In the Mime's Box.

I have to work tomorrow, but I just feel that this feeling has been rotting inside me long enough that I need to get it out.

No amount of ranting, self-loathing, or talking it out to myself or to others have made it better.

Basically you can sum it up with one memory.

Back when I was barely double digits I remember going to somewhere called a Bukit Merah Laketown Waterpark, and as usual being kids, we went wild trying out every single ride we can, or were allowed to. There is one ride that I will always remember, and not because it was a memorable one.

It was the only one I couldn't complete.

There was this semi-spherical globe with a mushroom on top, and there were strings where you were required to pull on and slowly reach the top of the mushroom and slide down in glee.

My sister went up, she did it effortlessly.

My dad went up, he did it speedily.

My younger sister went up, even she did it easily.

Meanwhile I slid down, again, climbed up,

slipped again.

and again

and again

and again

until I only remember that the only thing everyone did was laugh.

Laugh at the fat boy who couldn't climb up the slippery globe.

Laughing, smirking, jeering.

To them I was a joke, I couldn't do it.

My dad tried and pulled me up, but the damage was done.

I still remember that failure, and it still haunts me.

Nobody even tried to offer a hand. They just reveled in my failure.

Perhaps one day I will go back and climb it, and actually do it myself.

But,

The experience is uncanny, here I am

Sitting in a room with nothing to look forward to but another day

another day of wearing a pink shirt and an apron in a small little cafe that is not doing well

the boss is disillusioned, my manager who is a good friend who introduced me to this job is getting tired of his efforts.

The staff are lazy, the seniors couldn't be fucked with improving themselves, complaining every little changes being done.

Juniors are learning, not quick enough, and some don't even have the motivation to do more than they could.

I mean, what's the point?

No matter how hard I push, all I get is just dissatisfaction, look questioning me: "Who the fuck are you to tell me what to do?"

I'm the senior/assistant manager, damnit, but I don't feel like I am at all.

Yes, my manager has faith in me, my kitchen people want to help me.

But the end of the day, I go home tired, sore, and unaccomplished.

What have I done with my life, a year after graduation?

My best friend has got married last year, it's going to be his first year in a month's time.

My classmates are all going places, being their own bosses, getting job offers, getting married or attached, flying off all over the world, even

those I feel that don't deserve anything.

are moving on to their second job, faking an image to the world of a potentially risky investment,

while every day I throw in resumes, getting responses telling me I cannot even go past round one of recruitment.

Someone I know who doesn't even understand the first law of thermodynamics when I ask them got through second round.

Which begs the question.

What am I doing with my life?

I'm not exactly young, my mom married at my age.

My dad has a family by 30, got his house, his car, everything started to take place.

At 28, I'm earning a weekly pay, I'm underpaid even though my manager tried to get me more pay but I understood that the shop is losing money I just accepted my pay, hoping that I can change things, and maybe deserve that pay eventually.

I got fired by my last job because of my attitude. Because the owner felt I wasn't doing his shop favours by giving away to regulars a few free stuff because I wanted to improve business and create long-term customers, because I made a newbie who is probably the most ungrateful little bitch who would rather her father marry another IF her mom dies so that her new mother can take care of her cannot take me being strict towards her. She can't even sweep a floor ffs and she has an even worse attitude, instead the senior was gotten rid of.

Worse still, my sibling blamed me for it, she says its my fault, she has proof I'm a negative force in the shop.

She's right, I get upset easily because I have a set of standards, and I try my best to reach those standards. I don't like it when people think they can get away from doing things properly especially when they have more than enough time to do so. and I certainly am not the sort of person who smiles or behaves like a meek little lapdog, I take responsibility for my actions, I resolve them internally.

I do not have to show remorse, I know enough to not repeat it.

Instead, I was accused for not being sorry enough.

All I can say is,

You,

are

pathetic.

I'm glad I'm no longer working there, I never liked to.

I'm glad I saw my sibling for who she is, a fool and a coward who rather fit in the crowd than be her own person.

Afraid of her own shadow, afraid of being alone.

I stood up for her when she was in a tight spot, I encouraged her to spread her wings.

Instead she chose to stay and rot in a pathetic nesting hole doing a job helping those who no longer want to help themselves, thinking I am like those she thinks she is helping.

I almost was, but I am too damn proud to let myself do so.

She doesn't understand, I didn't want to give up, I am just too impatient.

I want a real job, I was ready to move up.

Time after time I get rejection letters, and I feel tired about it.

When will anyone lend me a hand on this slippery globe?

All I hear is sounds of laughter, jeering, smirking.

Sounds of,

you're a loser. a fucking loser, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

the sight when he pulled her away in spite resurfaces.

the time when he bragged,

I'm a graduate engineer, who are you comes back again.

The sight when the other walked around like he owned her again comes back to me,

when people told him to stop, he said so what?

Why do these people get to move on with life?

When can I be strong enough to smite them down myself?

Deal the justice they deserve?

Life's not fair they say,

well give me the chance to straighten it out.

I don't care if I live or die, I just want to do the right thing, and live without my dying breath saying.

I've wasted it.


A mime's box, the invisible cube that no one can see.

Everyone feels sorry for you being in this box, but no one fucking wants to give you a ladder to help you out.

Sometimes you just understand why villains wants to destroy the world.

I hate it enough to understand them now.

Perhaps one day, I might join them.

But then again, I'm too damn proud to sink to their level.

Except for one reason.

Which I won't tell, but you know what.


Fin.

I'm back, maybe.

It's been like, 2, 3 years since I've touched this blog?

I kept asking myself why did I let go of such an amazing outlet of my random thoughts go into waste?

Then I remembered why, it was because of someone I cared.

A few years ago this person, let's call her X begged me to pull off a blog post regarding my opinion on someone whom she has just recently broken up with. The person was completely oblivious of my piece and yet she decided it was inappropriate and a breach of trust for me to use it as something to share on the internet.

The incident gave me a mental trauma that I had writers' block and couldn't continue with writing because I was too scared to hurt someone.

Fast forward a few years later here I am, in the same situation, not yet resolved. 

In these few years that same person has moved on, gotten herself attached to his best friend and gotten hurt in the most unimaginable way by that same person and while at it, hurt probably the only person in the world that is truly concerned about her well-being besides her only parent.

ME.

My friends have graduated, some of the them are getting married, having jobs, living the life a normal 26 yr old should be getting at this stage. Some of them even have kids, naturally or through unplanned circumstances, and there I am, back at the same situation I have left this blog a few years ago.

In fact there is only one word I can tell myself over and over again every night.

SHAME.

I am not afraid to say this out loud because I should've done better throughout my tertiary education. And yet I have chose to waste my time on things that don't really matter. In fact I have let myself down physically and mentally to the extent where I have gone against many of my ideals, my principles and even my beliefs all because I thought I could make a difference in protecting someone I care about. 

In the end, for what?

She is still the same person, still hoping the person she has laid her heart on his feet to give her what she thinks he should give her. No matter how many times this person has shattered, spat and defiled her innermost wishes. She has not realized that at the end of her journey, she stands in the boulevard of broken dreams. 

Not to mention breaking the heart of someone she clearly knows has her best interest at heart. 

I admit I was really tempted once when she was drunk and vulnerable and yet all I did was wipe the tears off her eyes and tried to protect her from the rabid wolf that wanted to take her away because he didn't have to guts to admit they were in a relationship for 2 years, can you believe that?

After that all he did was to discredit, sabotage and even went on to provoke and insult me publicly for something he knows he should have handled it better. There were times I have lost control at the spur of the moment and then stopped because I know the consequences, and for her sake. 

I have lost my pride, my dignity and my friends in the process, someone even yelled in my face for spoiling his mood when I needed someone to help my sister who was in a terrible accident. Until now I chose to let go of that friend, because I realized he would never side me, knowing his relationship was the labour of the person's effort. I chose to move on and not allow myself any chinks in the armor in order to protect myself, and also those around me who will unknowingly be the victim of an opportunity.

Last year after the turmoil, he left the shores of the place everything started and went back to where he came before, after all the bragging he made to about him being a graduate and having second upper class in Electrical Engineering did not secure him any career opportunities within the country. I like to think that even the employers saw him as an irresponsible, ignorant son of a bitch that does not have the gumption to take the problem by its horns nor aperture for being a man. 

While she moved on to another city, trying to move on and let go of the past, including me. Unfortunately she didn't and when she had made another of her usual clutter-minded mistakes, she turned to the only person she knows would save her. 

I admit that I shouldn't have given in, but I understood that I wanted to. Post-X was me inviting a girl that I didn't love to dinner, being asked tons of questions about my private life, my family and even to the extent of being stalked through Facebook because she thought she had a chance with me. Eventually I declined by severing ties and refusing to meet her up even when nobody remembered my birthday.

Unknowingly I had also been approached by another girl who was completely obsessed with me. In which I painfully tried to place myself in a position where I tried to move on, and I realized that she wasn't what I wanted, albeit how easily it was for her to give in to my whims and fancies. I realized how similiar I was to him, and how disgusting it felt when someone you didn't love loved you. I had to let go, I don't know how, but I will do it eventually. 

People in the past have also moved on:

The bastard that I have mentioned in my past, has received his judgement. He dropped out after losing concentration in his studies, refused an alternate arrangement as is currently doing odd jobs where he can find. The girl has then moved on to cling herself onto a rich fella that she doesn't like and yet settles with it while wishing her dream man will finally come to her. Good riddance.

Besides that I have had to cut off all ties with my past because of one misunderstanding, and some of those I have reluctantly cut out of the same reason as the friend above. I cannot have chinks in my armor. 

Sometimes I wish life was simple where 1 plus 1 is 2 and those who sinned should have asteroids being launched at them and them getting squashed by it instead on those poor Russians. Then again, who hasn't sinned? Everyone would be dead by now.

I doubt anyone will be reading this still, and yet I find this very comforting. Knowing the safest place is back here.

Right now I am troubled by the sudden absence she has made recently, after months of getting back in touch and even her suggestion of coming back to see me during the break. I guess everything was just a dream after all. She never really put my best interests' at heart does she?

Someone said I will be rid of my misfortune by 30, I do hope that I will do well then, 10 years of bad luck is bad enough. But I believe in my making my own fortune, and I hope I will.

Life goes on

I have a report and an assignment due tomorrow, and yet I decide to blog.

I should really start to prioritize my things. I've been sleeping after 3am for the past few days, struggling with my work. And I haven't done any revision!!!

Life sucks.

Yet life goes on.

I have made it a point to actually be a little smarter in planning my prac sessions next semester, no prac-cramming that will eventually cause me to struggle over the increasing workload. I want to do my own things, have some space to really enjoy my life, as well as step outside of the mundane world Engineering is starting to become.

I find that most engineers have the same problem. We are introverts.

I thought Aussies are supposed to be like super friendly and just go "BOOOYAAA!!!" when you walk across. However, all I see is just meek smiles or sour faces with eyes glued on the computer screen. Seriously, we're doing more work on computers than handwriting these days. It's no wonder most of us have a tendency to wear glasses. I find it rather hard to communicate with them actually, maybe that is because I'm in a group where they just don't speak much? I'm not sure. I hope to widen the scope even further, I'm planning a trip to Sydney and going for gliding next semester, which I really hope will materialize, since two of my friends will be in their final year next year. It's shocking to realize how fast time flies.

I wanted to tell you all that I'm starting to enjoy my life here, regardless of the pay-per-byte internet, the bizzare idea that cricket and aussie football is the craze here, and the horrible drunk locals who just don't know when to stop drinking. I thought I found my solace here months ago.

I was wrong.

Most of you knew what has happened. I shall not touch upon that subject, until I'm ready to.

I'm not going to lie that it has left a huge void in my life, and all the goodwill the city showered upon me just disintergrated. But, I was able to talk to Grace the other day and tell her: "I'm over you." All the pain that I had 3 years ago just dissipated. I'm relieved by it. I had finally let go of my past.

I've come to terms that somehow, God (even though I'm not a very religious person) has other plans for me rather than allowing me to shower my attention on another soul. It's been a topsy turvy year where I see drastic changes among my friends, one who was attached broke up, and patched up again; one moved house and now I get to spend time somewhere in the city while waiting for the next class; another who was just simply the last person you think would end up with someone, got attached and is having a real good time with someone he told me took a year to chase. I deleted someone out of my life, my oldest friend whom I cannot stand anymore. Not to mention the groups of new people I meet almost every month, I feel that my life has finally rooted itself here in Adelaide. I only pray that it gets better.

I myself, am still in square one.

I enjoyed the times we had. Meeting you has been the best thing I had all this year. I never regretted doing all those things for you, I wish it was a little better in terms of appreciation.

It's funny when I thought I've done alot, but eventually it meant nothing to someone. You'll feel gutted and wondered why was it that happened, till the extent, you forgot even my birthday. Speaks volumes on how much I meant to you.

But it's time to move on.

I'm not sure I can go back to where we were. At least I know I can't. I miss you, I still think about you, but it's getting lesser and lesser everyday. The whiff of your scent, the sweet smile on your face, the melodious voice, the warmth you generate, will always be in my mind, just like the memories with Grace.

Only that with Grace, it was a relief that it finally ended.

Waves of regrets I have now for us.

God, I pray to you to give me strength to face life with a smile.

I finally understood why Aussies love to say "No Worries"

Worrying is something I do all the time, and I can't help it.

No worries everyone. Good luck in exams! ^_^

Lastly, I want to share a song that I quite dig these days. It's called "Officially Missing You" by Tamia, rendition by Jayesslee. For those who read from Facebook, my URL is http://yuiyouunderinfluence.blogspot.com and the song can be found under my links.

姐姐今天给我发了《69乐章》的专辑了。虽然是网站下载的，可是恨不得自己出点钱来支持陶师父。

听了《暗恋》自己觉得怎么这么巧，他竟然写了一首涌上自己的心头的歌。

果然是师父，了解了像我这样的人。

没想到，他又有另外一首扣人心弦的歌，叫做《你的歌》

写得很明显，是写给一个人的，很简单，很直接，也很温馨。

陶喆 - 你的歌

喜欢你冷淡的安静

笑容又胜过了太阳 我只能投降

怀疑自己的冲动

怕机会一瞬间错过 决定不再想

你说我们是两个世界的人但 是否可能

我相信只要我爱你

什么都可以 一切都可以

我爱你 爱你没道理

没道理爱你 爱你就可以

就是痴心的 痴心的沉溺

沉溺在爱你 就让我沉溺

无法理解你不说话

我进不到你心里面 像有一道墙

怀疑当初的冲动

是不是开始就是错 许多事没想

你说我们是两个世界的人已 没有可能

我以为只要我爱你

什么都可以 一切都可以

我爱你 爱你没道理

没道理爱你 爱你就可以

就是痴心的 痴心的沉溺

沉溺在爱你 就让我沉溺

或许不爱你 也不需要你

我无法继续 继续骗我自己

必须要放弃 要放弃了你

你在我心底 希望他比我 爱你 爱你

还是你的歌 still your song

有时候真的，自己就是一线之差，却踏不过去，停了下来，被逼回头。

甚至就算回头了，什么也没有了。

才知道，有时候留得青山在不怕没柴烧的意思。

也许不能在一起，做个朋友陪在身边也没那么糟糕。

现在陪不了了，不说话了，不见面了。才知道那些短短的时刻有多么的可贵。

能不能回到过去呢？

我现在想，却不觉得这样可不可能了。

有时候，拥有的一秒钟，也许够了吧。

倒比什么没有好。

好久不见了~

To those reading under the RSS Feed to Facebook, the blog is here at http//:yuiyouunderinfluence.blogspot.com

今天，偶然遇到了一首很特别的歌， 想跟大家分享。

这首歌是自己一直很崇拜的音乐人物，自己自认的是师父的陶喆陶师父的作品，叫做《暗恋》。

希望大家喜欢吧！！ ^_^

听了就会明白。

歌词如下：

Still lonely still loney

　　昨晚又再见到你 你还是那么美丽

　　我紧张到话都不会说 就傻傻看着你

　　渴望永远这距离 就是和你在一起

　　醒来发现这一切都只是我的梦境

　　告诉自己要冷静 却又无法不想你

　　我的懦弱已经开始让我讨厌我自己

　　是你对我有戒心 还是我没有自信

　　可是谁也不能阻止我 我要暗恋你

　　So lonely

　　So here I am standing all alone

　　在某个街头 有个我在这里只为你等候

　　Here I am waiting just for you

　　开放我所有 希望你能了解你能够接受

　　So lonely

　　今晚渴望再见你 虽然只是在梦想

　　短暂的甜蜜也胜过了一辈子没有你

　　就算没快乐结局 就算从此死了心

　　我要付出我所有诚意 只要能感动你

　　我愿意

　　So lonely so here I am standing all alone

　　在某个街头 有个我在这里只为你等候

　　Here I am waiting just for you

　　开放我所有 我要为你怎么做你才接受我（才接受我）

　　我喜欢你（我喜欢你）我要你（我要你）

　　我爱你

　　So here I am standing all alone（standing all alone）

　　在某个街头 有个我在这里只为你等候

　　So here I am waiting just for you

　　开放我所有 希望你能了解你能够接受

　　I‘m lonely

　　故事就说到这里 就算你们再好奇

　　我想说的都已说完了 其余是秘密

　　在那某一个街头 会流传某个旋律

　　那是我在轻轻唱着歌 我多爱你 着你

在这里想要谢谢Ah Kwah给我分享的一首很让人震撼的歌。

自己听了之后，身体不断的发抖。

突然呼吸困难了，眼眶含着泪，却哭不出来。

泪水，已经在很久很久以前为了一个不值得的人流过了，

却不能为一个自己认为是值得期待的一个人掉一滴。

这首歌，是我的心声，希望你听得到。

Food for Thought

I sincerely apologize about the absence as well as the change in layout that caused several of the things I'm supposed to have to be gone from this blog. I'm still working on things based on the feedback from people, but somehow things recently have caused too much trauma for me to do so, maybe just today, I don't know. I'll rectify things as soon as I can.

No, I'm not dead.

It's just that even in the holidays, I find it hard to even do anything for the past three weeks. I had great hopes for it. But somehow nothing is working, and things just seem gloomier as it goes on.

Somehow it's like its a repeat of three years ago. When I made a fool out of myself over someone who isn't worth it. I argued and tried to see the good in her, wishing that she might even change for the better, willing to even accept whatever defects she had, and loved them all the same. How silly it was, because she was inconsistent, and would never have matched my expectations, she wasn't what I wanted, and I realized it last year and stopped caring after that. I promised myself I would wait and wait for someone worth my time.

I find it very amusing that people sometimes take me word for word, and that my words are more of a fact than a statement. But there are times that I would tell a white lie, and say it just for the fun of it. Sometimes I say it as a test of character, sometimes I say it because the timing isn't right at all.

I told myself I had to be patient if I had to go through this again, but saying it is hardly easier than done. While looking at the rows of online people on the right hand screen of my Messenger, I noticed that the people who I can actually seek solace from are hardly there. Maybe Bryan's right, I do lack people of that standard, maybe I am that unpopular, and my friends are hardly there for me, even I'm always behind them. But even if I do so, I mustn't automatically expect them to return my favour. Sometimes people just take you for granted. Just like this person did, probably.

It's not the 1st time I've been through this, but every time when a person does this to me, it's like taking a part of me away from me, and I feel less and less of a person I am previously. I became more and more skeptical towards people, always suspecting their motives and question their intent. Then the next person after this bears the brunt of my past, and it goes on and on, until I wonder how much more humane I would have left at the end of it. How much can I take? How long will that take to reach there?

Two weeks ago I was sitting in her apartment, returning from a trip to Woolies, and being served with wine-soaked glutinous rice balls, and some leftovers from her fridge. She kept apologizing for being such a bad host, but everything tasted wonderful all the same. We sat and played and talked all evening together and everything seemed wonderful and well. I was looking at someone I might consider, seriously.

A week later we were talking about Hahnndorf and it's delicacy and we somehow agreed that we might go to the Harvest Festival of Barossa Valley next year. I made plans and even made notes about what I should do or plan to keep things together in preperation for next semester, probably a step forward.

This week I hear chilliness of words, denials for affection, and sometimes silence.

All of this, in a matter of weeks. And I haven't even confessed.

Doesn't that sound familiar?

I do not blame her or anyone. I just noticed that this is always the case with me, from good friends to very close friends and then just when you thought that you might just step it up and make something out of it, it just snaps and you end up with nothing.

I find that today I lack the strength to even say anything. I was considering inviting her to Minarto or Murray River with the gang and somehow try to include her with a lot of things, but I just stopped from asking when she was busy with her enrolment. The idea of her being anxious to focus on studies just send cold ripples over my over-enthusiastic nature and I subdued myself into silence. I just don't know what to do anymore.

She probably has a different idea on how friends work and I probably misinterpreted her ways in a way I shouldn't have. Nothing I do pleases her anymore, I just felt the lack of encouragement rather sapping and my morale just went downhill. Now, even at the sight of having a chance, I just felt like backing off.

I know very well from the start, that I could and would sacrifice everything, and even once mentioned putting down her just to get through this semester. God sure knows how to work in mysterious ways, and I felt that I somehow exchanged something worth as much at the other for something that is equally important. I cannot complain, for if I didn't do well, she wouldn't even be considered. I know that now I can consider, but will she consider me?

I don't know you ever read this. But I just felt like saying, you are the light that shines through the gloom that casts over me. And having you further away is like taking away the very warmth that I only have at this cold and dry place. I miss everything we once had and I wish things weren't considered in such a complex manner. I always felt like I'm the only person who is trying to work things out, but I really wonder how much emphasis do you put on us as well? Do you even care or appreciate the things I once did? Or was it just a matter of convenience? I need to know, for I know that not knowing is just going to prolong my pain. Probably I should've said it when I had the chance. But I felt the fear of losing you too much to bear that I would rather wait and keep you as a friend than to have you avoid me. I care too much and think too much now to do anything, and I just hope that you could just let me know where and what we should do now, or I should just walk away and leave a part of me behind.

I know I won't be any kinder than I once was now. I hope you could prove me wrong.

M.U.I:Me Under Influence

Friends.

I was never a person who believes in divinity. I believed that Man is his own Master and that religion is the most powerful psychological weapon the world has ever had. It binds people from all races and places into a single banner. A banner of God, and what I may say is sacrilegious, nonetheless, that is how I feel.

Today I felt the need for divinity to be with me, to give me strength to overcome things that have and will come my way. I wish it was true, and I noticed the need to have a greater power over me.

I felt the need too, to have someone beside me, to be with me even the last second I exist. Because normally, I feel lonely in this world that I exist in. I noticed the need to have company, the need to coexist.

The need, to have friends.

I felt thankful today that one of my oldest friends came back to me at the moment that I needed someone the most today, and gave me the courage to stand against the tide. I felt that my walls are about to crumble under the anguish and sorrow of not being able to change what is there, and he saved me from it. For that, I thank you.

I do not feel comfortable about telling this, but I have been debating online for the past 3 months with another person who deemed himself worthy to discuss the nation’s policies. He fashioned himself a blog and made several comments which were in a way, twisted in my point of view about the country as a whole. He glorified the oppressors, and sneered at the fighters. He brushed aside dissenters, and welcomed supporters. All was well, until I came.

I came and gave him a piece of my mind (hint noted for the title of his blog, for I do not wish to be linked to his from mine). I fashioned an anonymous name and fought in the dark. I exulted in the battles we fought in which I have successfully defended my case against his and made him somehow curious who this person was. Even to the extent of branding those who support the opposition are only able to defame, intimidate and affirm the writer of his writings. I myself apprehended a few of them for calling him what I myself hated the most, a pendatang (which means an immigrant). Those who were on my side hit back at me, calling me names, I was hurt. But I refused to back down. And took the middle road and focused on debating solid facts with the writer. I was happy when he started to respond in a kinder manner, and was willing to listen to my feedbacks. Until today.

He came in a whirl and slammed me for disagreeing with every single thing he wrote. I cannot blame him, as we have a contrasting view on how the nation should be run. And he went on to attack the very fundamentals of my points, that race-based politics should be abolished in order to truly realize 1Malaysia. He argued that it is unlikely to do so and it is very relevant and I should just accept it. He went on to accuse me of spinning the facts which I have shown him and he has branded me an Opposition supporter, which I am as they champion my ideals, but I may choose again as they do not. I was hurt when he tried to brand me as the very fanatical members he had labeled who had hurt me as well. I felt that I was attacked not because my points were poor, but I was not agreeing to him.

For that I do not know what more I could do save ignore him, but I replied to him and you may read them, if he dares to publish it. He has deleted some of it before, and I have made the cbox beside it my outlet. I fear he may remove that as well.

But somehow I didn’t know about that until my friend told me about it as I was discussing about the blog I read. And I never felt tired than before.

I’m so tired of politics that I wish it didn’t exist. I wish I could just run away and let my country rot and fall into ruin. I wish I was really an immigrant who could just walk away and laugh at it when it falls. But I couldn’t. We are sons and daughters of the land as well, what makes them have more rights than us over it? Shouldn’t everyone be entitled to equal rights? Isn’t that form of oppression they conceived a form of Apartheid as well?

Then again I question myself. I remember Lelouch vi Brittania of Code Geass, which surprisingly as an anime gave me an inquisition over my views. His father Charles is a leader of a nation that is based upon the Social Darwinism. To kill or be killed, to compete, to survive and only the survival of the fittest shall be fit to rule. Lelouch questions the tradition in which his sister Nunnally is one of those who won’t survive the onslaught should it happen to her, and that why aren’t the weak be sheltered as well? But, the Holy Brittanian Empire was successful due to this concept, and those who were ruthless and strong ruled well. While its competitors, like the E.U. were weak as they exercised democracy and the people only obey the popular view. This makes me wonder that is the country headed the right way? That the survival of the fittest is the way to rule? It certainly is in the animal kingdom. Should we adhere ourselves to compete and overwhelm each other, regardless of the strong and the weak so that we are able to succeed?

Then again, Lelouch fought against such ideals and sacrificed himself in order to create a world in which his sister would be able to survive in. Along the way he betrayed everyone, even his sister at the end in order to focus all hate towards him and with his death, all hatred would vanish and the world could rebuild itself. I wish it was that easy in life.

Same as something happened to me several weeks ago over a friend of mine. I made a simple remark in which happened to involve his girlfriend and the remark somehow annoyed him. Immediately as a response he harassed me in one of the applications as well as called me a person that no one likes to talk to, that I have no friends. All because of a girl, he was willing to forego a friendship over hard times.

Then again I question myself, do I really have that few friends? How many of them are actually my friends rather than ‘friends’? This happened to me months ago when another girl out of a sudden called me an insignificant friend. I started to ask myself whether I have problems in which people are not willing to really befriend me? Do I seem problematic as Bryan claims me to be? Does anyone secretly hate me and want nothing more than destroy me if offered the chance to do so?

If having friends is that hard of a thing, then what about love? I have just recently found out that one of my friends actually liked me two years ago and I didn’t notice that from her. But nothing’s going to happen since she has since moved on and attached herself. I never said I didn’t considered her, but at the period of time I was badly hurt by another person I thought had great potential and looked like a missing part of me. I felt sorry now that the girl who liked me had to listen to hours of me telling how hurt I was by another girl while she harboured feelings for me. Doesn’t that feel familiar on my side? I didn’t like it, how would she? I felt that I have done more wrongs than right, and if that is so, can I be truly considered right?

Unlike what my other friends who claim that I was a self-righteous person. I often question myself over the things I’ve done. I was inspired by Barack Obama whom against all odds became what may be the most inspiring person I have ever seen in real life, as we speak. He had shown me that change is possible within every one of us and it is our choice to decide whether we wanted the change, or not. I was inspired by his speeches, the way he approached conflicting issues between the Middle East and the West, birth control and abortion, peace and war. He showed me that if there is a will, there is a way. But I am far from him, as he is a Law Graduate from Harvard University, while I am struggling over a repeat semester at a programme which has not confirmed my place at the university yet. He is the POTUS (President of the United States) while I am a 21 year old who has nothing but trouble all over his hands and yet seeks out more trouble by stirring the hornet’s nest full of BN supporters.

My friend told me that what I wrote was equivalent to his lecturers in university, and we have an Obama within each of us, that we can make a difference, and change the world, no matter who we are. I thank him for this. For without those words, tonight would’ve been a long night for me. I pray hard that tomorrow a better day arrives in which the world slowly but surely moves in a path where our efforts do not go in vain.

I pray that I will be there to see it.

I wish those who said those words to me could’ve taken it back. I value my friends so much that I try not to have so many so that I can take care of each and every one of them. I weep for those who have left me, for I have not without effort tried to keep them with me.

I pray that the writer would see fault in his words and debate in a civil way rather than the manner he does today. I know I cannot please everyone in this world, but I try to please most of us.

I pray that God, take what may be taken from me, and grant me a future. I am an ambitious man, and I want to leave a name in the annals of history before the end. If not, I have failed my life.

I thank you again, Windmaster Hiroaki for you support. You have been my stauch defender, my critic and my companion for 14 years. I wish there is more for us.