My 1st Gundam!!

I bought my 1st Gundam Model!!

It's the GN-001 Gundam Exia from the MS Gundam 00 Series....better known as the Seven-Sword Gundam...yes, he does have seven swords at his disposal, mind you, it's not a catchphrase...

GN-001
Right now i still can't remove the package box...in awe of my decision...and fear of screwing up on something that is not cheap...

Girls probably would go -_________- and say that i'm childish and splurged on toys and should grow up(or spend on them instead :p)

I was actually induced into buying this after one of my good friends Mike, bought the Gundam Dynames which is another MS Gundam from the same series, and after listening to his explaination, i thought it would be interesting to try this out myself...

Exia in Avalanche-mode(Extra equipment)
People like my mom would go berserk knowing i spent money to purchase something that is inedible and not constructive to my studies...in fact i still feel stunned by my balls to get this even though i knew it would cost abit (having got a big angpow from another friend's parents sure helps in making this decision much easier) However, i chose to see this as a work of art...

Since many would not know(i mean those who are clueless about anything concerning Gundam) that why this is something that i would bother buying since all it does is pose and well, pose. But to me, i see this as something that uses alot of concentration and focus to build, and to form it piece by piece perfectly is something all Gundam enthusiasts(not me, yet) dream of...Mike says a perfect one would need to be glued painstakingly and painted with care, and treated like a work of art...

Personally i feel the same way as well, but it was for model planes...

I wanted to get model planes for myself since last year, starting with an A-10 Warthog, but apparently everywhere i went, i just couldn't find it, and all i could get my hands on were the Spitfire, or P-51 Mustangs, very old WW2 era warplanes,(though Discovery claimed the Mustang as the greatest fighter plane that ever existed)...i felt more and more frustrated by the lack of model shops...not to mention having nobody to teach me about this...therefore my enthusiasm was buried, until now...

Why not go for it since i have a pro Gundam builder teaching me that i have wanted to learn?

My only wish is that it would turn out as good as it looks on the front cover...

I'm still sitting here looking at it...

still looking....

..

I really am so petrified of it...what if i screw up? I can't afford another!!

Oh well just keep looking at it....until Mike comes over to help me...

This may be the beginning of it , or the end of my model building hobby adventure...

Stay Tuned....

Is there such a thing as a sensible woman?

Argh…screw it. Can’t sleep, might as well write something to ease myself. I have a lot of things on my mind now…and all I can do is just convey it in a matter of words and let u visualize my point of view.

Today I received an email notifying a blog update from one of my friends. Unlike most people, I treat every blog with interest and I wouldn’t mind reading out people’s thoughts, I believe in understanding and sharing thoughts rather than keep a sickening happy-go-lucky attitude and tell everyone everything’s fine. Perhaps there is good in being that, but I cannot make myself do so.

Before I read his blog, I noticed several tones in his Messenger account. He wrote stuff like “looks like it wasn’t meant to be…” that made me think about a lot of stuff. I even recall the look on his girlfriend’s face when we met him on the street. She looked restless. I knew something was wrong. But with the row we had two weeks before, I rather abstain myself from being a nosy parker.

After reading what he had to say, I took a deep breath and just sighed out loud.

My suspicions were confirmed. He did break up with her.

From what I read, it sounded painful enough. While telling my other friend about what I read, I made myself nudge him and ask him what was going on. He sounded alright at first, and then he burst and started to sound emotional with all sorts of rants. Apparently he was being cheated all the while when he was away studying. He only found out when he did something I believe any couple will cry out loud and say it is indecent. But reading her text messages made him found out about it. I couldn’t say I agreed with the method, and I can only see that it was for the greater good. I rather not elaborate on how they settled it. But looking at the eyes of someone u love and not see the flame in response, and that reminds me perfectly of what I had two years ago.

Those stunning eyes.

Nothing.

Not even a sparkle. Someone might as well stabbed me or shot my head at that moment. I can never forget those eyes. Those are her best features, and her most cruel ones.

No matter how hard you try, as long as the flame’s gone, there’s nothing you can do to reignite it.

An unanswered love is like banging yourself to a wall.

You’ll get hurt. Yet the walls feel nothing.

I couldn’t do much in comforting him. I never knew what to say, and I know saying anything wouldn’t help at all. In fact, I didn’t try to even comfort him. Nobody comforted me two years ago. I simply made myself drown in misery for every single day of that year, every single day was a torture session, and I had once said, I felt like Jesus being tied on the stake, and lashed with whips while carrying a crucifix towards the execution grounds.

Every single day.

Nobody knew.

What good would it be even if everybody knew?

Misery wouldn’t have gone through the walls.

I began to understand how cruel the world was.

I began to embrace the fact that all of us are selfish.

I felt weak, unable to even handle my own fate.

I felt helpless.

I felt the pangs of mortality.

For once, I was not afraid of dying.

In fact, it felt good to just end my life there, at that moment, just to ease the pain.

How pathetic is that?

She would be proud, to see how much power she holds over my life.

Yet, still she chooses to hang her own life on the line.

As much as I like to repeat, why the hell women are stupid and blind?

There are those who just plainly pick men just because they hit the right notes, being sweet and suave by sweeping you off your feet, and yet they are reputed as a playboy. Why wouldn’t you think twice before even going near a bastard like that?

There are those who just swoon over looks of a playboy. For instance, Edison Chen. Serves him right for being exposed. I saw right through him even as he started his career in the entertainment industry. He was a brat with free-balling with all those stupid women. Oh wait, is there such a thing as a sensible woman? Might as well put that in the same category with “cats growing horns,” or “cows could fly.” Yet even my sister admitted him being handsome. OMFG…I wish I could strangle my sis through the messenger. Too bad u can only nudge them…u can practically see my crumpled face when I heard those words.

There are those who just act saintly and giggle or scream when they are exposed to so-called “indecent” stuff. Heck, even my sister’s friends think kissing is sex. I don’t know what is wrong with women nowadays. Is it because of the liberty they enjoy nowadays, and yet we fail to check the boundless fantasies that they were brought up with? Or is it just the fault of commercialisation where people just cash in on women’s fantasies?

If you want to diss me off in this post, prove to me that u are a sensible, down-to-earth female before even start to even think of debating this with me. That includes no PMS situations where you just launch your whole hormone level at me. If you want to earn my respect, prove it. If not, I will not take away the view of women being hopelessly naïve and useless. "So what?" answers would not make this look any better.

PS: I still maintain my stand that I support gender equality. This post was not done based on chauvinism. I'm trying to prove my point. I would be happy for brainless women if all i wanted was chauvinism. I cannot stand the sight of women being cheated anymore.

Cupid and his Appaling Marksmanship

Today’s Valentine’s Day.

So, what is that going to do with me?

Unlike other blogs that introduce rose petals or pinkish themes just to celebrate this day. I’ve done nothing to make mine as cheerful as theirs, how pathetic. Today is but another normal day to me, and those who are not attached to anyone. Nonetheless, every year, I felt the same pressure laid upon me by the society. Being single is unbearable every year on this day. I believe many of us feel the same as well.

Some of us will be in the arms of loved ones.

Some of us will be preparing to be swept off their feet, or to sweep someone else’s feet.

Some of us will be stuck with appointments, engagements with unknown people, giving ourselves a chance.

Some of us will be bored by the time appetizers came, and start to think of lies to avoid further misery with the wrong date.

Some of us will be at home, looking at the wall and typing all sorts of crap nobody would even get a glimpse of.

Which one are you?

Nonetheless, those who are not able to celebrate it start to find excuses to why we are not having any special engagements on this very special occasion. Ways vary, but the concept is the same, to avoid being told of being single and in the eyes of those attached, sad.

You would basically hear of stuff like:

“Valentine’s Day is about spreading love. That doesn’t mean it’s only a lover’s type of love, but also friendship, family, even pets!!” And they go on outings with fellow singles or send gifts to their pets and convince everyone that this is also a way to celebrate this occasion.

“Bah humbug! Valentine’s Day are for P***ies. Who needs it? Commitments are f***ing horrifying.” Then you will see them with their eyes of daggers whenever a lovey-dovey couple walks pasts them. Bless you for locking your chainsaw in your garage. This would not be another Texas Chainsaw Massacre after all.

“Men are useless, with their mindless games, and swollen ego. All they want is to get laid. Women rule!!” For these women you will see them going on sisterly expeditions and see them enjoying and having a good time today. Next thing you know, they would bawl all over you and whine why they are feeling left out, and telling you how scared they are on being a spinster for the rest of their life, then barf all over the place. Sigh.

“Today’s Valentine’s Day? I didn’t know that.”Then he walks off unperturbed. But you recall on his desk there was a huge circle several weeks ago on his calendar which marked: “Ask (Name of Crush) out.” You recall the beetroot face you saw several days ago and a notable distance of a colleague from him. And you wonder why the wall in the toilet had some cracks…

Let’s face it. We know why this occasion was meant for. Even if it wasn’t the true meaning, the tide of popular beliefs can’t be turned aside so easily. We all know this is an occasion for couples.
Who would not be jealous of couples walking past being all intimate and loving? Who wouldn’t wish they had the same experience as well?

Who wouldn’t want someone who they have liked in their minds to pop up and say things they wanted to hear? Who doesn’t want to receive love, rather than giving so much, and receive nothing in return?

How many of us would’ve rather died young in the arms of your loved ones, rather than dying alone in a house without even known to people for days? We all want to be loved, rather than love.

There is no replacement for it. So stop lying to yourself. It is a totally different matter from a family’s love to a friend’s love to a lover’s love. They all have one similarity, which is affection towards someone. Anything other than that is what separates us from friends, family and lovers. Imagine jumbling them up together. You would mix up your friends to your lover, family to friends, etc. etc. Not a very good idea. There is possibility of family being friends, and vice-versa. But family as lovers? You do the math. A dot product with a cross product. Not viable.

As usual, I am not celebrating Valentine’s Day, being single, as expected. Therefore, I resort to occupying myself with hours of DotA, and doing this blog. I wish I could celebrate this, but with the right person. Anything other than that would not make me cheerful at all.

Anyhow, I wish all my friends, taken, a fruitful day; single, it’s ok. There are plenty of us to keep company. Waiting for the right one is far better than being desperate.

I’m sorry for posting another depressing post. This should be a happy occasion. But, my mind is always towards matters around that never seem to get right. Being helpless is what saddens me. Having someone does help ease the pain. I would give a lot to have that. I really do.

Enfeebled...

I hate myself for not being able to compose a single word, even as there are tons of things in my head that I would like to share, I simply just can’t put them on a piece of paper(or a blog) and describe it like I used to do.

I lacked the spark.

I lost my inspiration.

Does that mean I’m finally done with the whole ordeal? Think so, hope so? Probably not.
If I am, why would I keep asking the same questions about her? And expect the idiotic answers that I wish for?

Sometimes I don’t understand myself. It’s not like I have an empty life and I’m only centred on one person. I have had girls all over the place being nice towards me, cheerleaders, foreigners, even classmates who I have never spoke with just started chatting with me because we were on the same bus? Every single one of them would’ve been a replacement or a distraction from that, and yet, look where I am still stuck in, the “empty window” period.

Not just that, there’s even someone who I usually flirt whenever I see them on Messenger and somehow I can sense the constructive response I get back that this might work out. Sometimes I accidentally blurt her name out without thinking and I would wonder why I would think of her more often than the other one. Is this something I should take note of?

To blame that girls are bad, I must agree that boys are as bad as well. Sometimes you can’t blame the girl for being all nice and sweet that it balms over the past, and yet end up with nothing as the boy himself doesn’t know what he wants. So rather than moving on and finding another, you see him sitting there and maintaining the deadlock until he sees the end of it, one way or the other.

Honestly, I wish that I can have the best of both worlds, the looks of one, and the personality of another. One warms me up with her bubbly character, and she is instantly lovable by everyone; the other one is a head-turner but with such a bad reputation and is somehow despised of, even by her own best friend. With my recent conversation with her, I felt even more worried with the places she has been to, and the company she has, that she is more likely to get into trouble with her lifestyle. To add more insult, our views diverge even more so, and we sort of talk like from different planets, it felt suffocating and very unnerving. But it’s her view, and I respect that, but I cannot agree to it.

It is obvious that my thoughts are not bound by her anymore. But that is not something to be happy of. Whatever I have set my aims for were plainly because of her. Whatever I did was done with consideration towards her. I still care for her very much, and worry about her more than any other person, and yet all I can do is just sit and watch.

I even gave myself worst-case scenarios and how I would react to it:

1. What if she’s no longer what she said she would, remaining chaste before marriage?

2. What if she was duped into any circumstances, and lost her chastity?

3. What if she was hurt badly and got maimed until she was horrible?

4. What if all she could do was to enter the world’s oldest industry in order to survive?

5. What if whatever I did would not suffice in turning the tides, and yet lost everything in the end?

Any one of these issues are potentially crippling to any person who cares for another person. And it is not nice to think about these matters (I’m touching wood profusely as we speak)… I rather if that nothing happened and everything would come into place. But as in any games or stories will tell you that nothing is perfect, and all plans are pretty before the arrow. Once it is released, anything can happen to influence it. Nothing I can do can stop it.

Before u start lambasting me about the past is in the past and I should be grateful for what I have now… I would ask you the same question as well, how would u react in worst-case scenarios in your own world? Especially it includes the person you care most about? Do not think that this is something to be thought of when it happens, it is always better to give yourself some mental preparation and the trauma wouldn’t be overwhelming when it happened. It’s not that optimism is wrong, but having such thinking does help. I never expected it when it happened, and I had a bad time dealing with it. It helped me after I made myself have this mindset. I didn’t feel happy, nor did I feel overwhelmingly upset about it.

I gave myself these answers:

1. Since I cannot take her word for word, all I can think of is that she has thought of it seriously and she didn’t regret about it at all.

2. It is not her fault that this has happened, nor should it affect her as that is not her worth. She is worth far more than a layer of hymen that labels her as valuable as an apprentice geisha offering her mizuage.

3. If that is nature’s doing, we can only work to face it. That is why usually beauty within is worth far more than external beauty. There’s always the option for plastic surgery though.

4. Replied as in no. 2, though I must admit that I would not want someone who is not wholehearted and only accepted due to the fact that nobody wants her. A lot of women just settle for the easy catch, and end up regretting, causing divorces later on in life. This just isn’t practical, and I hate to have someone who still has another person on their mind, either have it all or nothing at all.

5. I can only change what I can change. The rest is up to the elements and how we work to adjust it.

Look, with just one matter, I wrote a bunch of crap that Weiqi would scold me for being so long-winded. As I said, my inspiration is her. I do not believe I could write that much on another topic without this person. Which, in turn is pathetic. Yet, it is the truth.

P.S.: This is just a warm up. Will have something to say after this. Tired of writing. Need rest.