一年了

用中文写部落格的次数，用手指应该数得出来吧？

其实也并不是什么见不光的事，就是心血来潮，想要用中文来写些罢了。用词，句子不通顺，或者任何其它根语文的毛病，请多多包涵。因为作者是个极度不擅长用中文来表达东西的人，也就是说，在中学用中文用的非常烂的家伙。我看连写这段开头，都用了九牛二虎之力，之后要怎么撑下去呢？

之从上个月突然间觉醒之后，本人感觉非常意外。所有跟之前的压力，悲伤，埋怨，等等都离我而去。也就是说，简直像被某某东西上身之后，突然间被道士做法赶走般的舒畅，清爽。刚好当时也是换季的时候。换季，也是我对她的“换季”。

不再想念，不再怀念，不再牵挂。

自己不再为自己找借口，自己开始接受，明白。自己开始释怀，忘记。

自己很不相信自己就是被一个她在自己部落格上写的一份文章醒过来的。当时自己也就是在部落格上很生气很生气地破口骂了一顿。当时的自己也打了通电话回去，跟一直为我担心的妈妈说了一句话：

我好了

妈什么都没说，就是告诉我放下了就好，还有很多事要做呢。对，的确很多事，不过自己本身就是不能战胜懒神的厉害，到了至今还是老样子，笑死人了。难道老天爷给我的重生，就白白的浪费了吗？难道，就会把我在这里的深造画上句号，把它当作个出去散心的旅程吗？

不，还是赶快写完这个，就开始努力吧。虽然时间剩下不多，至少做了点始终比完全没做来得好。不过，我可不是随随便便能满足的人。还是来个疯狂临时抱佛脚行动吧。

对了，话说回来。。。我之从得到了她的部落格网站之后，时不时会打开来看，想知道这个笨蛋最近又冒了什么鬼东西，看看她会不会在网站上提到我。其实都有，最近她又对另一个男生产生好感，在部落格上写的有多凄惨，从无奈，到失望，至绝望。才没多久之前才好不容易把那个外地来的老外放下，现在又跑出另一个“洋”。我说啊，恒，你也太容易上钓了。不过，我即使那时多么诚心的追，也打动不到你。真郁闷。

说提到我，也有提到。不就是随随便便的两句。就说，“那个在高中喜欢我的男生又在看我的部落格哦。。。”也不能说那个肯定是我，因为当时喜欢她的，不只是我一个人。不过，看了的确又一阵的不爽，原来在她的脑海里，我只不过是个“战利品”，脑海里突然间浮现了个影像，就是在众多人面前炫耀她自己有多么受欢迎的高中生活，而我，就是她会在那些人面前被说成曾经追过她而追不到的男生。要是自己以后成功之后，在电视上出现的话，我看她一定肯定告诉她的孩子：“那个人之前有追过我哦！”想起来真的非常不爽呢。

我之前为她做的事，送过她的东西，为她写过的文章，都忘了一干二净了吗？自己真的觉得自己做的事都白费了。还想回去当时还托敏捷替我做捷运的事，到现在还生我的气呢！我那时都坑下所有的面子，志气，就是为了替她庆祝当时的生日。就因为她说我对她的眼神，有侵犯她的感觉，还费了不少毅力，避开她的眼神，让她好过些。当时的我，什么都没想，就是处处为了她。而我得到的回报，就是那么的少。爱情，就是那么的残忍。

当时还担心她刚交的男朋友对她好不好，不停的注意他对她的企图是否会造成伤害。还无谓的吃了很多苦头，省了很多不该生的气，甚至搞炸了自己的学业，还差点连大学都进不了。要是家境再差一点，恐怕我的愿望只好煲汤了。

当时刚好离开的时候，还担心不再她的身边，会不会因为她的滥交，而在这个五花八门的首都里吃亏。那个时候还想了最坏的情况，做好心理准备。还疑问自己会对她关心直道什么时候，会不会就这个样子过下半辈子了吗？因此，刚到这里道的时候，对任何女生的接触都保持距离。因为，我当时还真的相信念好了书，就业了成功了之后再回头将自己在那个时候的黑暗彻底的摸掉。而且还以为，这样子做，可能能成为最后的胜利者。

想着，这些都是一年前的事了。

两年前，还因为一个人而做了那么多的傻事。然而得不到珍惜。可惜。

唯一肯定的是，我曾经爱过你。爱得死去活来，爱得痛不欲生，爱得包容她的一切。

爱得明白什么是爱。

爱得很用力，不过，就是得不到爱。

现在，这些感受刚好相反。现在，她就是我。对另一个男生爱得死去活来，爱得痛不欲生，爱得包容他的一切，爱得很用力，却得不到他的爱。

恒，你明白了我当时的感受了吗？

To Hurt Or To Be Hurt

As you may have already noticed, if I ever posted anything on this blog, it would very highly probably be something that I cannot post on my other blog.

I know this is very random and may not be welcomed by regular visitors of this blog but well as KY has bestowed me the right to tarnish this blog, might as well use it to the fullest :P

I'm sure everyone in this world who's lived till my age (21 going to 22 soon, i know i'm old) has either been hurt by someone, or hurt someone before. Or both. And you know what kind of 'hurt' I'm talking about. Not physically but emotionally. Well i'm not talking about super duper it-girls/ it-boys obviously they are too perfect/popular to be hurt by anyone. >(

But I'm talking about normal humans like you and me. Normal humans who need to be loved and are bound to be weak at some point, to make mortal mistakes all the time.

I've never actually shared the story that till now still makes me want to bang my head into a wall and die with the self recognition of being the stupidest human on Earth, during the time the story was taking place. Truth is I'm not the kind of person who will ever admit to having emotional weaknesses. The more I feel weak emotionally, the more I hide it.

But now that everything is over and done with, I look back and realised despite all the frustration, heartache, sadness and anger, i've taken a lot away from it as well and as much has I'd hate to admit it, I've learnt a lot from it.

And the fact that i'm about to share it on a blog which's probably read by mostly peeps I dunno, I can assure myself that it is securely in the past, and shall rest in it.

I came from and grew up in an environment where feminism is highly championed and taught as a way of life. Family inculcated this value in me, school strengthened this belief, and personal experiences/observations fixed this belief in concrete. As a self-proclaimed highly multi-talented female, I did not, for the first 20 years of my life fall for, or even for a second get infatuated in any male before. Simply because i thought I was way above.

Then in my first year of university, one particular guy came into the scene. The first few times I saw him, never even registered his face. Nothing special, nothing impressionable, basically not my type. If you have to know, he's a typical Eastern European (or Southern, dunno their classifications), hence all the body hair, facial hair, intense and fierce features, loud language, huge male ego, basically too neanderthal.

It all started with Facebook. We'd Facebook message each other excessively and flirt extensively. Then it graduated to MSN and calls and SMSes that carried on throughout every minute of the day even when one of us was out of the country. But all the while I still had my guard on. All this while I thought I was the one in control while he was the desperate one with his assertions and actions which at that time was plain obvious that he was into me, (SOrdid details I do not wish to share, sorry.) while I was the one tarik-harga-ing. Reasons were simple, right from day 1 I knew we were very different people, and he's the extreme opposite of what I'd want in a partner- egoistic, selfish, critical, vain, superficial.

But on the grounds that he was a friend and I am not choosy with friends, I allowed him to keep badgering me, and allowed to chance for my heart to go astray.

Then owing to the hateful fact that i was born as the more emotional sex, feelings started to grow and I was starting to be very much affected by the the words that came out of his mouth. I started to do things that I would never ever imagined I'd do for anotehr person. I figured out that was it for me, I was dead. I'd finally got myself caught in the stupid web of emotions. We started arguing a lot and I was tired of having to guess his thoughts and feelings all the time due to his over "friendly" behaviour but never, ever confessions of his feelings.

So finally I asked THE question. Whether he liked me or not as more than a friend.

Answer came out as negative , as you would've expected.

At that point, I felt like the stupidest person on earth for having been used and invested my feelings in something that was NEVER there at the 1st place.

WOrst of all, I felt like I was being strung along all this while and served as only a temporary fill-in for someone's lonely heart while he was still having fun with numerous other females and pining for his ex still. I felt cheated.

In short, I was hurt.

As optimism has always been my one and only solution for most of my numerous troubles in life, I managed to convince myself how much I've learnt from it and I've since then pledged to live a feeling-less year. 1st class is most important! even if it takes being a nerd.

But then as always, God decided to throw a test on me. He threw me someone who's very sweet and lovely but whom I will never ever have feelings for. Someone who requires very delicate handling because of the complicated nature of our relationship. And along with this someone, a few other tests emerged out of nowhere along the way, out of a sudden. Just as I was mending and patching up the little pieces of my poor little delicate heart, these things burst out, unwelcomed. And worst of all, I recognise that all these problems started all because of myself, my casualness towards the boundaries of a friend. And all because of my casualness, I realised I may have been misleading them, as how the previous jerk has been misleading me.

In short, I realised that I am to them as the jerk was to me at that time. But for some reason I feel a considerably larger amount of guilt towards this complicated someone as compared to the otehrs simply because the nature of our relationship prevents blunt rejection. Hence, another day of avoiding blunt confrontation, another day's worth of guilt added to my conscience.

As days go by it became more and more apparent and lucid what was happening in my previous endeavour. ANd I used to spend hours and hours trying to figure out what was happening and wat was going through his head. And now that I think I might finally have a clue, I don't like it.

Truth is, because I was once at the receiving end of being misled, I know how painful it feels like and I do not want to mislead. I feal guilty. I feel bad. i feel horrible. I feel like I'm no different from the jerk.

I do not want to hurt, cause I know how bad it feels like to be hurt. But when there is no other option than to hurt, I suddenly realised how pitiful I must have been in the past endeavour as the one being hurt.

I know this sounds really convoluted and all over the place. And mushy. And i know I've sworn off emo-ness. But why do all these things have to come back to me one after another??
Just leave me alone please.
I just want a peaceful nerd life.
I just want to be alone....

Imba-ness of Gundam 00

The 1st episode was a little letdown as everyone expected the new Gundams to appear and wipe everyone out, or at least introduced them as they did in the previous season, and all we got was a "caped" Exia (apparently used to hide his missing hand from the last battle four years ago) being dissected by the new Jinx and Ahead of the Earth Federation A-Laws Elite Team. Luckily we had a glimpse of Seravee, Tieria's new Gundam saving Exia from the last stroke.

However, the 2nd episode was a total 180, and we get to see what this series is all about. Gundam 00 has finally risen from its slumber and did what we all expected it to do, wipe every single Ahead and Jinx without a scratch. I've watched this several times and I still can't get over how scary this Gundam is going to become. The revolutionary Twin Drive allows it three times the spec of all the normal Gundams, with that mysterious particle stream ability. I managed to get a clip of the activation of it in the midst of destruction. Apparently not all GN drives could be compatible, and it was with the recklessness and determination of Setsuna that it finally responded to its Meister's call.




Looking forward to the reunion of all the meisters...in episode 3

Hmm...

I know I'm supposed to be excited about the premiere of Gundam 00 tonight, but that would mean nothing as the subs would require it to be out only around tomorrow. Therefore after the early departure from my friend's house since Tuesday, I've spent time fruitlessly on stuff which quite frankly don't matter much at all. But I've spent my Friday last week watchinig a Japanese drama called Proposal Daisakusen or Operation Love or 求婚大作战. It turned out to be my activity for the whole afternoon and night after watching it during brunch. I simply got hooked by it and went on chasing the whole series until I slept. J-Dramas don't take too long, as they usually last no more than 15 episodes, but packed with meaningful and sufficent drama. I've watched several of them before, but this one would definitely be up there as one of my favourites.

The drama was about a guy called Iwase Ken who at the wedding day of his best friend Yoshida Rei (and also his secret crush for 15 years) wished he could turn back time and change the outcome of the wedding. While he was at the reception of the party, a funny looking man appeared and offered him a chance to do so. He would be allowed to travel back to the slideshow pictures at the reception and overturn the outcome of the pictures, which might result in the alteration of the entire wedding. In exchange, the man would be able to feast on his sumptuous platter.

The eventual wedding Ken was bent on stopping it from happening...

The 11 episodes of the drama each consists of a slide about an occasion which they would be in and he would be able to go back to that particular occasion. All of them were nice, but there were a few that really stood out.

Ken's Friend, Tsuru confessing his love for Rei's friend Eri on the field

Ken willing to take a bath just to purchase the milk coffee in the bathhouse...

For example, for the 2nd time travel, he went back to his high school Cultural Festival and Rei made him buy her milk coffee. Being back from the future, he thought that was the key to the sour-faced Rei in the picture in the slideshow, and went on a witch-hunt for milk coffee. Ironically, he was unable to get it no matter how hard he tried, and went back to a sour-faced Rei. He was at wits’ end and almost gave up when he recalled that she reacted strangely when his friend wanted to take a look at the CD she just returned to him. He opened it up and saw another hint: a book list. He then went back to the library and found something he did not find 6 years before: a baseball figure intended for his birthday, which was the point of the occasion. This was actually the main reason why Rei was upset because he didn’t find it. The adventure ends as they took the same picture and the flash brought him back to the present world, but this time, the picture had a smiling Rei on it. However, the wedding still happened.

The picture shown at the slide at 1st...

After the discovery of the Bass baseball figure, Rei's expression changed in the photo...

Another one that I was amused by was the one he went back to time to his 1st year in university, and had Rei’s grandfather over during the World Cup, and he woke up to her grandfather calling himself Beckham, and sporting a Mohican hairstyle. Rei’s grandfather left his home in Hiroshima without a single luggage and stayed over at Ken’s place over the summer, where Rei had been trying to persuade him to go back because her grandmother was worried. Rei’s grandfather was surprisingly outspoken, open-minded and wasn’t shy to hide his feelings to anyone, especially saying “Aishteru!!” to his wife, Rei grandmother on the phone in front of the Rei’s friends, which resulted in revulsion on everyone’s faces. XD He even sported wearing Ken’s t-shirt and jeans and walking all over the university talking to the female students in the university, to the dismay of Rei.

At that time, their fellow lecturer, Tada who was the eventual groom for Rei had appeared and Rei persuaded him to take care of her grandfather while she went for her classes. When Ken went back after his classes he found the grandfather happily chatting away with Tada, and at one point even claimed him to be the future husband for Rei, and Ken was crushed.

Later in the day her grandfather left Ken’s house and boarded the bus back to Hiroshima, and before he left he told Ken that: “Only fools wait for tomorrow!” He chided Ken for holding back his feelings for Rei and also told him to be more assertive lest he regrets in the future. He later convinced Rei to run to the bus station to see off her grandfather when he recalled that Rei’s grandfather died later that year, and she didn’t manage to give him her architecture sketches and the photo they had shot together. She also managed to tell him that his tamagoyaki (egg-roll biscuits) were delicious, and that brought a very touching farewell from her grandfather.

On the way back to his apartment he talked to Rei about the sensitive topic her grandfather brought up with Tada and the rest of the gang: her 1st kiss. Rei was clearly upset when Ken didn’t remember that she lost her 1st kiss because on him falling over her in an event during primary school Sports Day. Ken then took the chance when she walked up the stair to steal a kiss from her. She was stunned then slapped him twice in the face, and clearly showed a hint of a smile as she ran up the stairs. Ken thought he succeeded this time and went back in time with great hope, only to see a smile instead of the frown on the picture, and the wedding still in place.

An artistic rendition of the exact situation he stole the kiss...

As he went back he did several awkward things, like telling his friend Mikiyo about his trademark move 5 year later which caused confusion in his face, and trying to convince everyone that if he didn’t do the home run in which he failed and caused the baseball team to lose in the 1st picture, they would’ve lost anyway since his friend Tsuru would be struck out, and nobody believed him. He even wrote on Tada’s farewell card when he was a temporary teacher at his high school that he will not lose to him, and got questioned for his motive to write so. Only his friend Mikiyo realized that Ken was going back in time and helped him in several pictures later in the episode. He even slipped in one last picture in order to help Ken and settle the score straight since all his help failed at the previous pictures.

He didn’t always go back to change her sour-faced photos, (which surprisingly was quite often so, since she was always upset because Ken was insensitive towards her) he did go back once to change himself. After Tada confessed to Rei at the previous picture, she took a long time to consider and later told Ken she would accept him, and he recalled that was his worst new year. He was supposed to celebrate the New Year with them watching the 1st sunrise on the beach, and watching the new couple together made him so upset that he took another turn and refused to go with them. His friends then went to the beach only to realize that they all missed Ken and went back to find him, thus changing the whole background, and Rei sporting a very interesting handbag that she jokingly wanted from Ken's little blunder.

Ken's opinion on DKNY's meaning: Don't Knock New York XD

Eventually he went back 11 times, and each time he failed to convey his feelings towards her properly, resulting the wedding to still occur and him still at square one. But then, his actions of trying to change every single picture of Rei’s frowns to smiles did improve her opinion of him, and in turn, changed his thinking about the whole ordeal. He learnt to accept that the things he thought would change everything in fact didn’t change them at all. His travel back time was in fact a journey of realization, and not about saving the girl of his dreams. At the end he was given another chance by the fairy to the time where he was about to give a speech at the reception, and he was to make the best out of it, which then was clearly stated on the title of the finale:

A Tearful Confession

The thing that I liked about this drama was the fact that it was a very real situation where everyone would regret something and wished they could turn back time to change things. Little would they realize that in the end , they will always be the same and there should not be regrets about it, as what is done, is done. We will always have regrets, it’s whether we can live by it. I’m sure everyone who reads my blog know about all the things that I’ve gone through and how hard for me to live by it, until last week. I’ve suddenly come to terms with it and understood the fact that no matter how much remorse I had, nothing would happen and I would only be stuck in the past. Besides, I had none of the affection that I see Ken and Rei had for each other. Sometimes, I felt like it would be so, but usually, I feel like as if the feelings were one-sided.

Like what the fairy said, what Ken did was to go back in time and change those several hours of his life, and humans are not easily affected by that few hours of fate, especially their feelings. What is important is not to be upset with the past, but to fight for the present and future. I don’t have the chance to go back, but I understand what it implies. I know the truth, and yet I choose to live in denial. He also said, quoting J.S Bass: “Men find it hard to forget their 1st love, and women their last romance.” I admit this is not the 1st time I felt this to someone, but I know this is the 1st time I stepped up and went for it. I will not, like what my mom said, laugh at myself in the future, but understand and be proud that I had loved. I understand it and I know what to do when time comes.

If you’re reading this, thank you for giving me the chance to fail. I do care and I will always care about you. But don’t expect me to do all the things you thought I would just like I did 2 years ago. I’m not tied down by any responsibility to you anymore. Yet, I wish you happiness and hope that you will get it. Do not be ashamed by things around you, they are bound to have their own reasons. I’m not proud with a lot of things, but I’ve learnt to live by it. It’s good to hear you know how I feel at that time with what you’re experiencing now. Do what you can and just make sure this time, it isn’t a wrong impression.

To another person, if you’re reading this. Do not always wallow in your sorrows trying to search for an answer. Sometimes it’s not because of you or anyone else, but what we call fate. Not one is at fault, and the things that both of you once had are just not there anymore. Changing yourself won’t bring him back. Neither having to improve yourself won’t make him come back to your side. I know it’s hard to understand and accept at your time of thinking, I’ve been there before. It took me more than 2 years to forget someone, with both time and thousands of miles away to change that. You should understand that the harder for you to forget, means the more you like that person. What is given cannot be taken back, and if anyone rejects you because of that, that person does not deserve you, for he is only in pursuit of chastity and not love.

It’s a really nice thing to watch anyway, and the music is simply beautiful. I won’t say the leading actor for Ken is simply divine in terms of looks, but he did very well for his part. But I would really commend the actress, Nagasawa Masami for doing a brilliant job as Rei, I was so convinced that she was Rei herself. She made me like Rei as a person, and made me think that Ken is lucky to have such a great friend and love. I can’t find anything much to complain, save the hanging ending that got concluded by the special episode after that.

PS: Not a drama addict, but I really do like shows that make me share their emotions and gives me a lot of thought.

I guess that’s it for now.