Enough

January 10th 2009.

This marks the 1st time entry of a new chapter.

I wish to make this a permanent reminder, therefore I will make this clear to myself:

1. I will not look into the past, instead look towards the future and how it is going to shape things around us. Nothing in this world is stagnant for too long.

2. I will understand the limits of my powers and realize that with my current influence nothing seismic can shift the balance, until i develop the wings to do so, I will bear the brunt. I can complain, but I cannot change it, yet.

3. I will swallow all the guilt and see to it that this is the best it goes. I have flunked 3 years of my life, it should stop now. Not for the sake of not helping others fail utterly, but not giving myself more frustrations in the future.

4. I will stand my stead and hold on towards the bitter end. Drudgery is what makes miracles come true. Without the sheer force of willpower, nothing would've been done. I must hold on and make it through.

5. I have to take charge of my life. Bragging rights have to be earned. Right now I have nothing, I should start earning my spurs now.

6. Destruction of others is futile, gives no advantage, no leverage. Living better than others is the best way you can repay their spite.

7.Stop talking and do more. It takes action to make things come true.

8. Stop thinking and do more. Thinking helps judgement, too much thinking wastes time.

I guess that's all I can remember now.

I will remove every piece of scrap of her from my memory, leaving nothing. Finito.

I only require a small request from all my friends who read this: Remind me time to time. I may forget, and I hope I will move on from this point. 6 years ago I made a turnpoint in my life, I can do it again.

Life is too precious to be wasted so. But I have better things to look after.

W-H-O-R-E

The one thing I hate most about myself, besides my fugly face and seemingly un-vanish-able spare tyres around my waist, is my ability to predict accurately about things that I don’t want to.

I think most of my friends can relate to me saying some things that somehow turn out to be exactly the case. Yiyang even once tried to cash in on my premonitions by asking me what I would think about the soccer teams he should bet on for that week. Unfortunately I couldn’t predict them, and he eventually gave up on it. But still, about the bad stuff, I could just always manage to get them, each and every time.

In this case, I once loudly predicted about her and that piece of junk being a short-term affair that wouldn’t last a single moment longer than a year. In that case it didn’t, and well it wasn’t a happy thing. But it still happened, but it wasn’t to any of my advantage, as I was doing what everybody was doing, not giving a shit about what she’s going through, as she is only desperate for attention, the whore.

You see, I knew this was coming, but I never thought she would just lose it that easily. I guess my words did made an impact on her, I wanted the adverse effect of telling her off to get laid (PS: I was the anon in the post, I admit it.)and in this case, she got herself laid anyway with someone she didn’t want at all.

With all the things she’s done, I had expected that she would’ve given it all out already. I was somehow wrong at first and I wished I was. I was told, that she would never give herself up to anyone but her spouse, well that was her pathetic and naïve thinking then. It did make an impression on me that she was determined and principled, and that she was not as sleazy as what people say about her. I was wrong, totally wrong. I wished and wished that I she would at least keep her promise and at least give me a small reason to cheer about her. Oh well, she’s done a Britney.

I guess conceiving wouldn’t be far away. I should get prepared about wedding cards showing up my doors as well as seeing baby pictures soon.

Like I said, it’s nothing surprising to see a whore finally acting like a whore.
I wanted to feel the tinge of sadness or melancholy about the past, but none came. Instead little streaks of anguish and disappointment came at what I thought was a lament of a lost soul. I badly wanted someone to talk to right now and at least tell me what I’ve done wrong to save someone from falling down the pit? I don’t want her, I just want to let myself be at peace and at least do not let me see her fall from grace. But now it’s too late, can you blame me mom, for trying to help my sister? I don’t wish to see her treading the same road as her. I want to at least,
make a difference to those around me.

I guess I wasn’t as open as I thought I was.

I have tears welling up my eyes. But no tears will come out from this cold heart of mine. I knew this was coming. The manner and timing was what surprised me.
I don’t want to listen to “it’s not worth it” comments. I have better time to do than get myself even more upset with words like that. She could’ve been worth it, she wasted herself away.

I am a failure, yet again. At this moment, lonliness sweeps in. Where are you, friend?

=.=

Something is wrong with blogspot right now.

I just couldn't make the post right!! All those bold things down there is freaking me out!

I just can't stand an imperfect post!

Anyway I'm going to sleep and coming back 2ml to fix it. *Fingers crossed*

Came across an interesting question, is this blog boring? You want more pictures? Any brand new ideas? I need some feedback. Thanks ^_^

Tagged!

1. How old are you?


The ripe old age of 21, and like everyone knows I love to say this: “Can go to jail adi!!”

2. Are you single?

Yes and sadly so, why do I seem that pitiful? I love being single! Unlike my dear Terence who is attached, and not like Jeremy who has to webcam with his girl every night to Penang. However beneath all the freedom you’ll feel somehow empty, especially when you have couples making out all around you and you have nothing but your naughty mind and hands to satisfy your carnal pleasures…*hint hint* It would be nice if someone can help you with that for a change.

3. In what age do you think you’ll get married?

Well technically not anytime soon, so be at rest you anxious peeps as if I would hold a sudden wedding like Vivian and that HK-playboy (whom I’ve heard is a total jackass, but wahay, since when have we seen a good girl not fall for a piece of wreck? I seriously believe I should be a wreck so that I can get a hot one too.). Though if I’ve found what I want I can get married right away. But then there’s always going to be something that’s better ahead of you, so it’s best to sit around and have a look. Not in a rush now.

4. Do you think you’ll be marrying the person you are with now?

*Looks around me* Is there any? However that doesn’t mean there isn’t anyone that’s suitable, I know one or two who certainly look like good-wife material. But unfortunately they’re either attached or not interested in relationships right now, as well as being frequently at loggerheads with the opposite sex isn’t going to impress them any more than going up to them and saying: “How you’re doing?”

5. If not, who do you want to marry?

Under the state of unconsciousness, which means that I will not be responsible for anything I’ve said, it would probably still be someone like Alexis Bledel, or that cute blogger somebody likes to say I like. Hint hint hint*, or just anyone that makes me a better person than I was. (Maybe a hybrid of Masami Nagasawa or Maki Hirokita would also be a great option) This is too complicated, so I’ll just marry someone that seems right for me. It’s all about instinct. You would be surprised with my choice when that time comes.

Alexis Bledel, in case those of you who do not remember her from my epic SS post.

Obvious, need me to say more?

Obvious as well, Maki Horikita

6. Do you want a garden/beach wedding, or the traditional wedding?

No preference at the moment. But I do imagine myself riding a horse to a huge cathedral like those I’ve seen in Prague or St. Petersburg in ceremonial suit of armor and blade with hymns all around me. Sounds pompous, I know. But it’s not practical, anything but the Chinese one where you would go with a procession band and carry the wife back and drink tea. That is going to be both time-consuming and cruel to my knees. But then again that’s the one that gets the most goodies, so we’ll have to balance that out.

7. Your ideal motif?

White. All the normal colours you'd want in a wedding. Nothing stupid like a pink suit or a red tux. Nothing gaudy, unless it's a suit of armor, which I will then shamlessly clad on with all the honour and making all the other grooms follow suit. Bet they'll thank me for it. Then again a Japanese wedding is cool as well, I've seen a few of them and I like how it feels. Tearing up a kimono later that night would be something fun as well. *Giggles*

8. Where do you plan to go on a honeymoon?

Europe. Depends on the time we have. No stupid-follow-the-tour-activities where there’s going to be uncle and aunties about and children that scream and shout. That is not a good way to kick start a wedding. Anything from Italy to Greece, or even Turkey, with plenty of seaside around the Mediterranean and history to soak in, and probably some romance. *grins* (Not anywhere on the railway track though, not like what Timothy once said…)

9. How many guests do you think you’ll invite?

You don’t have to guess. Almost everyone, well but not everyone. Not him, not her, and well all the arseholes in Form 6 nor those nosy aunties or anyone from my father’s side (they’ll just come with a miniscule amount of angpow, horde the food and run-off anyway) That would probably be about 60-80? I don’t know what my spouse would be bringing.

10. Do you want an extravagant wedding or a simple wedding?

No preference. Extravagant when it’s necessary. Unless well like I’m on the run or our family objects to the union then a simple one in Las Vegas isn’t that bad. I think the wedding in Pirates of the Carribean 3: At World’s End between Will Turner and Elizabeth Swan was romantic as well.

11. Do you want the traditional vows or something you’d make up on your own??

If you’ve watched American Wedding, you’ll understand the meaning about vows. I wouldn’t mind doing it due to my language superiority. *ngek ngek ngek*

12. How many layers of cake do you want to have?

I don’t care. A cake is a cake. Nothing cheap, must be good to eat, that’s all I’m asking.

13. Do you prefer having your reception at a hotel or at a simple place?

I don’t know. This is not something I’ve considered. I would really like it to be somewhere else outside of a hotel. Hotels have these gaudy ballrooms that just ruins the atmosphere and those event management teams just don’t cut it, for now. Practicality vs. Fantasy, this is something to consider later.

14. When do you want to get married, evening or morning?

The morning, as that nice cathedral would look grand under the morning sun. But then I will have problems waking up, but then I won’t been able to sleep that night. Sigh.

15. You’d rather have your reception outdoors or indoors?

Either. A good scenery would best be suited for outdoors, while convenience would demand indoor settings. Logically an indoor.

16. Do you like a grand entrance for your groom/bride?

A suit of armor, hymns, escort of knights…if that’s not grand then I’ll do a charge at the door. But then that would be disrespectful to the cathedral…

17. Name the song/tune you’d like played at your wedding??

At the moment I would really like Cloud Smiles played in FF7: AC as that song. And also the scores in Proposal Daisakusen. Those songs mean a lot to me. I think they would sound magnificent if played properly.

18. Are you a morning person or a night person?

Morning, I love the scent of a morning breeze. But I just can’t seem to wake up and smell the coffee (Dido’s Album name XD).

19. Do you want a solemn ceremony or a light one?

Solemn would be nice. But I guess it would eventually turn lighter since I wouldn’t be that hard on my spouse, I always soften up at anyone I liked. I wish I had one to soften up now.

20. What age do you want to get married?

No time limit set. Nothing after 60 though. Won’t have much action by then.

21. Describe your ideal husband/wife.

Alexis Bledel, Masami Nagasawa, Maki Hirokita, etc. ROFL I can’t think of anyone right now. Know me long enough and you'’l notice the type of girls I like, it never fails.

22. Do you prefer fine dining or just the normal spoon & fork/knife?

Depends on the culinary range, I think the whole set would be required, (looking at question 34).

23. Champagne or red wine?

I’m allergic to wine, and alcohol. But then Champagne would seem proper, don’t you think so?

24. Honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?

Since it’s going to be in a grand cathedral in Europe, isn’t that right away?

25. Money or household item?

Money money money money, MONEY! (The Apprentice’s opening song) I don’t mind, really. It’s the thought that counts.

26. Who will pay for the bills?

I would. Therefore I must be filthy rich by then!

27. Are you ready for married life?

I think I am. I just haven’t met anyone suitable. But then I love to be alone. Go figure.

28. Do u think you will still be a virgin until u get married?

I hope not. I’d rather be a little more capable on the first night than some stupid story I heard about a guy who didn’t know anything about sex and had to ask his mother to come in and teach to help him finish up. Now that’s f**ked up.

29. Will u always be true to your wife/husband?

I will only marry someone I really like and that I’m sure that I won’t have a change of heart. So I guess there’s no room for error.

30. How many kids do u like?

Depends. I love kids. Nothing less than 2, nothing more than 4.

31. A new house for a newly wed or an old one?

I’d love a castle as my house. But I’ll be worried about the pipings and the clean up required. So a new house it is, I’d leave most of the stuff to her. But I want some word on some parts in my home, like the study room or the kitchen (I’d love to cook).

32. Will u celebrate silver wedding, gold wedding, or diamond wedding?

That’s too far ahead, isn’t it?

33. What kind of cuisine would u like for ur wedding?

Fusion. I hated the Chinese appetizers. Gourmet meals matched with Chinese elements to satisfy the platter of those who aren’t accustomed to it. Then again, a thought for later times.

34. Will u record ur honeymoon in a cd or dvd?

Depending on the latest technology. Blu Ray might be redundant by that time comes.

35. Whose wedding plans would you like to know next??? choose 5 people

BaiHe
YaMan
Jeremy “Bra Bra” Choo!
Terence “Pundex” Yeo!
Pinkpau(!)*evil laugh*

(Not going to tag those who tagged me (Eimun and Weiqi) since there's no point in making them repeat it.)

Anyone else that I didn't tag can go ahead and do it though ^_^

PS: This is done with a wobbly head and lack of common sense. No responsibility will be upheld due to this.

Short Update (wtf)

Short Update: (Which would then become longer and longer until it becomes boring wtf)

Finished my supplementary exams! Was sooooo happy that I spent my whole night dotA-ing to my heart's content, Shiva with Luna rules! PA with 2 Battle Furies and Helm of the Dominator is perfect! I even killed Venomancer while he was invisible and my splash damage made it die...it made me laugh so hard and I've kept a replay of it.

Maybe I should ask my sis on how to make those clips like Pizzaslice111...

Instead of packing up, I'll be going out and shopping for some stuff. I need to get things like Cherries for mom and Smoked Almonds and Arnott's Sesame Biscuits back for Michele.

One week left!

It's been more than a year since I've left home. And even though I miss Ipoh, I've come to get used to this place. It's not that bad, just a tad tooo boring. Nightclubs are racist, Chinese restaurants are not up to standard, and it's rare to find a gorgeous female in the University, let alone the whole city. Sigh.

I bet my relatives would be so dissapointed that I won't be bringing any nice Caucasian girl back to boost our gene pool. I bet they would be horrified if I brought one back from China, but hey, strengthening our own gene pool isn't that bad right? But again the idea of having cute-mixed kids with blue eyes seem tempting. But then I need to make myself eligible...which is, NOT!

Seriously not having much to look forward to going back. I know I need to go and visit everyone, call up a few friends and well just try to see everyone before I go back. Two months isn't long, but I'll try to make the most out of it.

I'll pray hard not to see her anywhere, because I really won't know what to do if I'd see her walking around with her new 'slave' Andrew.

Then again, it got me thinking about a question she always said: " Why can't we just stay friends? You don't have to ignore me and treat me like garbage whenever I'm attached. It hurts me."

The truth is, given the choice of not liking you previously, you would never have qualified as a friend to me. You attitude,personality, priorities and mindset are totally not in sync with mine. Besides, your friends don't mean anything to you. All you want is just attention and be idolized for your egoistic and naive nature. You don't care about your friends, and if you weren't boycotted and dumped, you'd never change and believe in "karma", and you'll be as bad as before. When it happened, you only want to change so that you won't be hit by punishment or karma. Does that make a difference?

No

So does that answer your question? I think my friends know how I treat them, I don't use them, that's for sure. I do whatever it takes to help them, and I always stand by them when they need support. We'd never always agree, but at least I don't care if they'd help me, I just enjoy their company. Look at yours, who are just obsessed with what guys you date, how many have you been confessed to, what guys did things for you, and those who are so keen on nailing you. We'd never match, unless I turn dandy and womanize, which is when hell freezes over; or when you change, which is when heaven burns in flames.

Just give it up.

Why?

I came across this in a pro-government blog I usually visit.

Bila sebut sahaja satu aliran Bahasa dalam sekolah untuk memartabatkan bahawa rasmi negara ini, suara yang mendesak Mukhriz di ambil tindakan undang-undang kerana menghasut timbul. DAP – parti pejuang cauvinis Cina dengan slogan Malaysia Malaysian dan Bangsa Malaysia kononnya mendesak agar Mukhriz diambil tindakan atas Akta Hasutan. Kenapa melenting? Bila menceritakan mengenai perlucutan Hak Keistimewaan Melayu – untuk keadilan dan kesamarataan – hebat – kononnya mahukan bangsa Malaysia. Kenapa tidak dimartabatkan satu bahasa – Bahasa Melayu sebagai bahasa yang boleh digunakan untuk semua Bangsa Malaysia. Kenapa perjuangan bahasa mereka mahu jadi rasis dan bila Melayu mahu berusaha memartabatkan bangsa Melayu – dikatakan perjuangan rasis.

Apa kah bentuk asimilasi dan integrasi yang dimahukan untuk perjuangan bangsa Malaysia, yang sibuk dilaungkan oleh mereka. Sebenarnya Melayu tidak perlu malah kena bertindak agresif menentang parti DAP – Parti cauvinis Cina yang mempunyai agenda nakal semata-mata untuk menghentam keharmonian perpaduan antara kaum dengan menimbulkan tuntutan Cina. Mereka sentiasa menghentam organisasi Melayu – khususnya politik Melayu dalam mana mengaku bahawa mereka tidak rasis.

Parti ini sebenarnya telah dan akan banyak membawa kebinasaan dalam perhubungan kaum dengan persoalan isu-isu sensitif agama dan bangsa. Kenapa ini dibiarkan oleh orang Melayu. Apakah perjuangan mereka tidak menunjukkan perjuangan bangsa dengan usaha untuk mengikis ketuanan dan hak orang Melayu. Tapi kita masih mengamalkan toleransi yang tinggi, takut Cina tidak undi BN. Namun hakikatnya – DAP telah membakar isu-isu perkauman untuk mereka menjadi juara kepada kaum Cina sementara kerajaan membiarkan atas alasan mahu menjaga sensitiviti Cina sedang DAP tidak tahu apa makna sensitiviti terhadap Melayu.

Hari ini DAP – dengan suara lantang menghentam hak Melayu di dokong oleh Melayu dalam PAS dan PKR. Adakah tidak nampak – DAP bukan mahu memperjuangkan semua bangsa – tetapi hanya mahu kemenangan pada bangsa mereka sendiri. Melayu harus mula meragui Dap dan harus mula berpaling pada mana-mana organisasi yang melekat dengan DAP kerana nyata Dap hadir untuk perjuangan kaum dan adalah parti yang amat rasis berbanding dengan yang lain.

The comments below were even worse:

Kalau aku jadi Menteri dasr Negara aku tukar serta merta, Pertama! Tiada tulisanCina dan Keling diTanah Melayu ini, HARAM TERUS! kecuali berkaitan dengan ISLAMsahaja, Kedua! Tiada lagi SRJKC dan SRJKT, Bahasa Cina hanya wujud di sekolahagama sahaja yang berkaitan dengan islam. Ketiga! orang cina dan keling hanyalayak mengundi sahaja tidak sebagai pemimpin politik. Tiada hak milik kekaldiatas tanah yang diduduki. Kalau tak sanggup boleh belah, negara kau!!!!!!!berambus!!!!!!.

Aku memang benci betul paria dan cina babi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! rasa naktabur je dengan peluru penabur, biar mampusssssss!!!!!!!!!!!. Tension betul leaku, macamana nak buat ni supaya aku tenang! buat macam orang serbia sembelihorang bosnia ! amacam?

Dalam memori aku tiada istilah dulu Tanah Melayu sekarang Malaysia. Pada akuTanah Melayu adalah Tanah Melayu dulu kini dan selamanya, tiada istilahMalaysia. Kalau aku jadi menteri aku tukar balik negara ini dengan nama NegeriMelayu. Itulah sebabnya cina dan hindu kurang ajar, sebab dia rasa bangsa diajuga berhak. Aku kesal sebab pemimpin dulu semasa nak menuntut kemerdekaankenapa nak jemput paria dan cina babi ini, biar kita lambat merdeka sikit takapa, contoh macam Brunei, sekarang kan senang, tak perlu diganggu oleh cina babidan hindu barua ni. Pada fikiran aku bangsa kita masih belum merdeka lagi selagiada paria dan cina babi ni.

Ingat! ini Tanah Melayu, adalah hak Melayu,Bangsa kamu ada negara sendiri, OrangMelayu, tidak ada negara lain, Bangsa kamu sekira berlaku kekacauan boleh cabutlari negara kamu, tapi ini Tanah Air kami, kami kena pertahan hingga ketitisandarah terakhir, Ingat lah! orang Melayu masih lagi bersabar, kalau syeihmakrifat kami memuncah, jangan salahkan kami, bangsa kamulah puncanya,dahsemakin mengancam ketenteraman tanah air kami, Bangsa kamu sudah melampau, Binakuil ikut suka hati, mohon sekolah cina dan hindu melampau, bina tokongbesar-besar, tulisan bangsa kamu semakin menjadi-jadi, kamu ingat ini negarakamu punya ka, tengok bangsa kamu yang menguasai perak, cepat-cepat tukar geranhak milik tanah kampung baru kepada hak milik kekal, apa maksudnya tu, kalau takada agenda nak menguasai tanah Melayu, ada Menteri Besar perak bodoh macamKaldai, aku tak sangka ada Menteri Besar Bodoh macam Keldai, ditunggang olehcina bab...

And when somebody tried to reason with them:

james - malays - left over society
2008-12-03 10:21:16
Damm, as I was commenting on the need of Islam to be progressive, on one of the article here, a new post was madeby the webmaster condemning DAP and the guest defending the Chinese. Iwas surprise that the web master did not understand regarding the need topreserve the Chinese language. It is sad that the web master himselfforget to brand this as a Malay chauvinist. This will not help. The needsfor the Malays to step out from the old culture, leaving the so called

KING of MALAYS
2008-12-03 11:24:29
james....fuckkkkkurMUM laaa

nhk
2008-12-03 11:59:17
orang pertama sokong kenyataan Mukriz adalah Prof. Khoo Kay Kim (orangcina)....kenapa?????

anak MELAYU
2008-12-03 21:38:14
hoi james, ko nak kene sunat ek? ko james bond ke james boh? mangkuk hayun cinani.....aku sula bontot ko nak?

melayu sekolah cina
2008-12-03 21:42:38
james....tiu lia ma chow hai laa. chisin....lia pa hang ka chan laa.... WHY WHY,TELL ME WHY.....TIU LIA MA KAU CHOW HAI.....

melayu sekolah cina
2008-12-03 21:43:49
james....WHY WHY TELL ME THAT, TIU LIA MA KOW CHI BEK.....

TAIKO MELAYU - to my dear james
2008-12-03 21:45:50
james, ini blog melayu taw ka? lu jangan berani kacau aaa.....lu mau kene potonglanchauu ka??????? cilaka luuu

ahmad albab
2008-12-03 21:48:08
james, lu taw apa itu 13mei ka? kalau jadi lagi cina susah cari makan taw....takpercaya? cuba laaaaa......lu belum jumpa melayu berani mati lagi taw....

I don't feel like going home.

After reading all these stuff I really don't feel like going home....

There's no unity, understanding and even a tad of sense in our society. We are all selfish, naive, and unwise. I'm not just talking about UMNO, but DAP and PR in general. DAP claims to support Malaysia for Malaysians, and yet we see calls for Sedition Act that was opposed fiercely by them on Mukhriz. Yet we see opposition in what in surface looked like binding Malaysians together. (Note: It is in accordance to the policy(literally), but as we all know, could be a reason to just make everyone zombies to UMNO.)

Nobody in our country is fit to rule. Each and every one of them has their own agenda. Who can I vote in the next general election?

I understand now the need for divinity, Men have yet to reach selflessness. We are all fools to our own fate.

The Pen is Mightier than the Sword, or is it?

I had to struggle to find words to express myself when I came across this article.

All the amusement and merriment I had accumulated the whole day, washed away by a short but heart-wrenching, upsetting and distasteful story.

By Ken Shiffman
CNN Senior Producer



(CNN) -- In 1993, Romeo Dallaire was full of hope for the future of Rwanda.

More than 800,000 people were killed in the Rwandan genocide in 1994.

The Canadian lieutenant general and son of a soldier was about to take up the biggest command of his career -- leading United Nations peacekeepers in the central African nation.

A year later he left Rwanda a broken man, having watched helplessly as more than 800,000 people perished in Rwanda's genocide despite his pleas for more troops to stop the massacre.
"We could have actually saved hundreds of thousands," Dallaire told CNN's Christiane Amanpour for "Scream Bloody Murder."

"Nobody was interested."

Dallaire's mission was to monitor a peace deal between two warring ethnic groups, the Hutus and the Tutsis. But the agreement was just a façade. Hutu extremists within the government were stockpiling weapons, and Tutsi refugees had formed a rebel army.

The Tutsis were a minority in Rwanda, and their plight was personal for Dallaire. His Dutch mother had watched friends die in the Holocaust, and he had been raised on stories of heroic Canadian soldiers who brought hope to war-torn Europe.

A French Canadian raised in Montreal, Dallaire had experienced discrimination first-hand and was determined to protect the Tutsi minority. But he soon found his was a lone voice.
On January 20, 1994, Dallaire made a chilling discovery: An informant warned him that Hutu government agents were planning bloodshed.

"They were going to conduct an outright slaughter and elimination of the opposition," Dallaire said.

Dallaire cabled his bosses in New York, warning that his informant "has been ordered to register all Tutsi in Kigali. He suspects it is for their extermination."

The informant described a major weapons cache, which Dallaire said he planned to raid in the next 36 hours.

Kofi Annan, then head of the U.N. Department of Peacekeeping Operations, was concerned about the safety of Dallaire's limited U.N. force. Annan's office told Dallaire: "We cannot agree to the operation contemplated ... as it clearly goes beyond the mandate."

Dallaire tried to change Annan's mind, repeatedly exchanging faxes with New York through the rest of January and into February.

"Ultimately I got authority. It took two months, and by then it was far too late," Dallaire said.
In an interview with CNN, Annan explained his reasoning:

"When you're operating in that sort of context with limited troops and facilities, you have to be careful what sort of risks they take, where everybody may even have to leave, and place a people at greater risk. And in a way, this is what happened," Annan said.

"Dallaire as a soldier, he's a very good man, he's a friend, and I respect his professional acumen. One had to take all these factors into consideration before you take a decision. Do the troops take this risk? Do they have the mandate? Do they have the resources?

"Dallaire himself said, 'If I had had a brigade, which is 5,000, I could have done a lot.' He had a fraction that number."

Asked why a brigade wasn't sent, Annan said: "The brigade was not available. The [Security] Council did not augment the troops. In fact, they went the other way.

"We would have liked to see a larger force in. I had had situations where I called 82 member states together, trying to get troops. I got zilch."

On April 6, 1994, a plane carrying the presidents of Rwanda and neighboring Burundi was shot down. It was the moment the Hutu plotters had been waiting for -- the spark that ignited the genocide.

Col. Theoneste Bagosora, a Hutu extremist, immediately declared the army was in charge. Within hours, government troops and civilian death squads began slaughtering Tutsis.
"We saw the extremists, the presidential guard and militias, going to specific houses ... and killing people or hauling people off," Dallaire said.

He described the horror of getting phone calls from people he knew while they were under attack.

"As they were busting down the door and opening fire," he said, "we would literally hear people dying at the end of the phone as they were trying to get through to us and we had literally nothing to send them."

Dallaire also heard the Hutu government-run radio tell listeners that Tutsis were "nothing but cockroaches," broadcasting names of people to be murdered and instructions on how to mutilate and kill them.

It was an echo of past genocides. In Cambodia, the Khmer Rouge called their victims "worms." To the Nazis, Jews were "vermin."

Dallaire says he and his troops moved through entire villages of dead, sometimes clearing paths through corpses with their bare hands.

"With my own hands I carried them," he said. "We carried them in our arms, we carried kids in our arms, and adults. We were picking the bodies and moving them aside. ...There would be piles of bodies."

Dallaire's troops were also targets: 10 were killed in the first days of the genocide. He was desperate for help, on the phone with New York several times a day, asking when reinforcements were coming.

Five days into the killing, some U.S. officials began to fear the worst. A top Pentagon official wrote about the potential for "hundreds of thousands of deaths." A day later, a State Department memo warned of "a bloodbath."

But instead of reinforcements, the United States joined a chorus of countries calling for withdrawal. Washington's taste for foreign intervention had soured.

Just months earlier in Somalia, two dozen Pakistani peacekeepers had been murdered. United States commandos on the hunt for the killers had their Black Hawk helicopter shot down.

Eighteen U.S. soldiers were killed.

Americans were anxious to extricate themselves from Africa -- just as they had been in Southeast Asia decades before.

"The U.S. troops had been killed and dragged through the streets and humiliated," Annan said. "The governments were not prepared to take another risk and go into Rwanda."
After two weeks of debate, Washington compromised and agreed to a token U.N. presence. The result: The U.N. Security Council voted to reduce Dallaire's already small force by 90 percent.
"In essence, they voted to allow the killers to continue," said Michael Barnett, a professor who was on a fellowship at the U.N. at the time and studied its response to the genocide.

"The moment that the U.N. votes to withdraw, that's when we see a real spike in the violence," Barnett said. "Because at that point it's clear to the Rwandans ... that there will not be any cavalry over the horizon."

In the fourth week of the killing, then U.N. Secretary General Boutros-Boutros Gali concluded that the mission was hopeless. He ordered a pullout of all U.N. troops. Dallaire refused.

"I refused a legal order," Dallaire said. "But it was immoral."

Dallaire and his few hundred peacekeepers could do little except help humanitarian efforts and protect a small number of people, while he repeatedly and futilely attempted to negotiate a cease-fire.

As the United States and the United Nations stood by, the rebel Tutsi army fought back against the Hutu government. In mid-July, 100 days of hell came to an end when Tutsi forces declared victory.

Weeks later, Dallaire asked to be relieved of his command. The horrors of the genocide had taken its toll. He was guilt-ridden, believing he should have done more to prevent the genocide.
In his book, "Shake Hands With The Devil: The Failure of Humanity in Rwanda," Dallaire wrote: "Death became a desired option. I hoped I would hit a mine or run into an ambush and just end it all. I think some part of me wanted to join the legions of the dead, whom I had failed."

Those thoughts of suicide followed him home to Canada.

In the preface of his book, Dallaire summed up his Rwanda experience, writing, "I know there is a God because in Rwanda I shook hands with the devil. I have seen him, I have smelled him and I have touched him. I know the devil exists, and therefore I know there is a God."

Today Dallaire is a senator in the Canadian parliament and dedicates much of his time to an initiative to eradicate the use of child soldiers.

To most of us in this world, we are blessed not to be born in a part of the world where guns and brawns would mean the power to dictate and decide the fate of those who live. We spend days trying to worry about what some whore/bitch would even consider one's affection, and yet somewhere far away, people are dying for no reason at all, or at the whim of people who just can't live with others and being selfish. We have officials who are bounded by the code of conduct and even with heavy hearts, they are limited by their tongues and are only able to negotiate while deep in their hearts, a bashing towards the Devil who is just sitting opposite them would've done more work than all the bickering for months.

Do you still believe in your views? Do you think that talking and talking would change everything? Every second you talk means another few of them gets shot down, raped, tortured, and even mulitilated by those who are supposed to talk to you at the opposite end of your diplomatic relations. What can we do to change, make a difference?

Setsuna asked Saji Crossroad a good question: "Is it enough for you to have your own peace? And that others do not matter?" When Saji questioned his reason to fight, and belittled his views.

Now is my turn to ask you, is it enough to have your own peace? That talking would end the pain, while those who are at the eye of the storm will just have to hold on and fend for themselves while you figure a way out? Have you even considered what situation they are in, and they need help now, and not later? Why are people so stupid? Why are politicians so naive? Why are you to thick-headed?

Shame on all of you.