Sweat Betul.....WTF

Things hadn't been going well for me these few days...

I mean my plan to study during my break had gone awry, making me rush my assignments on the last day and having to stand on the bus stop for half an hour just to get back. Having the wind howling at me made me realise how thin t-shirts are, and i had just weighed myself that day and i was only 68kg.

68kg

That's how much i weighed during Form One.

OMFG i am underweight for the 1st time in my life.

I just seem to get thinner and thinner. Probably because i skipped meals and usually used this to punish myself whenever i missed a class or just did something that was off my decision. Apparently i do make a lot of mistakes. I just don't seem to learn from it.

Speaking of mistakes, i missed my test today. I woke up ten minutes into the test time and the 1st thing i did was to punch myself in the face and then tell myself i will pay for all my stupidity. Burning the midnight oil really doesn't pay off at all. My mom called and i can feel the dissapointment she has and it made me feel even worse. I just simply couldn't make myself to function properly. I even wanted to punish myself by skipping two meals but i told myself that if i don't feed myself, whatever punishment i implement wouldn't help me in my studies at all, i'm not a fuel cell, i need food to generate all the fuel to do what i want.

Ever since Form 6 my body mass had been decreasing, while i did gain a bit during my workdays, but then it went down again after i went to Uni. I felt that the pressure of learning and having to do alot of things by myself very daunting and the lazy bug just keeps telling me to procrasinate. The weather doesn't seem to help as well. I don't really bother cooking now since all i cook is for myself and when i do cook, i just whip up something for everyone. The last time i did this was to make a Thai Green Curry with diced chicken, and a chicken stew, bearing in mind one of my friends is taboo to beef(like he cares at all) I was super pleased with what i did and would really look forward to moving out with them and having them as guinea pigs. Bwahahahahahahaha....(swt wtf i can't fin the pics i took about my food!!)

Nough said. I really seem to be in a bad run these days. Had arguements with four girls. One i had to call back and clear things out. Then i was in a super bad mood and just snapped at one until she was super upset and ignored me. Apologized and situation cleared. Then there was weiqi yesterday when i told her about something she didn't know back in my hell-ish days. I commented on her blog post about her view after i had told her the story from my side. I never knew what she went through when i saw she had some kind of dread towards something. Eventually she gave up and demanded that i never mention that issue to her anymore.

Things doesn't seem to go right at all. My studies is stumped, having social problems, health problems and even sleep problems. I really feel like whatever determination i had just dissipated under the chilly wind. I really felt that i had lost all the desire to work and realise my aim. I felt like distance has finally got on to me, and there's nothing to hold me back or spur me on anymore.

I felt like as if the feelings not there anymore.

Maybe i really had forgotten about her.

When i talked to weiqi about that matter i felt as if i was telling a story. I don't feel the tears when i told minjie or shirley or my other friends about it. It still bugs me, but it doesn't do as much damage as it did before. Things just, milded.

I'm not happy about this at all.

I had this vision of realizing what i want and going back to change things. Set the business straight, probably get back at those who crossed me. But now, i felt like i can just live on without setting the balance straight, which is preposterous and something i will not tolerate myself to give in.

If Daniel Powter's had a bad day, i had a bad week. Probably a bad month as well. Now i gotta mail my tutor Luke Balzan and see if he can help me deal with my test. If not, serves me right. I really do feel so, i brought it all to myself. Similiarly like what happened back then. serves me right.

PS: Sweat betul...wtf...is my motto, it annoys Wilson and everyone, usually they just demand that i stop it, but i'd just tell them to stop making me sweat!