My 1st Gundam!!

I bought my 1st Gundam Model!!

It's the GN-001 Gundam Exia from the MS Gundam 00 Series....better known as the Seven-Sword Gundam...yes, he does have seven swords at his disposal, mind you, it's not a catchphrase...

GN-001
Right now i still can't remove the package box...in awe of my decision...and fear of screwing up on something that is not cheap...

Girls probably would go -_________- and say that i'm childish and splurged on toys and should grow up(or spend on them instead :p)

I was actually induced into buying this after one of my good friends Mike, bought the Gundam Dynames which is another MS Gundam from the same series, and after listening to his explaination, i thought it would be interesting to try this out myself...

Exia in Avalanche-mode(Extra equipment)
People like my mom would go berserk knowing i spent money to purchase something that is inedible and not constructive to my studies...in fact i still feel stunned by my balls to get this even though i knew it would cost abit (having got a big angpow from another friend's parents sure helps in making this decision much easier) However, i chose to see this as a work of art...

Since many would not know(i mean those who are clueless about anything concerning Gundam) that why this is something that i would bother buying since all it does is pose and well, pose. But to me, i see this as something that uses alot of concentration and focus to build, and to form it piece by piece perfectly is something all Gundam enthusiasts(not me, yet) dream of...Mike says a perfect one would need to be glued painstakingly and painted with care, and treated like a work of art...

Personally i feel the same way as well, but it was for model planes...

I wanted to get model planes for myself since last year, starting with an A-10 Warthog, but apparently everywhere i went, i just couldn't find it, and all i could get my hands on were the Spitfire, or P-51 Mustangs, very old WW2 era warplanes,(though Discovery claimed the Mustang as the greatest fighter plane that ever existed)...i felt more and more frustrated by the lack of model shops...not to mention having nobody to teach me about this...therefore my enthusiasm was buried, until now...

Why not go for it since i have a pro Gundam builder teaching me that i have wanted to learn?

My only wish is that it would turn out as good as it looks on the front cover...

I'm still sitting here looking at it...

still looking....

..

I really am so petrified of it...what if i screw up? I can't afford another!!

Oh well just keep looking at it....until Mike comes over to help me...

This may be the beginning of it , or the end of my model building hobby adventure...

Stay Tuned....

Is there such a thing as a sensible woman?

Argh…screw it. Can’t sleep, might as well write something to ease myself. I have a lot of things on my mind now…and all I can do is just convey it in a matter of words and let u visualize my point of view.

Today I received an email notifying a blog update from one of my friends. Unlike most people, I treat every blog with interest and I wouldn’t mind reading out people’s thoughts, I believe in understanding and sharing thoughts rather than keep a sickening happy-go-lucky attitude and tell everyone everything’s fine. Perhaps there is good in being that, but I cannot make myself do so.

Before I read his blog, I noticed several tones in his Messenger account. He wrote stuff like “looks like it wasn’t meant to be…” that made me think about a lot of stuff. I even recall the look on his girlfriend’s face when we met him on the street. She looked restless. I knew something was wrong. But with the row we had two weeks before, I rather abstain myself from being a nosy parker.

After reading what he had to say, I took a deep breath and just sighed out loud.

My suspicions were confirmed. He did break up with her.

From what I read, it sounded painful enough. While telling my other friend about what I read, I made myself nudge him and ask him what was going on. He sounded alright at first, and then he burst and started to sound emotional with all sorts of rants. Apparently he was being cheated all the while when he was away studying. He only found out when he did something I believe any couple will cry out loud and say it is indecent. But reading her text messages made him found out about it. I couldn’t say I agreed with the method, and I can only see that it was for the greater good. I rather not elaborate on how they settled it. But looking at the eyes of someone u love and not see the flame in response, and that reminds me perfectly of what I had two years ago.

Those stunning eyes.

Nothing.

Not even a sparkle. Someone might as well stabbed me or shot my head at that moment. I can never forget those eyes. Those are her best features, and her most cruel ones.

No matter how hard you try, as long as the flame’s gone, there’s nothing you can do to reignite it.

An unanswered love is like banging yourself to a wall.

You’ll get hurt. Yet the walls feel nothing.

I couldn’t do much in comforting him. I never knew what to say, and I know saying anything wouldn’t help at all. In fact, I didn’t try to even comfort him. Nobody comforted me two years ago. I simply made myself drown in misery for every single day of that year, every single day was a torture session, and I had once said, I felt like Jesus being tied on the stake, and lashed with whips while carrying a crucifix towards the execution grounds.

Every single day.

Nobody knew.

What good would it be even if everybody knew?

Misery wouldn’t have gone through the walls.

I began to understand how cruel the world was.

I began to embrace the fact that all of us are selfish.

I felt weak, unable to even handle my own fate.

I felt helpless.

I felt the pangs of mortality.

For once, I was not afraid of dying.

In fact, it felt good to just end my life there, at that moment, just to ease the pain.

How pathetic is that?

She would be proud, to see how much power she holds over my life.

Yet, still she chooses to hang her own life on the line.

As much as I like to repeat, why the hell women are stupid and blind?

There are those who just plainly pick men just because they hit the right notes, being sweet and suave by sweeping you off your feet, and yet they are reputed as a playboy. Why wouldn’t you think twice before even going near a bastard like that?

There are those who just swoon over looks of a playboy. For instance, Edison Chen. Serves him right for being exposed. I saw right through him even as he started his career in the entertainment industry. He was a brat with free-balling with all those stupid women. Oh wait, is there such a thing as a sensible woman? Might as well put that in the same category with “cats growing horns,” or “cows could fly.” Yet even my sister admitted him being handsome. OMFG…I wish I could strangle my sis through the messenger. Too bad u can only nudge them…u can practically see my crumpled face when I heard those words.

There are those who just act saintly and giggle or scream when they are exposed to so-called “indecent” stuff. Heck, even my sister’s friends think kissing is sex. I don’t know what is wrong with women nowadays. Is it because of the liberty they enjoy nowadays, and yet we fail to check the boundless fantasies that they were brought up with? Or is it just the fault of commercialisation where people just cash in on women’s fantasies?

If you want to diss me off in this post, prove to me that u are a sensible, down-to-earth female before even start to even think of debating this with me. That includes no PMS situations where you just launch your whole hormone level at me. If you want to earn my respect, prove it. If not, I will not take away the view of women being hopelessly naïve and useless. "So what?" answers would not make this look any better.

PS: I still maintain my stand that I support gender equality. This post was not done based on chauvinism. I'm trying to prove my point. I would be happy for brainless women if all i wanted was chauvinism. I cannot stand the sight of women being cheated anymore.

Cupid and his Appaling Marksmanship

Today’s Valentine’s Day.

So, what is that going to do with me?

Unlike other blogs that introduce rose petals or pinkish themes just to celebrate this day. I’ve done nothing to make mine as cheerful as theirs, how pathetic. Today is but another normal day to me, and those who are not attached to anyone. Nonetheless, every year, I felt the same pressure laid upon me by the society. Being single is unbearable every year on this day. I believe many of us feel the same as well.

Some of us will be in the arms of loved ones.

Some of us will be preparing to be swept off their feet, or to sweep someone else’s feet.

Some of us will be stuck with appointments, engagements with unknown people, giving ourselves a chance.

Some of us will be bored by the time appetizers came, and start to think of lies to avoid further misery with the wrong date.

Some of us will be at home, looking at the wall and typing all sorts of crap nobody would even get a glimpse of.

Which one are you?

Nonetheless, those who are not able to celebrate it start to find excuses to why we are not having any special engagements on this very special occasion. Ways vary, but the concept is the same, to avoid being told of being single and in the eyes of those attached, sad.

You would basically hear of stuff like:

“Valentine’s Day is about spreading love. That doesn’t mean it’s only a lover’s type of love, but also friendship, family, even pets!!” And they go on outings with fellow singles or send gifts to their pets and convince everyone that this is also a way to celebrate this occasion.

“Bah humbug! Valentine’s Day are for P***ies. Who needs it? Commitments are f***ing horrifying.” Then you will see them with their eyes of daggers whenever a lovey-dovey couple walks pasts them. Bless you for locking your chainsaw in your garage. This would not be another Texas Chainsaw Massacre after all.

“Men are useless, with their mindless games, and swollen ego. All they want is to get laid. Women rule!!” For these women you will see them going on sisterly expeditions and see them enjoying and having a good time today. Next thing you know, they would bawl all over you and whine why they are feeling left out, and telling you how scared they are on being a spinster for the rest of their life, then barf all over the place. Sigh.

“Today’s Valentine’s Day? I didn’t know that.”Then he walks off unperturbed. But you recall on his desk there was a huge circle several weeks ago on his calendar which marked: “Ask (Name of Crush) out.” You recall the beetroot face you saw several days ago and a notable distance of a colleague from him. And you wonder why the wall in the toilet had some cracks…

Let’s face it. We know why this occasion was meant for. Even if it wasn’t the true meaning, the tide of popular beliefs can’t be turned aside so easily. We all know this is an occasion for couples.
Who would not be jealous of couples walking past being all intimate and loving? Who wouldn’t wish they had the same experience as well?

Who wouldn’t want someone who they have liked in their minds to pop up and say things they wanted to hear? Who doesn’t want to receive love, rather than giving so much, and receive nothing in return?

How many of us would’ve rather died young in the arms of your loved ones, rather than dying alone in a house without even known to people for days? We all want to be loved, rather than love.

There is no replacement for it. So stop lying to yourself. It is a totally different matter from a family’s love to a friend’s love to a lover’s love. They all have one similarity, which is affection towards someone. Anything other than that is what separates us from friends, family and lovers. Imagine jumbling them up together. You would mix up your friends to your lover, family to friends, etc. etc. Not a very good idea. There is possibility of family being friends, and vice-versa. But family as lovers? You do the math. A dot product with a cross product. Not viable.

As usual, I am not celebrating Valentine’s Day, being single, as expected. Therefore, I resort to occupying myself with hours of DotA, and doing this blog. I wish I could celebrate this, but with the right person. Anything other than that would not make me cheerful at all.

Anyhow, I wish all my friends, taken, a fruitful day; single, it’s ok. There are plenty of us to keep company. Waiting for the right one is far better than being desperate.

I’m sorry for posting another depressing post. This should be a happy occasion. But, my mind is always towards matters around that never seem to get right. Being helpless is what saddens me. Having someone does help ease the pain. I would give a lot to have that. I really do.

Enfeebled...

I hate myself for not being able to compose a single word, even as there are tons of things in my head that I would like to share, I simply just can’t put them on a piece of paper(or a blog) and describe it like I used to do.

I lacked the spark.

I lost my inspiration.

Does that mean I’m finally done with the whole ordeal? Think so, hope so? Probably not.
If I am, why would I keep asking the same questions about her? And expect the idiotic answers that I wish for?

Sometimes I don’t understand myself. It’s not like I have an empty life and I’m only centred on one person. I have had girls all over the place being nice towards me, cheerleaders, foreigners, even classmates who I have never spoke with just started chatting with me because we were on the same bus? Every single one of them would’ve been a replacement or a distraction from that, and yet, look where I am still stuck in, the “empty window” period.

Not just that, there’s even someone who I usually flirt whenever I see them on Messenger and somehow I can sense the constructive response I get back that this might work out. Sometimes I accidentally blurt her name out without thinking and I would wonder why I would think of her more often than the other one. Is this something I should take note of?

To blame that girls are bad, I must agree that boys are as bad as well. Sometimes you can’t blame the girl for being all nice and sweet that it balms over the past, and yet end up with nothing as the boy himself doesn’t know what he wants. So rather than moving on and finding another, you see him sitting there and maintaining the deadlock until he sees the end of it, one way or the other.

Honestly, I wish that I can have the best of both worlds, the looks of one, and the personality of another. One warms me up with her bubbly character, and she is instantly lovable by everyone; the other one is a head-turner but with such a bad reputation and is somehow despised of, even by her own best friend. With my recent conversation with her, I felt even more worried with the places she has been to, and the company she has, that she is more likely to get into trouble with her lifestyle. To add more insult, our views diverge even more so, and we sort of talk like from different planets, it felt suffocating and very unnerving. But it’s her view, and I respect that, but I cannot agree to it.

It is obvious that my thoughts are not bound by her anymore. But that is not something to be happy of. Whatever I have set my aims for were plainly because of her. Whatever I did was done with consideration towards her. I still care for her very much, and worry about her more than any other person, and yet all I can do is just sit and watch.

I even gave myself worst-case scenarios and how I would react to it:

1. What if she’s no longer what she said she would, remaining chaste before marriage?

2. What if she was duped into any circumstances, and lost her chastity?

3. What if she was hurt badly and got maimed until she was horrible?

4. What if all she could do was to enter the world’s oldest industry in order to survive?

5. What if whatever I did would not suffice in turning the tides, and yet lost everything in the end?

Any one of these issues are potentially crippling to any person who cares for another person. And it is not nice to think about these matters (I’m touching wood profusely as we speak)… I rather if that nothing happened and everything would come into place. But as in any games or stories will tell you that nothing is perfect, and all plans are pretty before the arrow. Once it is released, anything can happen to influence it. Nothing I can do can stop it.

Before u start lambasting me about the past is in the past and I should be grateful for what I have now… I would ask you the same question as well, how would u react in worst-case scenarios in your own world? Especially it includes the person you care most about? Do not think that this is something to be thought of when it happens, it is always better to give yourself some mental preparation and the trauma wouldn’t be overwhelming when it happened. It’s not that optimism is wrong, but having such thinking does help. I never expected it when it happened, and I had a bad time dealing with it. It helped me after I made myself have this mindset. I didn’t feel happy, nor did I feel overwhelmingly upset about it.

I gave myself these answers:

1. Since I cannot take her word for word, all I can think of is that she has thought of it seriously and she didn’t regret about it at all.

2. It is not her fault that this has happened, nor should it affect her as that is not her worth. She is worth far more than a layer of hymen that labels her as valuable as an apprentice geisha offering her mizuage.

3. If that is nature’s doing, we can only work to face it. That is why usually beauty within is worth far more than external beauty. There’s always the option for plastic surgery though.

4. Replied as in no. 2, though I must admit that I would not want someone who is not wholehearted and only accepted due to the fact that nobody wants her. A lot of women just settle for the easy catch, and end up regretting, causing divorces later on in life. This just isn’t practical, and I hate to have someone who still has another person on their mind, either have it all or nothing at all.

5. I can only change what I can change. The rest is up to the elements and how we work to adjust it.

Look, with just one matter, I wrote a bunch of crap that Weiqi would scold me for being so long-winded. As I said, my inspiration is her. I do not believe I could write that much on another topic without this person. Which, in turn is pathetic. Yet, it is the truth.

P.S.: This is just a warm up. Will have something to say after this. Tired of writing. Need rest.

27 Things That Girls Never Found Out

This was something I came across when I saw Ai Xin’s bulletin, and I couldn’t resist making a post about it.
27 Things That Girls Never Found Out. I would like to explain why.

1. Guys hate sluts even though they had sex with them!(Oh yeah…you're not "popular" if you've slept with more than 6 guys…you're a whore)

I have friends who can’t take it if their girl isn’t a virgin, but for me, I only dislike girls who do not love themselves and would do anything to seek attention, it doesn’t really matter what was in the past, what is more important is the present, if there is.

2. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.

I agree, I would do this and yet I would keep an eye on that person and see if she goes jealous. It’s a double edged-sword, u get to build confidence, and find out your target cares about u as well.

3. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.

Correction: I would go crazy over someone who I care for when she smiles at me. Sometimes all it need is for her to smile that would be enough.

4. Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him

I use to do this when I was young, and I usually end up humiliating myself. But after that, I would just ignore this and just get on with my life, and usually wait for opportunities to introduce myself instead. Man I hate doing stupid stuff to attract people’s attention…it makes me blush whenever I remember what I did before…urgh.

5. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest.

‘Nough said. Who would like to listen to that?

6. Boyfriends need to be reassured often that they're still loved.

Agree. Making him feel secure should be your top priority. If he doesn’t feel so it would be better to do something to regain that confidence in you, smile at him, look at him, and pay attention to him, compliment him, or the best way is kiss him, that would make him feel all the better and I can tell you this works magic.

7. Don't talk about your guy friends to your boyfriend.

Hmm…it’s a lesser mistake compared to no.5, but it is also not nice, unless u want him to be pissed and the next time u see that guy he will have a black eye bcoz u told him u were upset with him. Not a smart idea.

8. Guys get jealous easily.

True. There is no such thing as a guy who isn’t jealous, not even the most understanding or the most secure guy would tell u that he is not jealous when his girl is with another guy. Even if he does, he would just take it in and pray that nothing happens. Not that u couldn’t be with other guys, just follow rule no. 6.

9. Guys are more emotional than they'd like people to think.

Masculinity has been etched in male blood ever since humans existed. It is the basic instinct to bear any burden and show a tough core so that their partners can feel secure, at the expense of their own discomfort. (No thanks to the recent movie 300, who I believe every guy aims to be a Spartan right now) A good spouse would share it with you, but do not force them to tell if they do not want to, and do not blame them for their wrongdoings, but help them see the light at the end of the road instead. If you cannot help, just tell them you will support them in whatever their decisions may be.

10. Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!...uh...never mind..." would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsessed about it trying to figure it out.

I really hate this, hanging messages are very misleading. But it is understandable. Sometimes u may forget about what u wanted to say, but then you will make someone very concerned and think and think and think until he might get some random assumptions and conclude without even asking you whether that is what you want. Simply because if we ask to confirm, we are not mindful, if we do not do anything, we will be branded as ignorant, it is really tough to be a guy.

11. Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like.

Agree this to the core. I can truthfully admit that I can never speak properly to someone I like. In turn whoever I talk with ease can rest assured that I have no other agenda with you, I might even see you as a fellow male counterpart. So if you see me talking weirdly to someone, you can get a good guess, but be sensible, I will not have anything to some old lady, or a guy. I am not gay, nor am I a freak.


12. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.

Hmm…dunno, I would tease anyone, this one isn’t a good diagnose. No. 11 would be a better gauge.

13. Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships.

I don’t have to comment. It is true.

14. Guys think WAY too much. One small thing a girl does, even if she doesn't notice it can make the guy think about it for hours, trying to figure out what it meant.

Same like No. 10, it really bugs guys, but it is kinda unavoidable. Never assume whatever you do or say would be overlooked by someone who cares, they will remember whatever you say better than your PDA planner. I know, because that is what I am.

15. Guys seek for advice from girls not other guys. Because most guys think alike, so if one guy's confused, then we're all confused.

Well, all I can say is that guys are totally pathetic when it comes to asking for advice. I usually go screaming at my girl-friends and ask them why the heck girls are stupid, and I would get a far better answer than that. The best way is to consult her best friend, obviously, and u might get a good answer.

16. When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me."

This one is true, to a certain extent. I have said this before to her and told her to go away, even shocking her when we bumped in Jusco, she tried to strike a conversation with me only to see me walk off in disgust as the freak is right behind her. Rather than telling her to go away, I would just walk off or look in another direction instead. How many times would I have wished she would come after me instead.

17. If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn't happen that often, so when it does, you knowsomething's up.

Hmm…not really. I usually talk seriously. So I cannot vouch for that. Hehe.

18. If your best guy friend seems to avoid you or is never around when you're with your boyfriend, he'sprobably jealous and likes you.

I admit being so green-eyed that I could burst into The Hulk and throw him off the fourth floor of the school building, but I can honestly say that I have many instances of girls I have liked before going out with other guys, and I do not feel that bad or even that jealous before. I think it usually applies to the kind of guy she is going out with. I avoided her because I had to show my objection, and I would not agree to her choice. It is a simple way to demonstrate my dissent, as any protest to political movements would be as well. You cannot just go on riot and rebel as you like, what I did was really sensible, but it did nothing to change matters.

19. When a guy tells you that you are beautiful, don't say you aren't. It makes them want to stop telling youbecause they don't want you to disagree with them.

I have been trained to praise girls ever since I worked as a sales promoter three years ago. I could overlook my conscience and praise like the mirror in Snow White. But I would never praise anyone beautiful unless I mean it.

20. When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking something.

Yeah, the image of you beside him instead. I have been caught doing that to her, and I got the complaint of “raping” her with my eyes. Eventually, I had to force myself not to look at her in the eyes or anywhere else she was. She made me do it, and it is a very cruel thing she did to me, that she never found out.

21. Guys don't like girls who punch harder than they do.

=.= I don’t really care. Punch all u want.

22. A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.

Read No. 9

23. Don't be a snob. Guys can be intimidated and give up easily.

Hmm…I hate naïve bitchy people like Xiaxue and Mayzhee, who talk loads of crappy stuff that makes them sound like bimbos that just evolved from the primate world. It is not an excuse for not having general knowledge, it is plainly because u lack the sense to take notice of things around you, and rather focus on stuff that quite frankly, doesn’t mean anything to anybody. Who would care if your laptop is Pink when everything is from the stone age? I rather pay for something that would last a few years and is value for money. Who cares if your room must be completely pink? If u insist, should we paint the floor pink wherever you go? Or even paint anything pink as long as your eyes fall upon it, my god, Nippon will be so happy with you guys…and I can imagine the Spartans wearing pink…urgh. I rather if she has abit of imagination, but has more sense that nothing can be perfect, and make do and take things as they go.

24. Guys talk about girls more than girls talk about guys.

Yes. It’s true.

25. Guys hate rejection, but they hate being led on even more.--If you are going to reject a guy, just do it. Don't say they are like a brother or just good friends, it just hurts even more. Tell them that you aren't interested in a relationship and they will respect you.

I should write a lot about this. I do not hate rejection. I fear rejection. But I rather go for it than sit there and let everything slip away. Being rejected is nothing, it would hurt you for some time, but nothing hurts more when all your concern is taken for granted. Now, like what I said before, being second best is no consolation to any guy who cares about you, and u might as well stab him firmly and kill him rather than telling him to be your friend (See my point Weiqi?) I have kept her email when all she said was she was not interested in any relationships, and I respected her and let her go, and poof, what happened just weeks later? What pains me the most is being lied to. Never, ever, never ever lie when you know you can’t keep the promise at all. I never agreed to what you chose, and look what I brought you. You shouldn’t have said that, and I shouldn’t have left. I take your words very seriously, and I paid the price for being so f***ing obedient.

26. Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing butsomehow are drawn even more to them.

Let’s face it, I have not seen a sensible female. Never. I cannot understand their ideas and concepts that are totally tactless and irrational. I can live with a little madness, but I cannot tolerate if she wants her pathway to be painted pink. I will buy her a pair of sunglasses with pink tinted lenses instead. Sigh. Men are from Mars, and women are really from Venus (the extreme heat must’ve burned their senses away)

27. When a guy sacrifices his sleep and health just to be with you, he really likes you and wants to be with you as much as possible.

After Form 6, I needed a month to recover from a sudden fatigue and illness from being concerned with her. Not to mention I lost 21kg just because of that traumatic ordeal. I went from a Size 38 to a 33, and I had to pull my belt tightly to prevent my pants from falling off, and I had these hip-hop pants that were actually fitting in my previous years…I even jumped up in the early hours just because she called and told me she was harassed by some sicko on the phone. I even called that guy back to find out who that idiot was. I would sometimes worry until 3 in the morning and end up sleepy the following and lose concentration in class. I lost my appetite, and worked like mad just to keep myself sane and avoid thinking about her. What makes you think I would care about you less than him? Nobody knew. And 5 years of concern all washed away. As if that is something your 50bucks can pay me back. You can never pay me back, not with money.

AnNoYeD

This has been the worst day since my entrance into Uni, not just because I made myself sore by overexertion from badminton yesterday, I had to rush for another dinner appointment when my dear friend called me an hour before that, talk about running, I had to dash back to get everything done and then rush out again, and probably ended up an hour late, but thank god the people understood forgave me for that…and ended up late at night playing Bridge, new card game which I find quite interesting. But the moment I woke up today, I knew today is going to be a bad day.
Anyway, to cheer me up, I went over my music directory and ransacked a few songs and had them on just to make me ignore my overwhelming sores. There was one particularly interesting song that I had it on for like an hour non-stop, and even looked for its lyrics just to completely understand the whole thing. It was David Tao’s Zhi Dao Zhi Yan De Bei Ju or How Long, lyrics as follows:

陶喆-自导自演的悲剧

就像早就知道

一个故事所有情节

却是四处问一别人
熟悉感觉

我们心已了解
这出戏不该再见

却没有拒绝
我看着你对着空气作表情

没有对手的戏场又一场
你只好一个人对镜头笑

如果我真心爱你该有快乐结局
怪我不懂珍惜

把你推向他

我来不及改变结局

这是我自导自演的悲剧

自导自演的悲剧

那是什么动力

为何还要由而不屈

事情变得两害使人重复过去

毕竟有种美丽

爱越苦就越刺激

最后想像了意义

我看着你对着空气作表情

对手的戏场又一场

你只好一个人对镜头笑

如果我真心爱你该有快乐结局

怪我不懂珍惜

把你推向他

我来不及改变结局

这是我自导自演的悲剧

如果我真心爱你能否改变结局

还是不懂珍惜又搁在以前

我来不及改变结局这是

自导自演的悲剧

是你是我

只能怪自己

I have highlighted the several sentences that really bugged me (as they perfectly reflect what I had in the past) and I still cannot believe it has been two years after that, and I can still remember everything as fresh as it was yesterday. I really do hate myself for all of the problems I have bought upon myself, and I will, never, ever forgive myself for being stuck in this rut. Not even having her, nor any magnitude of destroying him would suffice. I am truly, my own director my worst enemy.
Something came across my mind that I think I should address, as even my own parents have serious doubts towards their own son, not to mention the amount of suspicions and discussions that have been around me for a long, long time. Therefore, I wish to declare myself:
I am NOT gay.
I have no interest in the same sex.
I am perfectly heterosexual with healthy appetites towards women, though I rarely show and have a small amount of girl-friends only.
I’m not surprised being branded a homosexual. In fact just recently, one of the questions the girls forwarded to me was this: “Are u gay?” Which made me speechless, after the shock I firmly replied: “No, I’m not.”
It has never been a question to me, unlike my siblings, towards the question of sexuality. I knew early on I would not like to be the one to be screwed, and nor would I be attracted to a gender that has the exact same organs that I have.
But, arguments would defer towards my characteristics and usually mistake them as me being a gay person.
1. I have unnaturally thin radius and ulna…which means my wrist are as thin as, if not thinner than a girls’. I have been asked by my Taekwondo instructor how on Earth a guy like me would have such weak wrists, and suggested I would be more of a gentle arts’ person, rather than ripping up people’s head and kicking some crotches in Taekwondo. Here’s a photo of it:

WTH??!! are those girl's hands?

that is my hand, please believe it

Thousand-armed GuanYin's hand signs..omg

this is what usually happens unconciously...super gay

2. I have an unnaturally high pitched voice. Yes, everyone who knew me would notice that my voice is surprisingly gay, despite my size. Due to this, I have been mistaken as a girl in phone calls countless times that sometimes, I would play on and act like one, but that was for fun. With my voice, I also made it into the Tenor group in choir, which is a higher vocal range for men, instead of the normal Base or Baritone. Usually that group consists of very ladylike males and self professed homosexuals, I get along with them well but I was never someone who would scream at the top of my lungs(except for the part I had to do in the International Choral Festival) and bitch around like a girl. I would, usually sit down and learn my songs and discuss with my friends while keeping an eye on her as she fools around. I enjoyed my time in choir, as it gave me a chance to voice out, and enjoy being in control of melody. I am proud of my voice, instead of those tone deaf nitwits who croak feebly and believe they can sing, oh, how I wish I could strangle those guys!!!

International Choral Festival (a place with hot Estonian Babes)

State-Level Competition
3. My interests are surprisingly gay. Yes, I read books, I cook and I like to shop around with my mom. Explaining the third one 1st, as it sounds so wrong…I would usually go out with my mom, and end up picking shoes or dresses for her. I would not just sit down like those ahpeks or lengchais, who look bored and annoyed while their wives of girlfriends wander around their fairyland. Instead, I would select a few pairs of shoes I would think that were suitable for my mom, and she would take my advice and buy them, not because I force her to, but they were really good ones that would fit her properly, u can ask her to confirm that, and u can’t blame me for having good tastes. (I admit I do blast my mom when she tries to overdo herself, and sometimes imagine what I think would be suitable for “her”). I have annoyed a lot of guys by being a history freak, and present ideas that to most of the guys sound gay, and therefore I am usually thought of as a homosexual, to their shock when I showed my true colours in form 6, by being connected to someone who doesn’t have a dick.

Oh i can cook, can you??
Well, seems firm enough that I might be gay, but honestly I am not. Being branded as a gay sometimes seems complimentary, but usually it spells disaster as your potential targets usually think of u as a fellow female and that would be an end to any chance of getting someone. Not to mention freak guys out or even make conservative people hate and despise you for something that u are not.
I am not gay, nor would I ever have any inclination towards that side as well. I really wish this would just go aside and leave me alone, because it is really irritating and annoying to be accused of being something that is so not true, and the only way to prove it will be to humiliate myself and get slapped for trying to prove myself…sigh…tell me, what do I need to do to prove that I am not gay?
PS: I do like girls, and I am only interested in girls, just because I do not feel excited when I see a boob or ass doesn’t mean I like them not…it may be because I do not find them as interesting as some hot-blooded idiots find them…maybe it take someone special to do that, maybe not..but I really hate to repeat this post in the near future…beware u potential questioners, I will OWN u before u can even say the word, “Dumbledore!”(bcoz he is gay)

.........

They say games won’t hurt you, but then again, it depends on how much emotions you’ve invested on it.
Similarly, it’s like a relationship. The more u put in, the tougher it is when something happens to it.
I spent a month on an online game called Travian introduced by my friends, and I started out rather slowly, building bit by bit, spending hours on it and even skipping the rules when I used admin computers to surf it. That was how dedicated I was to making it a success. I’ve had really tough patches, as there were raids and assaults all the time, sometimes stalling any constructions I had in mind. Eventually I was invited into an alliance, and things started to go well, I had great relationships with my neighbouring villages, and even having some helping me when times were tough, I felt right not raiding them at the 1st place, and now they’re helping me back…
But then, everything didn’t last for long, due to one careless mistake, I poked the eye of a sleeping dragon, and all hell broke loose.
As I scouted villages around me, one of them was this big one and he was offended by the scouting and started tearing me apart. My allies, thankfully, responded with such vigour that I felt touched that they were actually willing to help, even they were situated far off from me. Together, we blunted several assaults from him, and eventually more and more people got involved and now it has become a full-scale battle between two alliances. My allies never stopped helping, and they never stopped attacking. It soon looked as a losing cause as nothing seemed to be in my favour, allies too far off, enemies too near.
Eventually I even sued for peace with the offender and he got arrogant and ignored the plea even after he himself said he wanted to talk to me. I wasn’t surprised about his sudden turn as it is normal for any victorious army to push forward on the crest of victory. I was speechless. I felt a sudden dizziness and shivered non-stop. It seemed like what happened to Dad years ago…it felt like blacking out.
After discussion with my allies, they agreed me to quit as the best option rather than feed them. With a heavy heart, I pressed the quit button.
With less than 72 hours to go, I’m counting down to another failure. Not any less bitter than my 1st failure.
I really hate walking away. I hate giving up halfway through anything else. I hate it even more when I gave up because I failed.
I hate failing.
Which means that I am Kiasu.
Kiasu means scared of losing. I admit I hate losing.
I hate it even more when I lose to jackasses and people of less deserved.
I wish to thank all those who helped me all this while and hope that they would succeed in their future undertakings. I am touched with the help given, even though I may not be there long enough to savour it anymore.
Now how much more would I screw up?
It’s been all the way downhill ever since Form 6. Had my luck finally ran out?
Nothing has been right. I really feel bad with everything now.
I wish she would pay attention to whatever I wrote. It would tell her how much she had affected my life, and contradict a statement she wrote on her MSN, “Guys’ ruined girls’ live, don’t you think so?”
I would pay a lot to have my life back. Starting from the moment I gave up piano.
Just like Jay’s old tune I’m listening to now, Hui Dao Guo Qu (Going back into the Past), I really want to turn it all back.
But light has no opposite vector. Enough said.