Enfeebled...

I hate myself for not being able to compose a single word, even as there are tons of things in my head that I would like to share, I simply just can’t put them on a piece of paper(or a blog) and describe it like I used to do.

I lacked the spark.

I lost my inspiration.

Does that mean I’m finally done with the whole ordeal? Think so, hope so? Probably not.
If I am, why would I keep asking the same questions about her? And expect the idiotic answers that I wish for?

Sometimes I don’t understand myself. It’s not like I have an empty life and I’m only centred on one person. I have had girls all over the place being nice towards me, cheerleaders, foreigners, even classmates who I have never spoke with just started chatting with me because we were on the same bus? Every single one of them would’ve been a replacement or a distraction from that, and yet, look where I am still stuck in, the “empty window” period.

Not just that, there’s even someone who I usually flirt whenever I see them on Messenger and somehow I can sense the constructive response I get back that this might work out. Sometimes I accidentally blurt her name out without thinking and I would wonder why I would think of her more often than the other one. Is this something I should take note of?

To blame that girls are bad, I must agree that boys are as bad as well. Sometimes you can’t blame the girl for being all nice and sweet that it balms over the past, and yet end up with nothing as the boy himself doesn’t know what he wants. So rather than moving on and finding another, you see him sitting there and maintaining the deadlock until he sees the end of it, one way or the other.

Honestly, I wish that I can have the best of both worlds, the looks of one, and the personality of another. One warms me up with her bubbly character, and she is instantly lovable by everyone; the other one is a head-turner but with such a bad reputation and is somehow despised of, even by her own best friend. With my recent conversation with her, I felt even more worried with the places she has been to, and the company she has, that she is more likely to get into trouble with her lifestyle. To add more insult, our views diverge even more so, and we sort of talk like from different planets, it felt suffocating and very unnerving. But it’s her view, and I respect that, but I cannot agree to it.

It is obvious that my thoughts are not bound by her anymore. But that is not something to be happy of. Whatever I have set my aims for were plainly because of her. Whatever I did was done with consideration towards her. I still care for her very much, and worry about her more than any other person, and yet all I can do is just sit and watch.

I even gave myself worst-case scenarios and how I would react to it:

1. What if she’s no longer what she said she would, remaining chaste before marriage?

2. What if she was duped into any circumstances, and lost her chastity?

3. What if she was hurt badly and got maimed until she was horrible?

4. What if all she could do was to enter the world’s oldest industry in order to survive?

5. What if whatever I did would not suffice in turning the tides, and yet lost everything in the end?

Any one of these issues are potentially crippling to any person who cares for another person. And it is not nice to think about these matters (I’m touching wood profusely as we speak)… I rather if that nothing happened and everything would come into place. But as in any games or stories will tell you that nothing is perfect, and all plans are pretty before the arrow. Once it is released, anything can happen to influence it. Nothing I can do can stop it.

Before u start lambasting me about the past is in the past and I should be grateful for what I have now… I would ask you the same question as well, how would u react in worst-case scenarios in your own world? Especially it includes the person you care most about? Do not think that this is something to be thought of when it happens, it is always better to give yourself some mental preparation and the trauma wouldn’t be overwhelming when it happened. It’s not that optimism is wrong, but having such thinking does help. I never expected it when it happened, and I had a bad time dealing with it. It helped me after I made myself have this mindset. I didn’t feel happy, nor did I feel overwhelmingly upset about it.

I gave myself these answers:

1. Since I cannot take her word for word, all I can think of is that she has thought of it seriously and she didn’t regret about it at all.

2. It is not her fault that this has happened, nor should it affect her as that is not her worth. She is worth far more than a layer of hymen that labels her as valuable as an apprentice geisha offering her mizuage.

3. If that is nature’s doing, we can only work to face it. That is why usually beauty within is worth far more than external beauty. There’s always the option for plastic surgery though.

4. Replied as in no. 2, though I must admit that I would not want someone who is not wholehearted and only accepted due to the fact that nobody wants her. A lot of women just settle for the easy catch, and end up regretting, causing divorces later on in life. This just isn’t practical, and I hate to have someone who still has another person on their mind, either have it all or nothing at all.

5. I can only change what I can change. The rest is up to the elements and how we work to adjust it.

Look, with just one matter, I wrote a bunch of crap that Weiqi would scold me for being so long-winded. As I said, my inspiration is her. I do not believe I could write that much on another topic without this person. Which, in turn is pathetic. Yet, it is the truth.

P.S.: This is just a warm up. Will have something to say after this. Tired of writing. Need rest.