fought you all along the way by pushing myself and waste a year of funds doing something which quite frankly, hasn’t turned out so well. I do not intend to give up, but I must assure you things are getting hard. Either you pull me out now, or I shall go ahead and plod all the way through. Think in terms of monetary, if you guys are pushed. Be practical, I will understand.

2. I have failed to fulfill your hopes. I promised to work hard and yet I have failed to do so. I have nothing to say but to blame myself for still feeling sorry for myself and getting myself into situations that don’t benefit me at all. I have tried to change myself and start over but I see myself unable to move forward due to certain things in the past. Apparently it isn’t easy to let go and move on, and I have been hampered time and time again by people who quite frankly, don’t deserve to be worried about. I have been disappointed time and time again. It’s time to let bygones be bygones and just accept this bitterly. I have yet to swallow this bile with enough gusto. It would take time to take it in completely.

3. I have not shown proper respect and have been nothing but nuisance. Besides being opposing and lazy, I have also been wasteful. Indulging on matters that don’t matter at all. I deserve less than what I have. I have shown arrogance and ignorance to matters and have also disregarded advice. I have lied and have shown immaturity in dealing with my life. I have not let go of that matter completely and recent issues have affected my judgment as well as emotions which I admit would have affected exam morale.

In simple terms, this has been an expensive vacation.

I do not doubt the probability of coming back empty-handed. But I wish for better states where I would not have to bother with these matters. All I want is a degree which in turn would reflect me in a better light, and aid in my career. I wanted this to wipe away my past. I am annoyed by constant scorns and remarks about how simple things can be solved with a snap of a finger. It’s not so. Or in other words, I think I can use her words and say: “Please take some time to understand my situation.”

It is exactly disgusting to use her words, where I really do not understand the extent of her actions.

1. How can one just place faith into another person’s hand just because you cannot find solace in the shelter of one’s heart desires? By picking another, does that mean solace can be found as it surely can be with the other? Is fickle mind-ness an unchangeable trait of the female counterpart?

2. How can one admit they are both bitchy and slutty at the same time, yet not be responsible for their own actions? Does that mean claiming to be both of these words, one can be freed and not be blamed for performing such actions?

3. How can a person be so insensitive and yet ask for people to be sensitive to their own? Why must we give the benefit of a doubt to a person who has not shown any sincerity towards a long-lasting acquaintance? Why must this be one-sided, when public relations have always been between two parties?

4. Why must sincerity be scorned while falsehood and other intentions are tolerated? Why claim it is hard to reject one who has been barely liked, while one has swiftly denied the sincere advances of another? Why so easily done in the past and yet so hard in the future?

5. Why claim to be afraid to talk about the past and also said to be regretful of past cruelties done to the previous advances, and yet be cruel again? By being selfish, is one freed of all guilt?
Clearly all these are things that go on in my mind and will not return any satisfactory answers. Comments from her peers have shown immense shallowness and naivety that stems from the core of the fellowship. One claims to be oblivious to the fact that to be a slut, one has to be defined by all the actions of a slut to be termed so. By not acting to that extent, one can only be presumed to be not acting so, but to another more suitable term, which is unknown. One has not acted in random acts of intercourse and mingling with negative influences, how can one be termed so, especially when one still holds firmly onto their sanctity? In that case, how can be expected to be termed so? Self-claim is no claim.

Making such statements has been hurtful to me as much as the person on the receiving end, and yet if not done so, nobody ever shall. The intent of destroying and rebirth is to shatter the past obstacles and forge a new path towards progress, which will in turn be destroyed yet again for other progresses in time. To wield the flames of change, yet be doused by cold remarks has made the destruction a bare dent on the old ways. I have again been foiled and now feel that the light shall not emit from the end of this tunnel, while the destruction would only lead to my own demise.

My weariness takes toil upon myself. I shall retire and pray that the world has no mercy and strike swiftly on those who deserve retribution on their acts. Yet again, if justice is not served as before, then I have placed wronged faith on the balance of the world, and lived as a Man in vain.

I feel no regret on such remarks, as they are nothing but pure truth, and if the truth is hard to bear, then searing heat and swift judgment shall be the answer for thy ignorance.

I am now broken as a man with his sword shattered and unrepaired.

(PS: Updates after this, writing this is but a warm up for more posts.)