Sweat Betul.....WTF

Things hadn't been going well for me these few days...

I mean my plan to study during my break had gone awry, making me rush my assignments on the last day and having to stand on the bus stop for half an hour just to get back. Having the wind howling at me made me realise how thin t-shirts are, and i had just weighed myself that day and i was only 68kg.

68kg

That's how much i weighed during Form One.

OMFG i am underweight for the 1st time in my life.

I just seem to get thinner and thinner. Probably because i skipped meals and usually used this to punish myself whenever i missed a class or just did something that was off my decision. Apparently i do make a lot of mistakes. I just don't seem to learn from it.

Speaking of mistakes, i missed my test today. I woke up ten minutes into the test time and the 1st thing i did was to punch myself in the face and then tell myself i will pay for all my stupidity. Burning the midnight oil really doesn't pay off at all. My mom called and i can feel the dissapointment she has and it made me feel even worse. I just simply couldn't make myself to function properly. I even wanted to punish myself by skipping two meals but i told myself that if i don't feed myself, whatever punishment i implement wouldn't help me in my studies at all, i'm not a fuel cell, i need food to generate all the fuel to do what i want.

Ever since Form 6 my body mass had been decreasing, while i did gain a bit during my workdays, but then it went down again after i went to Uni. I felt that the pressure of learning and having to do alot of things by myself very daunting and the lazy bug just keeps telling me to procrasinate. The weather doesn't seem to help as well. I don't really bother cooking now since all i cook is for myself and when i do cook, i just whip up something for everyone. The last time i did this was to make a Thai Green Curry with diced chicken, and a chicken stew, bearing in mind one of my friends is taboo to beef(like he cares at all) I was super pleased with what i did and would really look forward to moving out with them and having them as guinea pigs. Bwahahahahahahaha....(swt wtf i can't fin the pics i took about my food!!)

Nough said. I really seem to be in a bad run these days. Had arguements with four girls. One i had to call back and clear things out. Then i was in a super bad mood and just snapped at one until she was super upset and ignored me. Apologized and situation cleared. Then there was weiqi yesterday when i told her about something she didn't know back in my hell-ish days. I commented on her blog post about her view after i had told her the story from my side. I never knew what she went through when i saw she had some kind of dread towards something. Eventually she gave up and demanded that i never mention that issue to her anymore.

Things doesn't seem to go right at all. My studies is stumped, having social problems, health problems and even sleep problems. I really feel like whatever determination i had just dissipated under the chilly wind. I really felt that i had lost all the desire to work and realise my aim. I felt like distance has finally got on to me, and there's nothing to hold me back or spur me on anymore.

I felt like as if the feelings not there anymore.

Maybe i really had forgotten about her.

When i talked to weiqi about that matter i felt as if i was telling a story. I don't feel the tears when i told minjie or shirley or my other friends about it. It still bugs me, but it doesn't do as much damage as it did before. Things just, milded.

I'm not happy about this at all.

I had this vision of realizing what i want and going back to change things. Set the business straight, probably get back at those who crossed me. But now, i felt like i can just live on without setting the balance straight, which is preposterous and something i will not tolerate myself to give in.

If Daniel Powter's had a bad day, i had a bad week. Probably a bad month as well. Now i gotta mail my tutor Luke Balzan and see if he can help me deal with my test. If not, serves me right. I really do feel so, i brought it all to myself. Similiarly like what happened back then. serves me right.

PS: Sweat betul...wtf...is my motto, it annoys Wilson and everyone, usually they just demand that i stop it, but i'd just tell them to stop making me sweat!

FITna-ah (My version)

It’s been a long time since I stepped into my blog since my outburst a few weeks ago. Went on a trip, ate some gorgeous food, especially Gelato and came back with good memories and new friends. For a moment, my life seemed perfect. I can’t help but grudge time for going so fast, and by the time I noticed, I was going back and my old worries came back to me again.

Actually, I am supposed to do a review about the list of Anime I’ve watched. Noticed the amount of anime I have been exposed by my friends, which is more than any anime I have watched in my entire lifetime!!! I’m seriously going to be branded an “otaku” if I don’t snap myself out of this soon. But I guess my trip as negated the effect somehow.

Still, I can’t help but introduce some of the anime I’ve watched, because they have accompanied me when everything seemed gray, and they actually made me think after watching them. Some of them are really meaningful, some of them are just slapstick comedy just to cheer me up. Mind you, I’m a depressed person. Usually I have to cheer myself up or I will just make my already sour face curdle more milk into cheese instead. I might even end up with some Gorgonzola like those torrid times I had in Form Six. ‘Nough said, I HATE Form 6, and thinking about it just makes me want to puke whenever I see anyone claiming U6F1 of 2006 was one of the best classes. In fact, we were crap and most of us just screwed Chemistry, how do I know? Being a Chemistry teacher in my school, I had to take the flak and answer Pn. Ng’s query about what appalling results we got. So shut up about how good it was. We sucked in class co-ordination, we have idiots running the class administration, and having nonsensical people disrupting the classes we had. Not to mention the crap play we created. I bought the disc, but I never even wanted to watch my own play that I had put so much effort into. What is there to be proud of? Not to mention having to sit on the floor after some crap idiot taking away my seat just because he had no sense of brain at all.(I personally believe that he did it on purpose because he got shifted to another table and had to take mine so that he can sit beside her and also kick me out, killing two birds with one stone.) Now even my most prominent blog reader is his best friend.

OMG

What the hell has this world gone into?

I’m actually making friends with the enemy.

I’m fraternizing with the people who think garbage is gold.

Might as well go say hi to him and hug him and thank him for showing what a dick I am and suck his **lls like Gillian Chung.

I keep living in the past aren’t I?

I came across something I saw on someone else’s T-Shirt saying this: "We can’t live in the past, but the past lives within us."

I hate my past. But it keeps me from straying. I don’t wish to remember it. But I remember it because it reminds me of things I should do and should not do so that I would not fail again.
I’ve even made friends with a fool that blasted me 5 minutes into a conversation. I was being polite and trying to at least get to know someone before even giving them anything personal. This fool (so shall we quote this person from now on) made an abrupt entrance by giving me a good blast for all the courtesy I give. Somehow this reminds me of the fact that being nice pays nothing at all.

In fact I’m not surprised that this happened. Especially from knowing someone who is BFF to garbage.

Sometimes I get so fed up with people using hormone imbalance as an excuse to say why they said the wrong things when they were cranky, or when they did something wrong, or to get away with any activity they don’t feel like doing so (especially swimming). I wish I can feel how much hormonal upheavals they experience to even guess why they have the liberty to even unleash their imbalance on people with no consideration at all.

Then if I may ask, if one can launch hormonal imbalances towards people, horny men should also vent their sexual frustration on people as well? Stimulations such as these are also caused by hormonal imbalances secreted by the glands and since it is a hormonal imbalance, why is this expression checked? Is it because it actually causes harm towards someone? Fair enough.

If that is so, then being traumatized by hormonal-imbalanced ranting also needs checking. This also causes serious trauma towards innocent people who are passing by and subjugated or forced upon to listen and be victims of half of the population in this world? Why should one have the liberty to “rape” people’s ears and mind while the other is checked? If everyone can go all over the place and shove hormonal imbalances to everyone, there is one heck of a hormone tsunami we can make to hit around the world ten times over. We might even use this as our solution towards fuel shortage with all the potential energy it can unleash.

Having fits or being unhappy doesn’t mean one can just get away by claiming hormonal imbalance. You have the right to be unhappy, but you cannot force me to be as unhappy as you. Fair enough, I do not have to be unhappy just because you tried to make me unhappy. But I have the right not to tolerate your unhappiness.

In fact this supposedly anime report has turned into another hormonal outburst.

Delete me off your Facebook account, MSN, like I care.

Go ahead and tell everyone what an ass or small-gassed person I am, like I care.

I do not believe in giving face just because you have two coconuts more and a banana less than me.

Like I said, I have the right not to tolerate anything I do not feel like it. I have my right to decide what I want to write. It’s unfortunate for you to even lay eyes on this article, too bad, my bad.
If anyone feels like taking a plunge after her, be my guest. I have no need of people who only wants to walk over me like a clumsy dinosaur and crap around like a fool.

It’s no wonder why they go extinct. Hormonal imbalance.*chuckles*

Annoucement

Making a short notice this time.

I did promise to post about stuff I watched recently and having just finished the last episode of MS Gundam 00, I won't be surprised if I did make myself a long post after this.

I have alot in my mind right now. Especially after today. I don't really like to talk about this, and I don't really care. Nor do I have any remorse or guilt in whatever I have stated. To whine and complain about this makes me nothing more than those hormone imbalanced creatures from Venus.

I do not wish for any comments on this. And I don't f**king care how this goes. That's that.

Before I stop, i think i can add in Setsuna's quote to Marina:

"I wanted to know...why our world is so terminally distorted?

Where did that distortion come from?

Why there are people who are unconciously evil?

Why don't people realise that their evil hurts others?

Why is humanity an existence that only conflicts with itself?

Why there are people who rule, and those who are ruled?

Why do we wound each other?

In spite of all this, why do people live on as they do?"

We can't blame everything on one entity, but we can say that one thing is for sure, those creatures from Venus aren't innocent from these meddlings as well.

In fact, I think they are a huge distortion, and I have been seriously distorted by it.

Not just once, But for so many times.

The worst I can expect is that I would lose others. So?

I'm not like others. Losing friends isn't a pain to me.

Losing my dignity is.